I don't even have my laptop. I'm having to blog from my phone. I feel discombobulated and I can't even google to make sure that's spelled correctly.
This morning, I left work to take a friend of mine to the hospital for a breast biopsy. Its important for me to be able to do that because, when I had cancer, it was ONLY with the help of my friends that I got through it.
I went to work, rearranged all my clients, ate a small bag of pretzels for breakfast (my first mistake), left my carefully packed lunch and my laptop on my desk - and left to get my friend to the hospital by 10. Her surgery was scheduled for noon.
I told my boss that I'd be back by 1:45. I was obviously living in some alternative reality.
After anxiously laying in a pre-op bed for SIX hours, they finally came and got my friend at 4pm. I was frustrated for her, worried about her, tired of sitting on my butt in a hard chair, and HUNGRY!
And there was no way that I would have eaten even if I'd HAD food because my friend was hungry, too, and she COULDN'T eat.
So things were getting dicey on the diet front, you know?
At 5:00, Becky (bless her heart) brought me a chicken burrito, no cheese. Its really at least two meals because I swear its about four shredded chicken breasts wrapped in a flour tortilla. I inhaled it.
But, here's the kicker. About 6:45, Barb and I went to get my friend's medication prescription filled. While it was being filled, we went to Sonic.
A diet strawberry limeade didn't do it for me.
I called Tyler at the pizza place and asked him if they had any MISTAKES. You know, pizzas that were not made like they were ordered, etc.
I parked behind the pizza store and he brought one out to me. It was like making a drug deal.
It WAS a drug deal.
That's what I see now. Spending the day in the hospital with a friend waiting for a biopsy triggers a lot of stuff in me. Fear of loss, fear of sickness, fear about my own health, memories about my cancer experience, feelings about the vital importance of friendship...
I have to remember that I was once the person who couldn't go to the doctor's office with my own son because doctors and hospitals gave me such horrible paralyzing anxiety.
I spent the day in an uncomfortable situation. Not NEARLY as uncomfortable as my friend though. I am so worried about her. And so very grateful for my own health.
But tonight, I ate my feelings again. I DRUGGED my fear and anxiety and tired bottom with a pepperoni pizza that was NOT made to someone's specifications.
you know what?
I'm OK with it. It's not the end of the world.
My friendships are so worth it. My friends are so worth it.
And the primary emotion I feel right now is gratitude.
But I really wish I had my laptop,