Friday, December 2, 2011

BINGE ALERT! BINGE ALERT! STARTING IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS!

I'm SOOOOOO excited because one of best friends in arriving this afternoon to visit until December 12th!

It's Dianne, my balloon buddy, overeating buddy, laughter buddy, just-plain-over-the-top buddy. She's been gone for nearly two years and I HAVE MISSED HER!!!!!

I would be going on one looonnngg binge as soon as she gets here except for one HUGE saving grace. Dianne had weight loss surgery last September, has lost an exceptional amount of weight, and is strictly limited on what she can tolerate eating and drinking.

That SHOULD be a saving grace to me, right?

Only if I let it.


And, oh God! That is so scary!!

Di and I are meeting a bunch of friends tonight at our local bar where two years ago, she would have had quite a few Blue Moons and I would have had wine and we would have shared a big order of nachos and an order of chili con queso. She would probably have ordered a veggie quesadilla as the evening wore on and I would have had something with a lot of ketchup.

Life has got to be different tonight - for both of us.

Dianne HAS to make different choices. Her body won't let her do otherwise. Her emotional motivation is strengthened by her inability to put as much food and drink inside her as she used to.

My different choices have to come from a different place. And they're not very strong. My tummy is still huge and could hold a medium-sized dog (if I ate dogs - WHICH I DON'T)!

I feel like I need to put on some type of emotional armor to protect myself - from myself.

One of the things that I've noticed about my friends who have had weight loss surgery is that they frequently order what they've always ordered and then, by necessity, only eaten a couple of bites.

My fear is that Dianne will do that (which is perfectly fine!) --- as long as I don't take on the role of being her human garbage disposal. I have been known to do that. I'm a cleaner-upper of plates.

I also know that Dianne is so excited about having a Blue Moon with her friends. But, I imagine that one beer is going to last her all night. She will physically not be able to do it any other way.

I am able to drink a lot more wine than one glass. But am I willing to stop at one when I'm out with this group of fun people?

No. Honestly.... I'm not. Just leaving that as an esoteric question is a set-up for me to deceive you - and myself.

I need to be honest and say that no, I won't stop at one. I will drink three glasses of wine. That's what I do. Less than that, I can't feel the buzz. More than that, I feel too much buzz.

.............................
Ugh. I know I'm not making any sense but this is how the thoughts are coming out of my fingers. Bear with me.....

1. It's important that I not EAT FOR DIANNE. She doesn't need me to, but I worry about my subconscious ways of playing games with myself. If she buys something and only eats a bite of it, I need to keep my fucking hands away from it. And my fucking mouth!!!!!!! NO, NO, JENNY! STOP!

2. Today, I was a strong 224 pounds (meaning I couldn't move around on the scales and make it go up to 225). I need to remember the 20 pounds that I have stayed conscious in order to lose. I really can't say I "worked hard" for it, but since September 19th, I have stayed with my feelings, focused on my goals, and remembered who it is that I want to be. That's what the loss of the 20 pounds is.

I CAN'T LOSE SIGHT OF THAT JUST BECAUSE MY OLD EATING BUDDY (who no longer can eat with me) IS VISITING!!!!!!!

3. Though Dianne and I are both balloon people, I don't need to go laughingly
drifting off into Jennyland with her. I need to STAY GROUNDED.

4. I need to take it one day at a time. Tonight's plan: A bowl of beans, salsa, ketchup, and three glasses of wine.

5. And I just impulsively wrote this on my arm.
The bad thing is that I'm blogging during my lunch time at work. I still have to get through the afternoon - including an IEP meeting - now with Sharpie writing on me.

Please give me ideas of how to go into that dangerous place for me - OBLIVION!

What just popped into my head when I typed that was a line from the Lord's Prayer - changed to fit the situation.

"Lord, lead me not into oblivion..."

Then I had to say the whole prayer to remember the right line of "lead me not into temptation...."

Funny how, in my life, they are the same thing.

9 comments:

  1. As soon as a person is done with their food...Clear the plate from the table. Your new rule is one drink 2 full glasses of water before you can have another.....Tell her Hi for me and I will take care of Nina tonight and possibly tomorrow cuz it is snowing.....

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  2. Should up and do you know how much sugar is in ketchup?I have put kethup on the table yesterday? I did not know you were a lover of ketchup...Lots! I would save my calories for something better....

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  3. Reality:
    1. Di drank one and a half glasses of sangria.
    2. I brand 4 glasses of wine.
    3. I ate my bowl of beans and than half a cup of hers! :-(
    4. I had Ty come get me so Di could stay later with my car. I'm safe in my bed now.

    I did OK.

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  4. OK. I admit I really DRANK 4 glasses of wine rather than branding them.

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  5. Jenn!! Well done that was damage limitation to the max :-)

    Here's a trick for the next few days while your friend is with you, ask her to place her serviette over her plate so you can't see the food when she is finished and you are peckish - if you don't see the food, the chances are that you will not nibble on it. :-)

    I'm so proud that you are not going for surgery, and are opting to do this the old fashioned painful way - i feel you appreciate it all the more! :-)

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  6. Thanks Deezer! But what is a serviette? A napkin? I'm gonna start calling it a ser-vi-ette. Right?

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  7. you should be so proud of yourself. you are amazing. just have her put her food she isn't eating in a to go container on the floor and then don't bring it home.
    then you don't have to look at it, pick at it, or be tempted by it.

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  8. Just an FYI to those who don't understand- There is nothing easy about weight loss surgery. I have lost weight in the past the "old fashioned way" (120 pounds in under a year in 1994) and having done both I can honestly say that it was easier for me back then doing it the "old fashioned way". This was a very scary, life changing decision for me to make. It is hard work almost every moment of everyday, just as Jen's method is. At this point in my life, it would have not been possible to do what I was able to do before. And let's face it, it all came back on gradually over the last 16 years. Anyway, I don't really need to justify my choices to anyone and am not meaning to. I merely want to make it clear that there a many routes to the same destination but not all routes work for every traveller. Each route is equally challenging in it's own unique way. Jen has been very brave and her blog and friendship has helped keep me going. We are trying to save our and each other's lives and that's where the focus is and should be. Just a quick end note for folks to think about; many people who's lives could have been saved by some sort of weight loss surgery (there are several kinds,by the way) don't have it because of the stigma of it being the lazy and easy way out. I hope I have shed some light on this for those of you who didn't have a realistic understanding in this matter. Cheers and be well.

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  9. Dianne / Jenn,

    Serviette = napkin :-) and your pronunciation is spot on :-p

    Apologies if it appeared that I was suggesting surgery is something 'easy' - obviously it is not. However, I feel that while you are both fighting the same war, after a gastric surgery your stomach is physically smaller, and it is not possible for you to put as much food away. This is what i understand - obviously you have to make the right decision as to what food / drinks you do put away, but the physical amount will be smaller, that is what I meant by encouraging Jenn to put a serviette / napkin over your plate - then you don't see the food to nibble on.

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