Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I'm not really sure what happened that made me want to try to blog to become conscious about what I was eating.

My friend, Dianne, was about to lose a lot of weight and I was envious.

My friend, Barb, is an amazing blogger (joyfulnoiseforajoyfullife.blogspot.com) and was always talking about the personal benefits of blogging. While at Sonic one day, she told me about a blog called Diary Of A Fat Girl and I said, "If I was going to blog, I'd call mine Diary Of An Even Fatter Girl".

Then I went home and did it.

It's the brain of a Gemini. Or a tangential thinker. Or just someone with ADD.

Here's my depiction of how thoughts are SUPPOSED to occur:

Here's how my thoughts occur:


SEE? I'M DOING IT! I nearly forgot where I was going with this!

Back to Thought #1:
I didn't really have a plan when I started blogging and becoming conscious about eating. I wasn't "getting ready" for something.

"Getting ready" for something doesn't usually work for me. When I was "getting ready" for my cousins' cruise last year, I only lost a few pounds and immediately gained them back. When I was "getting ready" for last summer and the swimming pool, I only lost a few pounds and immediately gained them back. When I was "getting ready" to have a second baby, I just blew it off and adopted!

I don't lose weight as a part of "getting ready" for anything.

I think this is one reason I'm STILL being conscious. My desire to lose weight isn't connected to any certain event or anything else.

During the last couple of weeks, there has been Facebook talk about a 40th reunion of my graduating class. First, there was talk about it being in June.

I don't have a lot of investment in what I look like for my 40th high school reunion. There are no "old boyfriends" in that class, everyone knows what I look like now because of Facebook anyway, I was fat for my 30th reunion, and actually more people probably are even aware of my existence now (because of Facebook) than there were while I was in high school.

I was the awkward, shy, weird, invisible high schooler. Now, I'm the loud, obnoxious boundary-less old woman.

I think it's very good that I was not the way I am now while I was in high school.

Back to Thought #1 again.....
This morning, I read on Facebook that the reunion was going to be in October, not June.

I had the awareness that, if I was dieting because of my reunion in June, I would fall off it today after finding out that I had four more months to prepare for it.

That statement was what I wanted to say. The whole purpose of this post.

Took me long enough to get there, huh?


Monday, January 30, 2012


This morning I weighed 213 pounds.


However, twice in the last 20+ years, I have gotten down in the low 200's - then sabotaged myself.

Seventeen years ago, I got down to 211 on Jenny Craig - then blew it off.
Six years ago, I got down to 203 on Weight Watchers, exercise, and Topamax - then blew it off.

How can I do something different this time?

Here are some strategies that I'm going to use within the next week to keep myself motivated and on-track:

1. Focus on exercise this week. I still don't have ANY feelings of actually "liking" any kind of exercise - though I do like how my body feels at night when I get into bed after exercising that day. I want to commit to the following strategies for the next five days:
* Monday - Jazzercise at school
* Tuesday - Core Flex at the Y
* Wednesday - Jazzercize at school
* Thursday - Core Flex at the Y
I'd also like to add going to the pool at least once this week and walking on the canyon rim trail FOR THE FIRST TIME this week.

2. DRINK WATER! Water drinking is so difficult for me and I know that it is important. I drink lots of Crystal Light lemonade that has lots of water in it, but I still think I need PLAIN WATER.
* Drink at least two of my green water bottles full of plain water a day. That's still not enough but it's better than none.

3. There is going to be lots of food and alcohol at next Sunday's Super Bowl party. I know that Jen will make AMAZINGLY EXCELLENT GOODIES that I will want to cram in my mouth.
* Remember that I don't crave sweets like some people do. I can do with a BITE. (Yes, you really can, Jenny. You just sometimes THINK you are a big sweet eater, BUT YOU'RE NOT!)
* Take two or three pomegranates to eat during the game. They are time consuming, hand-using, and good.

I'm excited about this week and the adventures that it will hold. Dinner with the Tuggles, dinner with Cathy, play rehearsal, time spent with Judy, Kara's birthday, Topper Review, Super Bowl.........

Each week that I'm successful motivates me to try the next week and to meet my challenges head on.

Here's some challenges that I know of during the next two or three months:
1. I want to be emotionally and physically available for my friend, Judy, who is undergoing chemotherapy. I don't want to deal with my sadness and anxiety about her by eating.
2. In March, I go for my two year uterine cancer check-up. On a core, dark, scary, mythological level in my head, I still associate weight loss with ill health - and being 'fat and sassy' as good health. (I mean, do you ever think of Santa Claus as sick?) I know that is one of my "myths", but it still rears it's head at times - especially when it's time for my nerve-racking oncology appointments.
3. I want to spend Spring Break in Texas visiting relatives and friends. I tend to do everything BIG (and obliviously) when in Texas - eat, drink, laugh, spend........ I must have temperance in Texas.

tem·per·ance [tem-per-uhns, tem-pruhns] noun
1. moderation or self-restraint in action, statement, etc.; self-control.
2. habitual moderation in the indulgence of a natural appetite or passion,
especially in the use of alcoholic liquors.


What are you excited about this week and what strategies are you going to use to make it successful - in WHATEVER you're trying to do?

