Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Feeling Like a Lithe Little Fairy Sprite
I'm still stuck on perspective.
I haven't known a whole lot of people bigger than me. Or maybe some people are bigger than me in real life, but not in my head. I always FEEL the biggest.
Except with my dear friend, Carol Jean. Carol Jean was larger than life in many ways. She was BIG. Maybe two of me. She was emotionally strong. She was bossy. She knew something about everything and had an opinion about it all. Carol Jean had the biggest laugh and the biggest personality of anyone I've ever known.
I loved it when Carol Jean would come visit me because I would get to BE SKINNY.
I would make my house as comfortable for her as possible - renting a queen sized bed and putting it in my family room so she wouldn't have to walk up and down the stairs, making sure I was well stocked on her favorite Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream. It was important for me to take good care of her because she was a "rock" in my life - someone who grounded and centered me. After my mom died and Charlie left, Carol Jean was one of my few rocks. (More about my rock and balloon theory tomorrow.)
When Charlie and I were married, we lived in a house with a hot tub on the deck off the master bedroom. I loved getting into the hot tub when Carol Jean visited. There was something about her being bigger than me that made me feel like I was built like a Barbie. In the evenings, I'd practically skip out to the hot tub, naked as a jaybird! I felt petite. I felt lithe. I felt athletic. I felt invincible. I felt sexy (remember, Charlie was there, too). When I think about it now, I'm just glad it was dark.
Carol Jean loved me even I compared myself to her in order to feel skinny. She loved me even when I danced around her naked. Carol Jean loved me when I really WAS slender and then, when I was fat. And I loved Carol Jean. Her body was the least important part of her that was big. The size of her heart, the magnitude of her presence, the intensity of her love, the loudness of her laugh are the big things about her that mattered.
I know that the people who love me "see" more than my big body - just like I saw more than Carol Jean's body. For that, I am grateful.