I'm trying to think of cliches for how I'm feeling right now. I'm hanging by a thread. I'm sitting on my resolve. My motivation is stuck in my butt crack.
Obviously, I'm having a hard time thinking of the right cliche.
So, here's the facts:
* I have been playing and partying all week.
* I've been eating out even more than usual. That's hard to imagine because I eat out most of the time.
* It's Dianne's last night before she flies back to Boston.
* I'm sad that Dianne is leaving.
* I'm tired.
* My house is all trashed.
* My clothes are all dirty.
* I weighed 227 this morning - two pounds more than yesterday and four pounds more than the lowest I've weighed in awhile (223 earlier in the week).
All this adds up to me being close to reaching the point of "screw it" mentality.
I think the weight gain is really bothering me even though I didn't overeat last night. I ordered chicken tacos without the tacos which meant getting a bowl with shredded chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a little bit of cheese. What put on the pounds was the pint of salsa and the three Bloody Marys. OK, four.
Today, we met friends at a restaurant in Espanola. I shared a grilled veggie burrito with Di. I hate to admit it but this was my part after we shared.
"Sharing" with someone who has recently had weight loss surgery means getting much more than half.
Looking back on lunch two hours later, I realize that I happily ate lunch in a Jennyland daze (denial) where I really saw myself "sharing" the burrito with Dianne. Like half-a-portion-sharing. The real kind. Not eating 7/8ths of a humongous helping of beans and oily veggies wrapped in a flour tortilla and smothered with cheese, green chili, and ketchup.
Gross. When you describe food for what it is, it's kinda less appetizing, isn't it?
Tonight, we're meeting friends at Gabriel's, the home of wonderful guacamole and margaritas. And fajitas. And carnitas. And sangria. And enchiladas. And tamales. And burritos. And flan. And fried ice cream.
I really don't know how I'm going to do. I'm gonna try to eat consciously but..... how to say this........ I have a feeling I'm going to intentionally close my eyes to myself.
I'm already feeling the need to focus on forgiveness of myself for what I think I'm going eat and drink tonight.
That's not good, is it?
Whatever happens tonight, I know that tomorrow life will get back to normal. I will clean my house and do my laundry and get in bed at a decent time and watch Sons of Anarchy under the cover.
I may escape into Jennyland tonight where I am a skinny princess and can do whatever and however much I want. But I don't have to live there.