Monday, October 10, 2011

9 Lessons I Have Learned That I'm Going To Share With You So You Won't Make An Ass Out Of Yourself, Too

1. Don't bathe your skunked dog in Spicy Hot V8 Juice thinking its the same thing as tomato juice.

2. Don't bathe with your skunked dog in Spicy Hot V8 Juice. It burns your ya-ya.

3. Don't shave your ya-ya.

4. Don't repeatedly hold a back vibrator up to your nose EVEN THOUGH it feels really cool when it makes you sneeze. It will leave a bright red scab on the tip of your nose for which you will have no plausible explanation.

5. Don't check to see if your baby has stopped having diarrhea by sticking your hand in his diaper.

6. Don't put red lipstick on your lips before you go to bed because you've run out of vaseline. You will look like this---
---and have a very hard time getting it off.

7. Don't confuse nail glue with tooth whitener and smear the nail glue all over your front teeth and then stick your bra to them trying to wipe it off.

8. Don't buy aerosol spray that is supposed to help you stop snoring.

9. Don't spray hairspray down your throat thinking it is the aerosol spray that is supposed to help you stop snoring.

(And #9 was Barb, not me.)

Love,
Jenn

3 comments:

  1. I have to say, those were nine VERY ORIGINAL things not to do - and they really made me laugh! Only you, Jenn (Oh, and maybe Barb.)

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  2. I will remember #5. (this is your cousins Sara)

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  3. I know this is you, Jose. And you're the one I worry about sticking their hand in Eli's dirty diaper. Sara would know better!

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