Nine years ago, my husband left me for a skinny woman. Now, I don't think he would ever say that he left me because I was fat. I think his perception was that he was in love with this other woman and not in love with me. But, somewhere... no matter what anyone says... I know that fat weighed into it. (I said it that way on purpose.) It had to be, at least, one more thing that helped him make his decision.
You'd think that might have motivated me to lose some weight, right? Nah....
Instead, I did this weird psychological turn-around and actually started telling people that I thought I had made myself get fat in order to stay safe in my marriage because I was afraid that I would have an affair if men found me attractive.
It's funny how screwed up our minds can get. I wanted to be the "leaver" rather than the "leavee". So I was essentially going around mouthing off that I got fat because I was unhappy with Charlie and that, if I had been skinny, I would have left him. So marriage to him made me fat.
That is such bullshit. In hindsight, I can't believe I tried to blame my weight on another person.
I could try to blame it on my grandmother (who was fat), on my dad (who died), on my mom (who was an alcoholic), on Charlie (who left me), on Tyler (who I gave birth to), or on my friends (who like to socially eat like I do).
I probably have blamed it on all of them at one time or another.
I need to recognize that I am THE ONLY ONE in control of my weight. It's a series of tiny subconscious choices I make all throughout the day.
Not just one, but hundreds.
Should I put this in my mouth? Should I illegally park in the close handicapped parking spot? Should I walk up the stairs to the bathroom or just hold it? (Really, I do that.) Should I sit here and watch tv or should I do the dishes? Should I go out to eat? Should I drink wine? Should I drink water? Should I drive or walk? Should I get Nina to go get it for me or should I get it myself? Should I eat THE WHOLE THING?
I think one of the keys for me to change me is to be aware and emotionally present for all those little decisions that I so inadvertently make throughout the day. It doesn't mean I have to be perfect. Many times, I am going to choose to sit and watch the tv, drink a glass of wine instead of water, eat more than I should. But.... if I can just GET CONSCIOUS!
I need to stop living in Jennyland and move to the real world.