Sophrosyne Jenn

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Ten Year Anniversary Of A New Beginning

While writing my last blog and saying something about Nina being 19 years and 1 week old, I realized that today was the ten year anniversary of Charlie waking me up, telling me he was in love with another woman, and walking out the door. For good.

Today is the anniversary of my plummet to the depths of confusion, self-doubt, and -I hate to say it- despair.

Or at least that was what I thought.........

In hindsight, today is the 10 year anniversary of the Beginning of Me. Me without someone telling me what to do. Me not feeling "less than" or "not good enough" all the time. Me making my own decisions, being responsible for my own life.

Divorce happens to lots of people. It's a trauma, a life-changing moment, frequently a time of grief.

But that's not all it is.

With every goodbye, there is a hello.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Sucky Parenting

How come parenting can make me feel like a complete failure quicker and more intently than anything else in my life?

There are days like today where I really can't win for losing.

But even that statement shows part of the problem. Parenting, at least of your nineteen year old daughter, shouldn't be a win or lose situation. It should be win/win. At the end of the day, both parties self-esteem should be intact. Not shredded like pulled pork.

With my children, I wear my buttons on my sleeves. And they are very sensitive, "touchy" buttons. If one of them were the infamous red button that launches the missiles that begin the end of the world ............. well, we'd all be long gone now. Sorry.

Luckily, I don't wear that particular button. My buttons (and the pushing that they have endured today) have just left mine, AND NINA'S, self worth looking like BBQ burned on to the bottom of the crock pot.

Why, oh why, do I visualizes everything as food?

Nina is visiting for the weekend. I was SO EXCITED about her coming. But, in 24 hours, we have had three "fights" about....... nothing. Really, all three incidents have been me not saying or doing the "right" thing (according to her 19 years and 1 week old brain), her bitching at me as only a 19 (or 13) year old female can do, and me becoming overly dramatic and histrionic as only I, Jenn Neil, can do.

I can do drama like nobody else's business.

Blah, bleeck, grumble, urggg, yuck, fuck.

We've apologized now, we've said I Love You. I didn't eat over it THOUGH I CONSIDERED IT.

It's over. I'm tired. And sad.

And I'm thinking I should win a fucking Oscar.

Your Neighborhood Drama Queen

Friday, January 27, 2012

Stuck. Physically And Emotionally.

I'm fighting depression.

I think it's partly because I don't feel good. I'm not sick. No sore throat, cough, or cold symptoms. I just feel like someone sucked out all my energy and left me with a cold, achy shell.


Somewhere mixed in with the physical complaints is depression because, even though I have not made huge eating mistakes this week (as I have been known to do), I weigh at least a pound more than I have for the last two weeks.

I KNOW the reasons.

I KNOW what I would say to myself if I was someone else that this had happened to, and I KNOW what I would say if I was me and this happened to someone else.

(Oh, that is such a Lost In Jennyland statement.)

It is normal to plateau.
Sometimes you lose inches instead of pounds.
Drink lots of water. You're probably retaining salt.
That's why you shouldn't be weighing every day.
Don't weigh! Go by how your clothes feel instead!
It happens to everyone.

And I say..........

BULLSHIT. This is still pissing me off.

I feel psychological and physical energy when I can see the scales moving. I feel motivated when I can see the scales moving. I feel happy when I can see the scales moving. I feel proud when I see the scales moving. I feel excited when I see the scales moving.

This is bumming me out.

Patience is not a virtue to me. Well, maybe it is.... but I don't UNDERSTAND patience. I don't do it good.

Bah humbug stupid scales.......


P.S. I'm hoping it will make me feel better to get this out. Thanks for listening.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Help! I'm Blogging Because I've Melted Into My Chair!!

Jazzercise has kicked my butt. Now, I need to go pee and I need to go home from work and I need to get ready for Bunco......

...... but I've melted into my office chair after an amazing Jazzercise class and can't get up.

It really does feel like I've melted. My hair is wet and stringy. I can't feel my legs. My arms are shaking so much that I keep having to correct typos.

It's like a good kind of shaky paralysis. Whatever that means.....

Our school secretary is a certified Jazzercise instructor. Today was the first day of a FREE Jazzercise class that she is teaching to interested staff after school.

I thought:
"I can do this!"
"I know Jazzercise. I took some classes in the '80's."
"I've had two Core Flex classes in the last week. This will be a piece of cake!"

And now, I'm as close to laying down as one can be while sitting in an office chair with wheels.

A little more relaxed and I will need to yell "TIMMMMM-BERRRRRRRRRR".

While I was in the class, I vacillated between the vacant smiles of a simpleton to thinking "THIS SUCKS!".

But the minute it was over, I felt the elation of having achieved a goal - even though for part of the class, I just helplessly laid on the floor.

It was a great way to start the week. I want to become an exercise addict. I mean, I do addiction soooooooo good. It would be nice to be addicted to something healthy.

Last night, I posted a Marianne Williamson quote on Facebook:
"Imagine the most outrageously positive possibility for your life, claim it and consider it done."
It resonated with me last night when I read it. I thought the most outrageously positive possibility for my life would probably be to be open to the idea of another relationship with a man.

But, maybe the most outrageously positive possibility for my life would be for me to become an exercise addict.

I'm going to claim it.

I am an exercise addict.
I, Jennifer, am an exercise addict.

