I KNOW I have few boundaries.
I KNOW I have a faulty internal filter.
But, I never thought how that affected my manners until yesterday.
Boundaries... Manners... Filters... They're all very connected.
I went to a beautiful memorial service yesterday for a friend's father. The family and friends who stood up and shared about him made me really wish that I had known him. But I know his daughter, and if she takes after her father at all, I can imagine what a loving, giving person he was.
But, back to manners.......
DeColores was serving food at the memorial service. They're one of my favorite restaurants, you know. I did a very good job on portion control but did eat a tamale, some brie, olives, and guacamole. Then, I started thinking about Donna who I had left at my house working on her computer while I went to the memorial service. I mean, MY house where there's nothing to eat.
So, (tacky, tacky, tacky).... I filled a plate and asked for foil to cover it so I wouldn't go home to Donna empty-handed.
Essentially, I asked for take-out at a funeral.
Let's have a mass eye-rolling. One... two.... three.... ROLL!
And really, if I try to analyze that convoluted place in my brain where I justify, rationalize, and ponder.... I think what I was really doing was trying not to be AHEAD of Donna in the competition of who ate the most yesterday.
Did Donna know that we were having a competition? Noooooooo, of course not. I compete with people who don't even know they're in the race. I have a better chance of winning then.
My take-out for Donna has THREE tamales, pineapple, brie, and a massive amount of guacamole. You can look at it either as I was being very generous or as I had to make sure she ate more than me.
I started feeling ashamed of myself after I got home for taking food from the funeral. The mean ole shaming Jenny in Jennyland was saying, "Didn't your mother teach you any better?"
And the answer is NO! I think my mother would have taken take-out from a funeral, too! She would have done like I did and made some elaborately confusing explanation to the host about why she was walking out with a foil doggy-bag, but she would have done it.
My mom didn't have much of a filter or boundaries either, I don't think. And I'm talking about even after she got sober. She was quirky and I think she assumed that other people were just like her on the inside but maybe not comfortable expressing it on the outside. That's how I think.
As my friend, Tippy, once said to me: "Jenny, you are how I've always been afraid of being. But watching you, I've realized that it would be OK if I was that way."
Well.......... I choose to take that as some form of compliment....
I'm interested in hearing from family members who knew my mom. Do you agree that she had flaky filters and boundaries and would have taken a doggy-bag?