Today, I weigh 10 pounds less than I did when I started blogging.
It doesn't feel like much of a weight loss because I'm still in the weight range where I've vacillated for a long time now. For years now, I've hovered in the 230's and 240's.
Hovered. Like I could get my feet off the ground.
Today, I weighed 234. When I get to 229, I will feel like I'm really making progress because, honestly, I can't remember the last time I weighed under 230.
There is a wonderful blog called Escape From Obesity. The author has lost a lot of weight and is therefore, my hero.
Today, her blog title was Unstuck. Two of her statements that I so identify with are:
"I always used to be in a whirlwind before, unless I was at a dead standstill. I alternated between rushing, busy, frantic exhausted days and crash-and-burn, sit-home-and-binge days."
"My life felt like I was sitting in a topless Jeep in a giant mud slick, alternating between gassing it so hard I was flinging mud all over myself, and just shutting off the ignition completely and sitting there staring at the mud and giving up."
Sigh..... That is so ME. And I love the image of sitting in a topless Jeep either revving it up or staring glumly at the mud. Been there, done that, have the mud stains - both figuratively and literally.
In talking about how "all or nothing" my thinking is, Donna once described me as living life like a sprint runner. Either running as fast and furious through life as I can or laying on the couch in my jammies wanting someone else to go pee for me.
This personality trait has had such an impact on my struggle with weight. I've been ON A DIET or NOT ON A DIET.
In the past, ON A DIET meant eating Jenny Craig food, counting points, or not letting myself have the things I really love like chips and salsa, ketchup, cheese, Mexican food, potatoes, eating out, etc.
Being NOT ON A DIET meant eating how-ever-much-of-whatever-I-wanted-whenever.
I've never identified with binge eating because I think of it as eating HUGE, HUMONGOUS, GINORMOUS amounts of food. I used to work with some developmentally delayed people who had Prader-Willi Syndrome. They couldn't eat enough food and would do anything to get more, including going through garbage cans or eating spoiled food. They would truly eat until they were sick. At the group home, we had to keep locks on the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets.
That is what I thought of as binge eating.
It never dawned on me until this exact moment (Really! Right here blogging! I knew this was good for me!) that, when people talk about binge eating, they are talking about how I eat, not people with Prader-Willi. Talk about denial!
* Getting two chicken sandwiches at McDonald's because they're little.
* Eating dinner in the DeColores bar with Kara, Cindy, and Becky and two hours
later, eating dinner in the DeColores restaurant with Donna.
* Getting an order of Sonic tacos as an after-school snack.
* Eating my food, then half of Natalie's food.
* Ordering two entrees because I can't make up my mind which I want more.
........ And these are just RECENT examples!
My NOT ON A DIET really is binge eating. It's not "normal people not on a diet".
It's the opposite of dieting.
It's all or nothing.
It's the sprint run of eating.
Since I started blogging, I really haven't been doing that. Well, except for eating mine AND Natalie's dinners last Friday night.
I've been much more present. Much more just walking the track.
I really want to learn to live my life like a cross-country runner - in eating, in spending, in playing, in working, in cleaning, in joining, in volunteering, in saying "yes"........... in every aspect of my life.
I want to learn to "go the distance".