OK. I am. Beginning now.

That feels so much safer than a relationship. ;-)


P.S. In the interest of transparency, I need to tell you that EVERY TIME I tried to type "exercise addict", I initially typed "relationship addict".


I'm NOT a relationship addict. I'm a relationship scaredy-cat! A relationship anarchist.

Oh, don't get me going............

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Nina's Birthday

Today is my daughter Nina's 19th birthday.

I didn't get to meet her 19 years ago today. I didn't meet her until May 30, 1996 when she was three and a half years old.

I woke up feeling gratitude for the Russian woman who gave birth to Nina 19 years ago. It probably wasn't an easy birth. Nina was two months premature and basically born dead. It is a miracle that the doctors decided to revive her.

I imagine that her birth was a time of fear and panic. And the woman who gave birth to her must have felt that trying to raise a premature baby in poverty - if the baby even survived - was too much. The woman left the hospital after giving birth, without Nina.

Nina stayed in the hospital for four months. She had been so "unready" for birth that she didn't know how to suck. She was fed with a tube until she was big enough to go to the orphanage.

To me, January 21st is the anniversary of a miracle. Nina is a miracle. She was meant to be my daughter and, without the goodness of God and the poor Russian woman, she would not be in my life.

To Nina, January 21st is a hard day. She told me tonight that it's hard because I can't tell her stories about how on this day - however many years ago - I saw her for the first time, held her for the first time..... I can't say "at exactly this time 19 years ago" - because I don't even know the time of her birth.

It's like, on some cellular level, Nina remembers that January 21, 1993 was a difficult and scary time for a tiny baby not quite ready to come into the world. It was the beginning of three and a half years of being in a room with numerous other cribs, learning to cry the loudest to get attention.

When we got Nina at age three and a half, her voice sounded like a little old lady who had smoked cigarettes for forty years. The doctors told us that she had "screamer's nodules" on her voice box.

It's how she survived.

Nina and I decided tonight that January 21st is not the day that she is comfortable celebrating. It's not the day that things started for her - or for us.

May 30, 1996 is that day that things started. That's the anniversary of the first time I looked into her eyes. That's the day I saw her waddle across the room in black patent shoes saying "momma!". That's the day we first touched, her first car ride, first airplane ride, first bite of ice...... The beginning of many firsts.

That's the day she wants to celebrate.

So, even though I thank God for this day 19 years ago when my daughter came into the world, we will celebrate her "gotcha" day on May 30th.

That's when we began.

Nina's Grateful Mom

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I'm So Grateful For My Legs

I've been saying that to myself all day. After awhile, it's starting to have the cadence of I'mmm too sexy for my shirt, I'mmm too sexy for my shirt.

But I really have felt much gratitude today for the ability to walk without pain; the freedom that being able to use your legs gives you.

I don't know if it was because of my four visits to the chiropractor or the loss of 20+ pounds, but I can now walk without constant knee pain. Praise God!

And I'm not talking about taking walks kind of walking. I'm just talking about getting from one place to the other without feeling dread, pain, and frustration.

It's funny the lifestyle changes you make over time when you can't comfortably walk.

* You learn to carry your purse, coat, Sonic diet coke, computer, phone, and eight plastic grocery bags - all at the same time.
* You learn to manipulate guilt-trip your children everyone to get up and get things for you.
* You learn to do without.
* You learn to hold your pee.
* You learn to patiently drive around parking lots waiting for a "close" parking spot to open.
* You learn to eat at McDonald's and Sonic because you don't have to get out of the car.

Three gifts of awareness I've had in the last two days:

1. Last night, Nick (my friend's Jen's son) and I went to Subway. We carried out four sandwiches and three drinks. After we got back in the car, I handed Nick all the sandwiches and drinks so I could drive but then noticed that we were one drink short. My first response was for us to transfer his lap-load of dinner to me, so he could get out and go back into Subway to get the other drink.

Then I realized that it would actually be EASIER if I went back into Subway, so I hopped out of the car and did it.

The key word there is easier. A year ago... even two months ago ... it wouldn't have been easier for me to get out and get the drink. It would have been a painful O.R.D.E.A.L.

2. Tyler was supposed to come over tonight to get his Subway sandwich (I tell you, I really do go there nearly every night) and I told him to get the rest of the grocery bags out of my car even though I knew that it would be half an hour before he got to my house. After taking in my first load of groceries, I realized I could easily (painlessly) take in the second load. And while I was out there, I realized that it felt so good to be under my own foot power that I wanted to take my own trash to the curb - rather than manipulating Tyler to do it when he got there.

3. (And this one slays me..) I live in a duplex that doesn't have a garage or carport. I have a parking pad. To get to my parking pad, you walk down the 14 stairs in front of my house, turn onto the sidewalk, and walk to the end of my front yard where the parking pad is located.

Sometime in the last year and a half, I quit parking on my parking pad and started parking on the street right at the bottom of my stairs. That made it a clear shot from my car to my front door. That cut out a lot of steps for my legs.

Tonight, I realized that I no longer need to do that.

Last night at Core Flex class, I was aware of things my legs could and could not do.
I could not: sit on the ball and raise one foot off the ground
I could not: do the plank with my legs outstretched.
I could not: do the crazy warm-up dance moves.

