Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I Really Should Be Skinny

If one is going to have to be fat, one should at least get to be a good cook. The two traits should go together like two peas in a pod.

People trust fat cooks. We assume their heads are filled with tasty recipes.
Tasty recipes that use butter and cheese and cream.......

Like my grandma. Most of my visual memories of her are in her kitchen, her little round body and big smiling face standing over the stove. She was ALWAYS smiling.

However, come to think of it, I'm not really sure she was a good cook. The only thing I remember her cooking were fried eggs that she would then douse in black pepper. But, I ASSUME she was a good cook because she was round. And lived in her kitchen.

The kitchen to me is a pretty alien place. I feign (uh, yeah....right) stupidity every time I walk in there. It's like there is a sign, visible only to me, that says "LEAVE BRAIN AT DOOR".

Which I do.

My latest culinary catastrophe was supposed to be green chili chicken stew. And, with strong hopes that Rita Sanchez does not read my blog, here's how I made it:
1. Get Barb to halve a roasted chicken with me 'cause all I want is the white meat
and all she likes is the dark.
2. Pour two cans of Rotel tomatoes in a pot, along with the shredded up
chicken breasts.
3. Pull everything out of the freezer looking for frozen vegetables.
4. Decide NOT to put the frozen black-eyed peas or the frozen fried okra in the
stew.
5. Throw in a bag of frozen mixed vegetables.
6. Throw in a carton of frozen green chili.
7. Say "What the hell!" and throw in a bag of old, freezer-burned turnip greens.
8. Place a confused look upon face and consider the need for chicken bouillon.
9. Decide NOT to put in powdered turkey gravy.
10. Boil until turnip greens are especially slimy.

And, then... if you can stand the smell in your kitchen... BON APPETIT!

This is not my first kitchen fiasco. There's been countless since I lost my cook (husband) through divorce.

There was the kitchen fire from trying to cook pork chops where Donna and Nina ran around the kitchen like little headless firemen trying to put out the fire while I went into a hysterical fit of helpless laughter because of anxiety.

There was the green chili chicken enchilada dumplings caused by my passive aggressive response to Donna telling me what to do.

Donna: "mix the corn starch in a little bit of warm water before you put it in
the green chili chicken broth".
Jenny (in her head) "What does SHE know?" as I just dumped the cup of corn starch in the broth.

Made for DELICIOUS green chili chicken enchiladas if you could ignore the large corn starch dumplings in the enchiladas!

As I write this, I realize I go to Jennyland when I cook - where I lose thought, cognition, and awareness. Just like I tend to do while eating.

I don't know if its the Gemini in me.. the balloon... the spontaneity... the irresponsibility... but I have this fantasy that I will just throw all this shit together and it will come out FANTASTIC!

Doesn't usually work.

However, I am willing to sell my latest green chili chicken stew recipe to anyone who wants to try it! Then I'll take the money and go out to eat.

Love,
Jenn

3 comments:

  1. Use Wondra flour instead of corn starch to thicken sauces and gravy then you won't have dumplings.

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  2. And I want to announce:
    I just ate the green chili/turnip green chicken stew for lunch and IT WAS GOOD! REALLY! Either sitting in the frig over night or the ketchup removed the weird turnip green taste. And I think it was probably REALLY healthy!

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  3. I'm a Gemini too, and flighty, but I can cook. I cooked years and years and years from recipe books before I could wing it successfully. And my Dad taught me how to do a bunch, too, like always mixing a small amount of liquid into dry ingredients before adding the rest. I cooked all of our meals in high school, when I lived with him. Some came out awful!

    I bet you don't really WANT to cook. I think the stuff we suck at is the stuff we don't really want to do. For me, sewing, fixing ANYTHING, and basic physics fall into that category. People have to do those things for me (well, not physics) or they don't get done. Keep on having people cook for you! :)

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