Oh, I hate to admit this, but I haven't been told 'no' very much in my fifty-seven years of existence.
There has been a lot of shit in my life - dad dying, mom becoming alcoholic, divorce, cancer.
But, in spite of that, I am still a dyed-in-the-wool-only-child-the-light-of-my-daddy's-eye princess. I still, maybe because of my background, have been able to manipulate my life situations so that everyone, including myself, usually tells me...
"Of course you can do it!"
"Of course you can have it!"
"Here, take this!"
"Here, take mine!"
"I don't see why not!"
"It's all right. You can do it."
"Go for it!"
"Whatever you want!"
"Go right ahead!"
...... And all the other opposites of 'no' that you can think of.
How does this affect me now? Well, I think that's pretty obvious.
If I want to buy it, if I want to spend it, if I want to do it, if I want to eat it...... I usually do.
Over the last five years, I've worked hard to learn to tell myself 'no' when it comes to buying whatever I want.
When I was married, I entertained myself by shopping. If I was happy, I shopped. If I was upset, I shopped. If I was bored, I shopped. That had to go away when Charlie went away. Well, actually, that's not true. That went away when ALIMONY went away.
Alimony was kind of like having the good parts of Charlie without the bad. Except alimony couldn't cook or clean.
Now, I'm having to learn to tell myself 'no' about eating.
I know I've learned this before. I mean, I went THREE MONTHS in 1991 without eating at all - just drinking Optifast shakes! I had to have told myself 'no' then, too!
But I feel like I'm having to learn it all over again.
The other day, I read this line in someone else's blog: "I knew it was a counterproductive desire, and I knew I had to tell myself no."
And it was kind of like hearing something for the first time. I thought, "Tell me 'no'?" Hmmmmmmmm.
I'm big on trying to say "YES" to life. I think it's important to LIVE NOW and to say "YES" to the opportunities that are presented to me by life.
But, I never thought about the fact that, for me, part of being able to say "YES" to life means being able to say 'no' to my compulsive desire to eat.
I need to say NO so I can say YES.
YES to sitting on the floor to wrap Christmas presents (which I can do now!)
YES to standing on a chair to hang up garland (which I can do now!)
Those are two things that I COULD NOT do in September - 19 pounds ago. It was so freeing and so empowering to be able to decorate and wrap presents without having to depend on someone else to do it for me.
There are other things that I have been able to say YES to just in the past week:
* Black Friday shopping - even though I had to sit down and rest at Target and again at Khol's, I am at least grateful that I was able to shop all night and I didn't need a cane/wheelchair/walker - like many overweight people I saw. Praise God.
* Size 18 jeans. OK, yes, they are killing me and making me look somewhat like a two-stick popsicle because every bit of fat below my waist is now pushed up to above my waistline... but STILL!
* Doing housework at my house and Donna's house. Lots of laying on the floor reaching under beds, get up/get down types of tasks. Not fun, but DOABLE!
I think I need to start making a list every night of the things that I've gotten to say YES to because of my newly-learned ability and willingness to say NO to compulsive eating.
I'll let y'all know...