But I could: get on the floor, get up off the floor, stand on my knees, walk on my knees, and do leg lifts.

Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore. We're in a bright new world where legs symbolize freedom, rather than pain.

I can't wait to get up and use my legs tomorrow.

They are no longer my enemies.

Harry and Gertrude
(Jenn's legs)

200 Or Bust


What gives??????? Has exercising my core one time already turned some of my fat into muscle and made me weigh more??

That's one of the reasons justifications rationalizations excuses I have about not wanting to exercise. I know that it can cause some weight gain as I gain muscle mass.

I also know that gaining half a pound (especially using scales that only show pounds and half-pounds) is one of the reasons that I shouldn't weigh every day.

But I do. And I will. Otherwise, I go through the day with my eyes closed.

So, the focus needs to be health, strength, balance, physical power, flexibility, self-pride, energy, better sleep -- all the things that come with exercising -- in addition to a possible small weight gain.

I've decided on a goal.

My goal is to weigh less than 200 by the day that school is out - May 25th.

17 pounds in 18 weeks. Eighteen weeks and two days.

I can do that, can't I?

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the swimming pool. I always get a membership into one of our local community pools and spend summer days either in the water playing or on the deck talking and reading.

Last summer at the pool, I weighed between 240 and 250.

This year, I'm determined to be 199 or below the first day the pool opens!



Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Widdle Whiny Jenny vs. Grown-Up Jenn

I feel a little bit like I'm rebelling against myself (as I tend to do)...

I DID go to the Y but I didn't go to the treadmill. I saw someone I knew and ended up in a "Core Flex" class with them.

I liked it as far as exercise goes - even though my arms are now shaking.

We used a ball and weights and laid on the floor and lifted parts of our bodies that I had forgotten existed. I couldn't do parts of it.

Like the "plank".

And I kept being afraid I was going to fart.

But I reminded myself that I've recently lost 28 pounds with basically no exercise.
And I couldn't get myself out of a bathtub four months ago.
I couldn't sit on the ground because it was too hard to get up.
And in the last year, I've had a broken elbow. And a chronically painful knee (until I lost some weight).

I can DO this.

And I feel pretty darn proud of myself for trying.


If I Blog It, Will I Do It?

Today, I was 216.5.....

I hope I've gotten over the 217 hump that I got to before Christmas and couldn't get below.

A week ago Monday, I put my exercise clothes and my tennis shoes in a bag in my car.

Last Wednesday, I wrote in my daytimer all the times and places for water aerobics, yoga, and pilates in my town.

That's as far as I got.

Even I know that just thinking about exercising is NOT THE SAME AS EXERCISING!

If it were, I would be so effing petite!!!

I've learned how wonderful a blog can be to hold someone accountable. But, can a blog hold me accountable to something I haven't done yet? Something I just PLANNED?

I'm going to try.

Here it is:

I am going to go to Deep Water Aerobics today at 5:30.

There. It's written. It's in the blog. Now, it can't be changed. I have to do it.

We'll see.....

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Jenned On Somebody

That's a lot like shit on them. But in my own special way.

I grew up in a twelve step program called Alateen. I grew up thinking and talking about things like "searching and fearless moral inventories", "defects of character", and "shortcomings".

Well, today, one of my shortcomings took center stage and, once again, I was given the insight that my princess-ness can still come across loud and clear.

Like any self-absorbed, narcissistic, only child princess - I forget that not everyone feels the same way I do. I self-centeredly ASSUME that we all live in Jennyland, all have the same needs, and all have the same limitations and boundaries.

I don't know how many times I have to learn this lesson. It comes up regularly.

Not everyone is as spontaneous as me.
Not everyone thinks out loud and verbalizes ideas of intentions, rather than set-in-stone intentions.
Not everyone feels toward everyone else like I do.
Not everyone wants what I want or feels what I feel or values what I value or needs what I need or tolerates what I tolerate.

Everyone is not me.

I am an extrovert. Not everyone is.
I like to be with lots of people at once. Not everyone does.

I don't like it when I lay ME on other people and assume we are the same.
Especially when I'm wrong.

Today, I hurt someone through my assumptions.
Today, I annoyed someone by forgetting that their needs weren't the same as mine.

I jenned on them.

I've decided that a princess is a princess is a princess. No matter how many alcoholic parents you have, no matter how many dads you lose, no matter how many times your husband leaves you, no matter how many years you live as a single parent..................................

........ if you've got that self-absorbed, only child, princess in you......

...... you will fight it all your life.

Love you.
Resistant Princess Jenny

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Living With The Good And The Bad


Still. But that's great after the kind of week I've had. It's not 244.

I remember when, as a child/teenager/and even young adult, I used to think that, if one bad thing happened, it ruined the day. Days were either good or bad. Weeks were either good or bad - depending on if there was a "bad day" stuck in there.

It took me a long time to learn that life is made up of the little joys, smiles, sorrows, excitements, hurts, peace, frustrations, laughs, disappointments, griefs, loves, dreads, happys, and fears that happen on a minute to minute basis. It takes all of those emotions and experiences to make up our individual quilts called life.

I wish I was creative. I would design and make a quilt to symbolize my life. Today, while I was whining, Barb said "You are creative. You are creative in your head." That's so true. I'm a very visual person. I "see" things as pictures. But they are stuck there in my head. There is a major disconnect between what I visualize in my head and what comes out of my hand and/or my mouth.

