I did really well last week by focusing on eating healthy and binge-safe foods. I had a little pattern going where I'd eat Lean Cuisine for lunch, then Subway for dinner. I got down to 227.5 by Friday morning, but would have gotten tired of the monotony without a break.
Well, spending the weekend in Albuquerque was definitely a break. Saturday morning, Elisa and I ate Thai Steak Salads - not too bad except for the toughness of the steak. After a thrilling day shopping at the mall (insert finger into back of throat) that included Elisa's being disappointed because I wasn't as "into her" clothes shopping as much as she would like me to be. I wasn't animated enough, helping her find stuff, giving feedback.....I tried to be more with it and joyful about our experience of shopping for clothes for her but the deeper we got into the belly of the mall, the less comfortable I was.
The mall - like birds, ducks, and itchy clothing - gives me a bad case of the willies. It's been that way since 1980 when I had a job from Thanksgiving Day to Christmas Day taking pictures of little kids in Santa's arms while dressed as an elf.
Anyway, as Elisa and I got farther and farther away from the mall entrance, the more sense of going into a dungeon I had. Heart rate up, cold sweats, shakes, and then full blown panic hit me and I had to get out of there right at that minute. It put a damper on Elisa's plans.
So, then we went to a restaurant where they serve roasted chicken, fresh veggies (sounding good and healthy), and wine. And wine. And wine.
By the time we got home around midnight, I had to eat AGAIN (hummus and wheat thins)to keep myself from barfing.
Too much wine means little sleep for me. Little sleep sets the stage for emotional eating and punishment eating for making bad choices the day before.
For breakfast today, I had scrambled eggs and cheese and green chili turkey sausage on an English muffin. I thought I was real smart to not eat the muffin. But as I sat there talking to my friend, I tore that Engish muffin into bite-sized morsels, dipped them in ketchup, and ate every single bite.
For lunch, Elisa and I took brussel sprouts off the stem and roasted them in olive oil and salt. Yum! We also roasted acorn squash and ate it with chicken.
Then, tonight for dinner, I had Tyler makes me a personal pan veggie pizza with no cheese. My newest way to like to eat pizza!
The sky has been overcast all day - which makes my mood overcast. I was having lots of thoughts of "oh, I fucked up", "I'm so stupid", "I can't do this".....
And then, I thought back to Marianne Williamson's question, "Is my eating an act of self-love or an act of self-hate?"
This weekend it has been some of both. But now I have a choice of what I focus on:
* the mistakes I made, or the
* ways that I was blessed
I can focus on the wine and the sobering midnight snack. I can focus on the English muffin that I really didn't want. I can focus on the pizza that was still a pizza even though it was cheeseless. I can focus on the total lack of exercise over the weekend.
I can practice an attitude of gratitude.
1. I'm grateful that Elisa is on a diet, too, and we could support each other - and we made pretty durn good choices.
2. I'm grateful for the long, deep, emotionally intimate talk we were able to have last night - even though some of it may have been driven by the wine.
3. I'm grateful for the other friends that I ate with this weekend - Jen, Ady, and Roci - who know what I'm trying to do (mainly from this blog) and were trying to support me.
4. I'm grateful for Trader Joe's for yummy veggies to roast.
5. I'm grateful for Tyler's pizza making expertise and his joyful willingness to make one for his mom.
6. I'm grateful to this blog that I inexplicitly feel a compulsion to be honest on, which in turns helps me stay accountable, which in turn helps me lose weight. Who would have thought it?
7. I'm grateful for the lessons that I haven't forgotten from my childhood days in Alateen: If you're negative, get out pen and paper and make a gratitude list - even if all you can think of to be grateful for at that moment is that you don't have dirt under your fingernails. We have the power to change our thinking by making gratitude lists rather than "Why Me" lists. When we change our thinking, we change our behavior.
So, right now I'm grateful for the things I did do right this weekend. Punishing myself (by eating, saying "fuck it", going into emotional unconsciousness) isn't going to help Jack Shit. LOL! Or me!
I'm probably not going to weigh 227.5 tomorrow but whatever it is, it will be OK. And I"ll go from there.