Maybe that's it.
I feel relief right now. And excitement about the holiday season that, for me, IS GOING TO START TOMORROW!!!!
Last night, I had a jewelry party at my house. A lesson I keep learning is that, though I love being around people, I go into a place of embarrassment, shame, and shyness when I have people over to my house. I keep learning this lesson because I keep repeating the behavior!
I don't know if people see the shyness, but I feel it. And the embarrassment. I used to live in a big pretty house with three floors, a two car garage, and a hot tub on the deck. I was proud of it because it was very different from the lower middle class home that I grew up in.
Through divorce, I've worked my way down to what I consider lower middle class housing like I grew up in. Now, I live in a fairly shabby duplex that I've decorated in a funky way.
My embarrassment is because I used to have the outside fixings that a lot of my friends have - the house, the garage, the money to spare, the husband......
The shame comes from, on some level, feeling like I did something wrong to lose all that.
But, the grown-up Me believes that things happen the way they are supposed to. And the grown-up Me knows that my life is better because of my divorce and all the losses it entailed, including losing my big pretty house.
With divorce, I lost my husband, my financial security, my house, my parenting partner, my housekeeper, my cook, my laundry person, my "daddy".
But I also lost my childishness, my boredom, my immaturity, my inability to be myself, my sense that I could never do anything right, and a huge part of my fear.
I like me better now. And I like my shabby little house with its pink walls and stenciled vines and Texas memorabilia. I like my cozy, girly bedroom.
But, I'm really getting off track here.
My sigh of relief is because:
* My jewelry party was a success - and it's over.
* I went to my 4-month oncology appointment today with a minimum of anxiety.
* The oncologist said everything looked and felt good (I'll know test results after Thanksgiving).
* On the doctor's scales, I had lost 14 pounds.
* My house is clean.
* And, TOMORROW I'M GOING TO DECORATE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
Life is good.