If you could sit right in front of me and tap your feet impatiently while I aphasically search for words and wave my hands and arms about - you might be able to get some idea of what I was visualizing and trying to describe. But probably not.

How did I get off on that?

I was trying to tell you that this week - like all weeks - has been a little baby-sized quilt of many colors. I have had worries and excitements and griefs and laughter and sorrow and love and bad times and good times.

And I have stayed the same weight. How nice. My weight has not gone up and down with my emotions. Hopefully, that's a sign of newly learned behavior?

My Week......

1. My friend got diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. She's had a rough couple of years. It was heartbreaking to see this come into her life. But, on some level I know, that even when it looks like someone is getting hit repeatedly by challenges (or horrors - however you want to see it), there is still the laughter, little joys, love, hopes, moments of peace in there. There has to be. It's how life works. Even if we choose not to see the positives.

One thing I learned this week. It hurts just as much to be standing next to someone when they receive this kind of news as it does to be the one receiving the news. I kept praying "show me how to support", "give me the words"....

And I just kept remembering when I got told I had cancer - the wanting it to be a dream, the wishing I could just turn back time. I had so many friends with me that day. Barb and Cathy and Jana and Josh and Gay and Ellen came over that night. Barb and Gay and Ellen and Elisa took me to the oncologist appointment the next day.

I can't describe to you how important my friends are to me. How life-giving. How life-stabilizing.

2. I got an Iphone. That's actually why I haven't blogged in the last couple of days. I got obsessed.

Who? Me?

I stupidly told the Verizon guy to not transfer my contacts so I've painstakingly downloaded them one by one. I've gotten to the E's.

So far, the apps I've downloaded are Facebook, Pinterest, Amazon Kindle, Instagram and a mirror.

If I could just download lipstick, salsa, vaseline, ketchup, Texas, and a fan I would have downloaded everything that materialistically symbolizes me.

What materialistically symbolizes you? What would your avatars be? I would like mine to be different, but that's really my honest list. But it gives me an idea for my next blog.

I'd tell you about the other goods and bads of my week but I've got to go out and live life. I have a lunch date.

And I feel pretty confident that I'm going to eat consciously.

Yay, me!

Love you.....
An iphone owner named Jenny

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Confession Is Good For The Soul. And It Better Be Good For The Motivator

I don't even have my laptop. I'm having to blog from my phone. I feel discombobulated and I can't even google to make sure that's spelled correctly.

This morning, I left work to take a friend of mine to the hospital for a breast biopsy. Its important for me to be able to do that because, when I had cancer, it was ONLY with the help of my friends that I got through it.

I went to work, rearranged all my clients, ate a small bag of pretzels for breakfast (my first mistake), left my carefully packed lunch and my laptop on my desk - and left to get my friend to the hospital by 10. Her surgery was scheduled for noon.

I told my boss that I'd be back by 1:45. I was obviously living in some alternative reality.

After anxiously laying in a pre-op bed for SIX hours, they finally came and got my friend at 4pm. I was frustrated for her, worried about her, tired of sitting on my butt in a hard chair, and HUNGRY!

And there was no way that I would have eaten even if I'd HAD food because my friend was hungry, too, and she COULDN'T eat.

So things were getting dicey on the diet front, you know?

At 5:00, Becky (bless her heart) brought me a chicken burrito, no cheese. Its really at least two meals because I swear its about four shredded chicken breasts wrapped in a flour tortilla. I inhaled it.

But, here's the kicker. About 6:45, Barb and I went to get my friend's medication prescription filled. While it was being filled, we went to Sonic.

A diet strawberry limeade didn't do it for me.

I called Tyler at the pizza place and asked him if they had any MISTAKES. You know, pizzas that were not made like they were ordered, etc.

I parked behind the pizza store and he brought one out to me. It was like making a drug deal.

It WAS a drug deal.

That's what I see now. Spending the day in the hospital with a friend waiting for a biopsy triggers a lot of stuff in me. Fear of loss, fear of sickness, fear about my own health, memories about my cancer experience, feelings about the vital importance of friendship...

I have to remember that I was once the person who couldn't go to the doctor's office with my own son because doctors and hospitals gave me such horrible paralyzing anxiety.

I spent the day in an uncomfortable situation. Not NEARLY as uncomfortable as my friend though. I am so worried about her. And so very grateful for my own health.

But tonight, I ate my feelings again. I DRUGGED my fear and anxiety and tired bottom with a pepperoni pizza that was NOT made to someone's specifications.

But, hell....
you know what?

I'm OK with it. It's not the end of the world.

My friendships are so worth it. My friends are so worth it.

And the primary emotion I feel right now is gratitude.

But I really wish I had my laptop,


Sunday, January 8, 2012

I May Not Be Getting Skinnier But I'm Getting Younger

I just discovered that you can go back two years on the new Facebook timeline.

And I discovered that, though still fat, I HAVE gotten younger.
And strangely, my boobs have actually migrated more toward the middle of my chest rather than sitting under my armpits.

And blonds do not have more fun.

Barb and I should not do that do my hair again.

New Experiences

My first weekend as a person living alone has been fun, obsessive, organized, and filled with new experiences.

