Friday, February 24, 2012

Making Weekend PLANS Against My Will

I don't wanna make weekend plans.... (whineeeee.....)
I just want to play my eating by ear....... (sigh....)
I want to be spontaneous....... (pout.....)
I wanna be surprised by what I put in my mouth....... (OMeffingG!)

Those really are the thoughts going through my mind. It's immaturewhinycrybabylovestohavefunlet'sgetitON me trying to trick tryingtobeeffingmatureandskinnyandthehatedwordresponsible me.

But this morning, I was NOT 211 pounds. Even after a day of no cheating. The cheating from earlier in the week is catching up with me.

I need to remember that, as an overweight person, I can't get by with cheating. I can't think "oh, this little bit won't matter". I can't be lax.

I've already tried that. I never meant to get this big. It was through all the "cheating", all the "little bits that don't matter", all the closing my eyes to what was going into my mouth.

I HAVE to eat each day with EYES WIDE OPEN.

That doesn't mean that I can't have a cupcake. That doesn't mean I can't have wine.

But, I need to make sure that every thing I put in my mouth is by CONSCIOUS CHOICE.


I used to be a Rotarian. Don't laugh.

One of the things I love about Rotary Club is the Four-Way Test. It teaches to ask the following questions in all that we think, say or do …
Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

To borrow from Rotary....
Before I put any food in my mouth, I need to ask myself four questions:
Do I really want this?
Is eating/drinking this going to make me happy with myself or mad at myself?
Is this worth it?
Can I put this off and have it some other time?

The last question is because I have the awareness that sometimes, I stuff huge portions of food that I shouldn't eat into my mouth because I don't think I'll ever get the chance to again.

Where in the hell does that come from?
It sounds like the thoughts of a malnourished, famished child in a Third World country.

Now, I try to remind myself that there will still be cheese enchiladas around next week, next month, next year. I can make the choice to eat them in the future. It's not my last chance.

So, this weekend.

Tonight, I'm working at the theater so I'm going to my safe place, Subway.
Tomorrow, I'm working at the theater so I'm going to my safe place, Subway.
Tomorrow evening, I'm going to a party at Scott's house. There will be food. There will be his home brewed beer. (That I can stay away from.) There will be wine.

I just need to remember EYES WIDE OPEN.

I just need to remember MY CONSCIOUS CHOICE.

I just made a sign to go in my purse where my lipstick is (because you know how frequently I reach in there). It's my Four Questions.

And the other side of the card is P.E.R.F.E.C.T.
Even the elephant.

Love you.

1 comment:

  1. Deprivation doesn't work, consciousness does. Your new physique is proof of that!