Friday, November 18, 2011

How Do You Spell The Sound Of A Sigh Of Relief?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Maybe that's it.

I feel relief right now. And excitement about the holiday season that, for me, IS GOING TO START TOMORROW!!!!

Last night, I had a jewelry party at my house. A lesson I keep learning is that, though I love being around people, I go into a place of embarrassment, shame, and shyness when I have people over to my house. I keep learning this lesson because I keep repeating the behavior!

I don't know if people see the shyness, but I feel it. And the embarrassment. I used to live in a big pretty house with three floors, a two car garage, and a hot tub on the deck. I was proud of it because it was very different from the lower middle class home that I grew up in.

Through divorce, I've worked my way down to what I consider lower middle class housing like I grew up in. Now, I live in a fairly shabby duplex that I've decorated in a funky way.

My embarrassment is because I used to have the outside fixings that a lot of my friends have - the house, the garage, the money to spare, the husband......

The shame comes from, on some level, feeling like I did something wrong to lose all that.

But, the grown-up Me believes that things happen the way they are supposed to. And the grown-up Me knows that my life is better because of my divorce and all the losses it entailed, including losing my big pretty house.

With divorce, I lost my husband, my financial security, my house, my parenting partner, my housekeeper, my cook, my laundry person, my "daddy".

But I also lost my childishness, my boredom, my immaturity, my inability to be myself, my sense that I could never do anything right, and a huge part of my fear.

I like me better now. And I like my shabby little house with its pink walls and stenciled vines and Texas memorabilia. I like my cozy, girly bedroom.

But, I'm really getting off track here.

My sigh of relief is because:
* My jewelry party was a success - and it's over.
* I went to my 4-month oncology appointment today with a minimum of anxiety.
* The oncologist said everything looked and felt good (I'll know test results after Thanksgiving).
* On the doctor's scales, I had lost 14 pounds.
* My house is clean.
* And, TOMORROW I'M GOING TO DECORATE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Life is good.

Love,
Jenn

3 comments:

  1. I love your blog ! I just want you to know, that I think your house is beautiful and warm and welcoming, and that is SO much more important than big and fancy !
    Congrats on your weight loss that is AWESOME, and I wish it was me ! I think you're in a good place, that's getting better, because you put so much thought into everything, and you're going to keep seeing the results you want, both with your weight and the rest of you, because you're working so hard on it.
    Enjoy decorating your clean house !!
    Love,
    Lene

    ReplyDelete
  2. You can't decorate tomorrow!

    That's a whole week early!

    And?

    I'm so proud of you for your 14 pounds!

    And?

    I love your house and I love you!

    ReplyDelete