* I had Saturday lunch with Gay where I ate consciously - good Texas chili and a salad.
* I spent the afternoon with Kara, Becky, and Cindy.
* Last night was my work post-holiday party at my boss' house. It was great fun spending time with my co-workers away from middle-school students. There was AMAZING food. I stayed away from the dessert table and the chocolate fondue but I did go to the buffet table twice for shrimp, turkey, ham, meatballs, cheese, and fried pickles! I also had a new caloric experience there (see below).
* I spent part of this afternoon with my friend, Jen, while holding her three-week-old daughter. I love playing adopted grandmother!

* I stayed up until 2am looking at crafts and DIY projects on Pinterest. I know that I need to fill the gap left from Tyler and Nina moving with something other than compulsive overeating.

And, no. I don't want to spend my time just thinking about doing things in the future. I want to decide on a craft project and get started on it this week.

1. Making kitchen magnets out of my mother's old brooches.
2. Painting my stairs (refinishing the actual steps first).
3. Making picture earrings. I have a pair of earring with the picture of three women (from maybe the 1940's) on them. People always say, "Is that a picture of your relatives?" And I have to say, "No, just a pic of some random person's relatives." I'd like to be able to say "Yes, it's a picture of my mom and her sisters from the '40's." Wouldn't that be cool? To wear your aunts in your ears?
4. Making blankets for the kids out of their old t-shirts. After someone teaches me how to sew and I get a sewing machine.
5. Refinishing my grandmother's wooden rocker that I moved to my house from my storage locker last week. And spray painting it? Hmmmm. I just know I want it in a cool color with some stencil work.
6. Framing my thermostat.
7. Making bracelets.

OK. I told you I got obsessive.

Come on, Jilli. I know you have an opinion about which one I should do. I'm thinking refinishing my grandma's rocker and making kitchen magnets out of mom's brooches.

I'm being so damn organized living by myself that I'm about to drive myself crazy!!! I'm washing each dish right after I use it, I already have my lunch for tomorrow packed, I PULLED WEEDS in my front yard day - with snow on the ground....... Ugh! I will start pulling my hair if I keep up this level of organization! It's so................................unlike me!

OK. I saved the best for last.
* Yesterday morning, I volunteered at the community theater for the first time. Getting involved in this small community theater is something that I've wanted to do SINCE I MOVED HERE! 28 YEARS AGO!!

I had committed to showing up tomorrow for the first rehearsal of the play, The Giver. I had been asked to be in charge of supervising the child actors and helping keep them on task.

Yesterday morning, I was dreading it and thinking "WHY did I say I'd do this? It's just another fly-by-night idea that I flitted on like the ADHD Gemini that I am!"

But, I walked into the theater and the first person I saw was a friend who I would always like to spend more time with, but never do. She also writes a really great blog, http://bsstings.blogspot.com.

It felt like a sign to see B there.

I had so much fun. I felt at home there. I'm grateful for the opportunity and very excited about being involved!

My other new experience? Well, it's a little lower on the value pole.

* At the party last night, I had Peach Schnapps. How can a shot of anything taste soooo good? And pack so many calories!

I'm beginning this week at 220.5.

Tomorrow, I'm taking my workout clothes to work and going straight to the gym after work. My goal this week is to make it to the gym or the swimming pool four afternoons.

Thanks for listening and helping me be accountable.
Love you guys,

Friday, January 6, 2012

Pensive About Bovine Hyperboles

Hah! Not really....

I am feeling pensive. But before I typed that, I googled "pensive" to make sure I knew what it meant. I'm not trusting my understanding of the English language recently. It's not my first language, you know. My first language is Texan.

But, I truly did look up "pensive" because, in the last week, I have publicly said that bovine had to do with pigs and I have embarrassingly pronounced hyperbole with three syllables!

I really don't trust myself.

The definition of "pensive" is
expressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness

I am not a pensive person. I don't like it. I'd rather be doing, being, talking, eating, driving, laughing, sleeping, reading, facebooking, blogging, peeing, watching - any "ing" word - than pensive.

Pensive is sad. It reminds me of my childhood. It reminds me of loneliness.

But, I am taking care of myself. I've been to Subway and now it's 7pm and the dogs and I are in bed with the computer, a book, the tv, and two dog toys. On a FRIDAY NIGHT. (eyeroll)
Mo and Rocky the Raccoon.

Last night's Bloody Marys/salsa/beans/flour tortilla made me...




...this morning.

Yep, but blogging (and your supportive comments) helped me stay out of the "Well, Screw It" place. Thank you.

223.5 makes me pensive. The fact that, for people who are or have been obese, the risk of gaining is always R.I.G.H.T. T.H.E.R.E.

Vigilance is so important. And that goes against my natural state of unconscious oblivion. Talk about the need for relearning and retraining.....

There are other things that are adding to my pensiveness.

As many of you know, I am an on-again/off-again empty nester. My son moved out again during the holidays and my daughter left for her second semester of college today.

I am alone. A state that many of you crave. I hate it.

But, at fifty-seven, I'm learning how to do it. I'm learning that it doesn't have to be scary like it felt as a child. I'm relearning the fact that, if I'm lonely, I can reach out to someone who has got worse problems that me.

