I never knew how much enjoyment I got out of food until I ate consciously.
That statement sounds like I get more enjoyment out of food when I eat consciously - savoring every bite, taking my time, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's "diet talk".
I mean "consciously" defined as "not in oblivion". It's not near as much fun.
Last night at the birthday party, as I ate my little bowl of spaghetti sauce and salad, I just felt....... unhappy? bored? unsatisfied? not fulfilled?
Yes, not fulfilled.
I think it goes back to that wild abandon thing again. And I think that's the same as being in oblivion.
I realize that how I like to eat is with gusto, without thought, joyfully. (Isn't it funny that I'm somehow connecting "without thought" with "joyfully"?)
At the party, I had to be ON GUARD. ON GUARD is not really comfortable or relaxed. ON GUARD is tiring. ON GUARD is work!
I had to physically remove myself from the appetizers.
And.... here's something I've only admitted to one person today...... when I was cleaning off the table between the appetizers and the meal, there were about fifteen (sorry, Gay, I told you ten) chips that people had dropped on the table. I cleaned them up by EATING them. AND I DUNKED EACH ONE OF THEM IN FRENCH ONION DIP BEFORE PUTTING THEM IN MY MOUTH!
Then, while everyone filled TWO plates each (one with spaghetti, one with salad), I filled my little bowl.
Only another overeater would understand how that was work.
And then, I physically removed myself again from the table and sat alone in the living room, feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't getting to stuff my face.
Huh.. Sounds pretty sick when I type it.
Today, I went out to brunch with my friend, Gay. I ordered the egg breakfast (two over medium, four pieces of bacon, two pieces of toast, and TOMATO SLICES rather than hashbrowns). Because that was all that was in front of me (except for Gay's that I've been known to take) and I couldn't get anymore without getting up and ordering and paying for it, I was able to relax and enjoy eating. I didn't feel like I was working. I felt joyful oblivion.
So, what are the lessons for me here?
1. I don't do good with parties, pot lucks, or being able to serve myself. It's very hard and not fun. Not fun is not good. But I've got to learn how to do these activities because I'm a very social person and I'm going to be EVEN MORE CRABBY if I can't go to parties, pot lucks, and all the other fun P words.
2. I can relax and enjoy my food if I'm sure that all I'm going to get is what is in front of me. And it's too hard to get more. I need to remember Elissa's words, "YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON'T THROW A FIT!"
3. Yes, I am going to have to choose "eating as work" over joyfully stuffing my face if I want to change my life.
I can only stuff my face joyfully and with abandon if I set the stage appropriately - both with the kind of food and the amount of food. If I do it right, then... no worries!
So, yeah... it's going to take work. I think that's why I don't ever do it. I work at my job that I love, then I play. I'm not good at doing things I don't want to do or doing things that require work.
That's got to change.
I've got to focus on WHY I want this. WHY it's worth it.
That'll be my next conversation with myself.