Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Curse Of Spontaneity

I had a plan.
But it got out of hand.


I'd been tittering on the edge of - bingeing? insanity? something - since Friday.

But, I had it under control.

* I spent most of yesterday with my fellow balloon person, Barb. We had lunch at Hill Diner where I made healthy choices.

* We went to our local grocery store where they were having Customer Appreciation Day and giving out samples of all sort of goodies - salmon, sushi, baked goods, fried chicken, cheeses, meats, sandwiches, fruit, alcohol......

I abstained from everything.

* We went to Barb's house where I tried on size 18 REAL JEANS WITH ZIPPERS (not pretend jeans made of stretch material and elastic waists). Barb gave me lots of pairs because she has lost weight and wanted them out of her house.

(Don't expect to see them on me in the next couple of weeks though. I can get them on and all zipped up but haven't learned the finer art of breathing while wearing them. Give me time.)

* Somehow we ended up back at the grocery store.

Remember, I live in a very small town where there is little to do but play at the grocery store.

That time, I didn't abstain and soon had a little paper plate filled with fried chicken tenders, cheese, a tiny baby sandwich, and fruit.

There is something disquieting about pushing your grocery cart up and down aisles looking at diet food while eating fried chicken.

And that set the stage for my plan to really start falling apart....

The PLAN was that I was going to go over to Becky's house for forty-five minutes or an hour to give her a birthday gift and then drive to Santa Fe to pick up Tyler's girlfriend. (Because I'm a nice mom and he was working.)

BUT...

The late train from Albuquerque wasn't running so Marissa couldn't get to Santa Fe.

So, I stayed at Becky's and performed my untethered balloon routine.
I ate too much spaghetti sauce.
I drank too much wine.
I laughed too much.
I peed my pants.
I ate the icing off the cake plate.

I had a lot of fun but, today, I feel regret for the lack of consciousness of my behavior. Spontaneity. Sometimes in my life, just another word for lack of control.

If you google spontaneity, it ultimately takes you to spontaneous combustion. You can read all sorts of gruesome reports of people suddenly igniting and dying by fire that consumed them without torching their surroundings.

I'm very aware that I have the propensity for emotional spontaneous combustion. If I don't take care of myself emotionally, I WILL crash and burn. At this time of my life, that will mean getting back in my "well, just fuck it!" mindset. I will close the door on my dream of being more fit and healthy and eat my way to oblivion.

I don't want that.

3 comments:

  1. No Jen, we can't do that! We need to have a "plan" for spontaneity. Rules for it. Neither of us will ever follow plans to a T. It's not in our natures. Going against one's nature is what causes failure. We need to just figure out what adaptions we need to make to make healthier spontaneous moments. I'm so proud of you too! We can do this. I'm having trouble following an eating schedule, that is historically a problem for me. I forget to fuel up during the day. That is my biggest challenge right now and what my health team is concerned about. I know we can make the changes we need to make it's just gonna take a whole lot of work retraining ourselves at first. Don't let the few "not so good" choices dissuade you from continuing to save your own life! That's what I've been telling myself. Love you, my balloon sista!!!!

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  2. It's OK to make mistakes, Jenn - just don't get into the mindset of "all is lost" because then it might be. Just hop right back on that horse and tell yourself, "It's a new day, I'll try again today." And then think of five thins you're thankful for. (Sorry if I sound a little preachy - I just want to be supportive.)

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  3. LOL! I really appreciate your support, Kathy! You don't sound preachy. And I would be OK with preachy anyway.

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