It's ME, because of my history, that uses the words alone and lonely interchangeably. That's not how they are in the dictionary. Believe me, I checked.

But, what is an extroverted, divorced, single parent, noncrafty, empty nester, financially INsecure, overweight, not into man-chasing, small town woman to do if she gets 99% of her emotional needs met through being out and about with people???

She blogs....
She visits her friend in the hospital....
She volunteers for the community theater....
She reads....
She facebooks....
She watches Sons Of Anarchy and Grey's Anatomy....
She texts her friends....
She learns....
She survives....
She grows up....
She thrives....

I can do it. I AM doing it.

And, you know, I STILL say only three syllables in my head when I look at the word hyperbole....

Thursday, January 5, 2012

O.H. M.Y. G.O.D! I messed up SO BAD!


I feel shame, shame, shame. But I have to blog about it before the "Well, Screw It" attitude sets in.

This morning, I was 217.5.

The lowest in a long time.

Here's the timeline of today:

* Stressful first day back at school.

* 5:15 -- Met friends for Happy Hour. Nina and Donna weren't supposed to show up at the restaurant until 7:45 for dinner.

* 5:30-6:45 -- Two and a half Bloody Marys on a fairly empty stomach. Also, copious amounts of salsa with a spoon.

* 6:45 -- Had to eat SOMEONE ELSE'S taco because I was starving and woozy! And this is how I ate it: I ate the insides first (beef, lettuce, cheese, etc) - like a good girl. THEN, I ate the shell by itself. :-(

* 7:45 -- Nina and Donna finally showed up at the restaurant. I ate a bowl of beans (okay) and one of Donna's tortillas. First flour tortilla I've had since September. And some chips.

Now I'm home and feel all salted out. I've had more sodium in the last four hours than in the last month. I feel like I'm swelling up as I sit here.

I have to prepare myself for not flipping out when I get on the scale tomorrow.

It will be okay.

Today is Nina's last day home before she returns to college tomorrow. I'm reacting. I ate it.

I feel so out of control.

I just need to stay out of the "Well, Screw It" blues. That's what gets me every time. Historically, when I say "Well, Screw It", I stay in that place for months. Or years.

Tell me it will be okay.


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Disgustingly, Embarrassingly GROSS! But Better.....

As I ponder this subject I'm about to blog about, I question whether or not I'm going to have any boundaries. Sigh.......

Because its embarrassing.

Oh, hell...... In the interest of accountability and transparency and just being myself, here goes.

At the beginning of last August, Shawnna and I measured ourselves while I was visiting her in Dallas.

Then, I measured today.

So here they are. First of August, and today.

August - 54
Today - 51.5

August - 52
Today - 47

Belly at widest part (where bellybutton is)

August - 54
Today - 50

August - 52
Today - 46

Under boobs (you know what I mean)
August - 46
Today - 41

Upper arm
August - 16
Today - 14

August - 28
Today - 26

August - 17.5
Today - 17.5

August - 11
Today - 10.5

August - 17.5
Today - 16

There. It's out there.

It's not like you didn't know I was fat. Right?

This motivates me to start exercising. If I can lose inches with just being conscious of what I'm eating and trying to not feed my feelings, it's exciting to think about what I can do with exercise!

Oh, and one more measurement.

Not a common one.

We measured the length from clavicle to nipple. (ohshitwhyamitellingTHIS?)

Mine was 14 inches.

Too old.
Too many bra-less years in the '70's.

That one stayed the same. At least it didn't get longer!

Love and kisses,
Jenny Red-Face
(But not enough to keep my mouth shut)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I Went Shopping! (In My Other Closet!)

This is a closet in my newly named "sewing room". Until last week, it was my son's room and there was no way to get in there.

This is where I keep my too little clothes. Not the ones from 140 pounds, 150 pounds, 160 pounds, 170 pounds, 180 pounds, 190 pounds....... those are long gone. These are clothes that I could wear at between 200 pounds and 220 pounds.

I went shopping there this morning!!!!
I haven't been able to wear any of these clothes for at least the last five years. I can't wear them all now.

But I can wear some.

Well, I can wear the only one I tried on! And I'm sure that there are others that fit, too.

OK. So they may be out of style. But, whoever said I was stylish??

And here's something else exciting!

MY BRA IS WRINKLY!!!!! Not my boobs..... they already were.

But MY BRA! I think this means that it's gotten too big!

There are other places I would have preferred to lose, but beggars can't be choosers.

Ya know?

Monday, January 2, 2012

2012 Superfood Challenge by Escape From Obesity

Superfood to eat this week is brocolli and it's sidekicks cauliflower, brussel sprouts, kale, and turnips. The challenge is to eat these food at least three times per week.

More information is on Escape From Obesity's blog. You can link to her blog from mine.

Check it out! We're going to get HEALTHY!

Happy Second Day of 2012!

I have been purging today.

Not throwing up. I've never felt that desperate to lose weight. I know that people who binge and purge fight a hard, hard battle all the time. My heart goes out to them.

But those of us who just binge, sometimes wistfully wish that we were thrower-upers.

But that isn't how I've been purging. I've been making my kitchen more user-friendly. That means cleaning to the point that I can now open my kitchen cabinet doors without pretend Tupperware lids, plastic bags, various pieces of forgotten kitchen equipment, plastic pitchers, a half a bottle of vodka, and numerous tea bags cascading to the kitchen floor into a heap.

