Wednesday, November 30, 2011

20 Pounds

Yesterday, the scale said 224. It was just for a little bit because after fajitas, wine, and salsa last night at Chili's, this morning it said 226.

So, I took a new blog profile pic. I'm going to do that every 20 pounds. Unfortunately, my face continues to be round and squishy even when I weight 120! But, you should be able to tell there is a weight loss by the increase in wrinkles.

That's one of the good things about being an old, FAT person. Our wrinkles are pudged out. I can already see how much more wrinkly my neck is looking. Yuck. What movie was that where there were jokes about a wrinkly neck? Was it There's Something About Mary? Or maybe that was just the wrinkly boobs. I have those, too!

Unfortunately, I went a little crazy (the bad kind) when I saw the 224 yesterday morning. I was also waiting for a phone call from the oncologist's office about my latest test results.

Well, actually this type of insanity had visited me before. In fact, its had the power to make me completely blow off diets in the past. Maybe talking about it will take some of its power away.

Most of you are lucky enough to NOT know that I can be a crazy hypochondriac at times. I've been this way all my life - or at least since I was old enough to read "I Am Joe's Pancreas" and "I am Joe's Lung" in Reader's Digest when I was twelve. I'm not your classic frequently-go-to-the-doctor-with-psychosomatic-complaints type of hypochondriac. I'm just more of a low-key worrier, a low-key "this has got to be a symptom of something" kind of hypochondriac.

Let's visit the sane part of my brain:
I've been losing weight since I started eating less.
I've been losing weight since I started making better choices about food.
I've been losing weight since I started trying to be a conscious eater.
I've had cancer and didn't lose weight then.

Now, let's visit the insane part of my brain:
Weight loss is a symptom of cancer.
I must have cancer.
I need to keep my weight up.

I really have memories of when my FEAR of weight loss has made me quit eating healthy and start pigging out. On some sick level, I identify fat with healthy.

Go figure....

I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT THE CANCER IS IN MY THINKING!!!!!

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