This is what I purged today:
* 47 lids of pretend Tupperware that had lost their containers
* a gingerbread man muffin/cupcake/cookie pan (I don't even know what to call it!)

Someone guess when the last time I made gingerbread men shaped muffins was. If you guessed NEVER, you are a weener!

* 2 large plastic pitchers that were IDENTICAL to a 3rd one (which I kept)
* 7 lids to travel coffee cups that had lost their cups
* 2 travel coffee cups that had lost their lids and, of course, didn't fit any of the lids I had
* 2 pots and 1 frying pan that I never ever use
* plastic popcorn holders that look like the bags you get at the movies that I thought were so cute when I bought them, but have never used
* 6 little juice glasses (I never have been able to see the purpose of little glasses.)
* cheap Mexican pottery that my mother bought in Juarez in 1958
* unknown kitchen utensils - little pointy things, chop sticks, more little pointy things
* an expresso maker, along with expresso cups and saucers
* a Weight Watcher food scale - never used - never will be used
* a broken Sun Tea jar that no longer works
* 3 two-piece sets of salad tongs that one gets when one orders a family salad from Dion's
* a warming plate from the 1950's
* a toaster
* coffee cups that have lost their importance to me
* a "Precious Moments" casserole dish with lid. Not sure how I ended up with this. I've never been a "Precioua Moments" collector. And, I've never been a casserole maker.

If you collect Precious Moments - or know someone who does.........I'd love to give this to someone who might appreciate it.

After making the kitchen more manageable, more user-friendly, and less clutterly, I moved on to Tyler's room.......


......instead of purging, I hoarded.

What do you do when your 25-year-old moves out and leaves his room a disaster area. Nina and I hauled the dresser, box springs, and metal bed frame outside - hopefully to be taken away by a Freecycle member looking for just what we have. Or maybe a thief will unknowingly help me by carting this stuff off.

Tyler's "stuff" - clothes (that he chose not to move to his new house but would react to if I tried to thrown them away), his books, his sad, little collection of strange Tylerthings - I bagged up and put in one closet.

And, throughout the day, here are the list of the things that I happily discovered that I owned:
* two sizes of juice pitchers
* a vegetsble/rice steamer
* a blender
* a food processer
* a Lean Mean Grilling Machine
* an air popcorn popper
* a sandwich maker
* an icecream maker
* a melon baller
* a wok

I cleaned my "bakers' shelves" and brought all the kitchen equipment that I want to use out of the dark dungeon-y cabinets and placed them in the light. I'll be much more likely to use them there.

The "bakers' shelves" are now holding:
* my Lean Green Grilling Machine, (was used only once before it got sent to the cabinet of lost kitchen things)
* my air popper for making air popped corn
* my Sandwich Maker that I have never used, but I like the idea of it
* my Texas-shaped waffle maker (used twice) but MUST STAY IN THE LIMELIGHT BECAUSE I.T. I.S. J.U.S.T. S.O. C.U.T.E
* my coffee pot..........I don't want coffee but other people do and I must have a coffee pot to keep up my pretense of being a grown-up

In my refrigerator and pantry, I also did big time purging.

* First, I obsessively threw away any bottle or can with a past-due date
* I set aside the orange juice and the mini cream puffs to send home with Tyler
* I purged two large Boy Scout boxes of popcorn
* Hot chocolate, hot tea, fruit juice punch mix
* 2 huge jars of peanut butter (I kept the third)
* cream of potato soup, chicken noodle soup, and other soups that I won't eat.

I have two more days before I return to work. I want to keep purging what needs to be purged and hoarding what needs to be hoarded.

I want to get my Christmas tree down and everything put away for next year.

I want to purge in my bedroom - jewelry I no longer want, shirts that have gotten too big, purses and shoes that just take up closet space.

I keep thinking of the name of my George Foreman grill. I want to be a LEAN, MEAN, GRILLING MACHINE, too.
"Lean" in both body style and "belongings" style. I want to simplify. I want to surround myself by the things I want to be surrounded by - and not the clutter, the clothes that don't fit, the clothes that fit but that I just won't wear, the jewelry that I've outgrown, the materialistic noise.
"Mean" means I want to have boundaries with food - even when it is offered to me by people I don't want to say 'no' to. I want my M.E.A.N. to be based in a strong belief that nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
"Grilling" is what I want to do. I want to cook lean, cook thin, eat lean, eat thin. Grilling is a tool that I must use!
"Machine" is what I want to be. Organized, in control of myself, boundary bound, physically active, physically motivated, physically obsessed. A machine, you know?

When I look at my house, my life - I realize that I have a lot of stuff that I really just don't like. Maybe that's too harsh. I have a lot of stuff that I just don't care about. It's not important to me. And it crowds me and distracts me from the things I have that give me joy to look at and joy to touch.

Anyway, this is where I am now. This morning, I weighed 220. One pound higher than my lowest weight before Christmas.

And I must tell you how AMAZING WONDERFUL it felt today to stand up in the chairs to reach high things and to sit on the floor to clean out the lower cabinets! No knee pain! The ability to pull myself up. And get myself down. The ability to work hard from 1:00 to 8:00 without tiring.

Losing weight feels good.