Thursday, March 29, 2012


Busy crazy day.  I'm at lunch now - only an hour and twenty-five minutes left before the beginning of Spring Break!

I am being attacked by these Cheetos.

 They have been quietly living in my filing cabinet for the last month and they chose TODAY to come out and attack me full force!!

I wasn't well prepared.

* I had no breakfast.  Well, a venti Skinny Vanilla Latte but no protein.  Caffeine without protein  - no bueno.
* I worked through the 7th and 8th grade lunches helping with the school store IN THE
CAFETERIA!  I had to look at mashed potatoes and pizza and pudding and rice krispie treats and breakfast burritos and barbeque sandwiches.  I finally had a mini banana.  It really was so small that the cafeteria guy didn't even charge me for it.
* I made it back to my office where a Sonic grilled chicken sandwich awaited me.  (Thank Goodness!)

But, as I was eating it, the Cheetos decided to descend upon me with a vengeance.  I don't even know how they got out of the filing cabinet.

Oh, poop.... I've got to be honest.  First, I kind of counted out twenty potato chips.  ("Kind of" because I had to make sure that I added more to cover the broken potato chip pieces.)  Then I spied the Cheetos bag hiding under the potato chips in the filing cabinet.  I ambushed them.  I dipped them in my little BBQ sauce packets.  Then, when they were gone, I used MY FINGER to get the rest of the BBQ sauce out.

Out of control.

Thank God it's Spring Break.

Guilty Jenn - loser in the March 29, 2012 Hunger Games.

P.S.  MIDDLE SCHOOLERS had been sticking their hands in that Cheeto bag!  Now that is just GROSS!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Not Drinking Wine, So Having A Little Whine

I do not like it when my friends are hurting. I do not like it when I haven't gotten the results of my pap smear. I do not like it when my bathroom light bulb is out. I do not like the fact that my dog and cat are so old that I worry that I'm going to find them dead when I come home from work. I do not like my Internet being broken. I do not like finding a black widow in my bathroom and smushing it with toilet paper then not being able to find it in the toilet paper wad. And it being too dark in the bathroom to really see because the light bulb went out. I do not like it when I know I have to be to work tomorrow by 7! I do not like it when I emotionally eat. I do not li...... Oh, wait! I can hear my mother calling me. No! Actually it's a chorus made up of Irene Branch, Carol Jean Schoenrock, Karen Petersen, and Joe Fortenberry saying.... YOU NEED TO MAKE A GRATITUDE LIST!!!!! OK. I'm grateful that God is working in my friends' lives even if it doesn't feel like it. I'm grateful for my friends. I'm grateful that Dr. Finklestein said "everything looks and feels 100% normal". I'm grateful for my ability to laugh. I'm grateful for 2nd and 5th and 3,784,536th chances. I'm grateful for my iPhone. I'm grateful that, today, my dog and cat were alive when I got home. I'm grateful for my wonderful children. I'm grateful for 207. I'm grateful for inner voices of my mom and Carol Jean and Karen and Joe and all the people who give me guidance and walk with me and help me live my life. Thanks for listening to me. I feel better. Love you, Jenn

Monday, March 26, 2012

Things Never Change. But This Time They're Going To.

Wow. I just accessed a blog that I wrote in August of 2008. I only posted on it for two days. Here's what I wrote the first day:
I can't stand myself any longer. Or, to correct that, I can't stand the fact that I am putting up with myself at this weight. I just keep eating. Today, I started back on Weight Watchers. It's not that I wanted to. In fact, I wanted to go out to eat for lunch or breakfast. Having no money actually worked for me today. This morning, I weighed 249 pounds. My affirmation for today is "I am now ready to release the need in me that has created this condition." My only goal for today is to make it through today without eating unconsciously - without thought, without care about what I'm doing (my usual "just fuck it" eating). Maybe Subway for dinner?
When I read that, I'm aware of the following:
1. I carried the knowledge that I eat "unconsciously" for a long time before I did anything about it.
2. I've been eating the same dinner at Subway for four years.
3. I was saying "fuck" in 2008, too.
4. I lost F.I.V.E. pounds in the three years between August 2008 and September 2011. Only five.

In that time period, I also lost one of my best friends to cancer, I had cancer, Nina graduated high school and moved out, Tyler moved in/moved out/moved in/moved out, my ex-husband remarried, I bought a new car, I started getting my part of Charlie's retirement, my dog Daisy died, my close friend lost her son, I changed jobs, and Obama got elected.  

But NOTHING changed in how I ate, where I ate, how much I ate, what my attitude was about eating, or how many pounds I weighed. 

Here is the second (and last) post on that blog:
I did good last night. Nina and I went to Subway. It was great. Today, some of us from work went to Hill Diner. I ate the super bowl of chili. Forgot to ask for the cheese to be off. Put ketchup in it. I have no idea how many calories it was. I put down 18 on the ww thing. The good thing is that I ate a little over half of it at lunch (noon) and brought the rest back to work. I was able to stop when I felt full. However, I ate the rest at 4:00 this afternoon. Goal is not to eat anything but fruit or veggies for dinner. We don't have anything fresh at home. Maybe I'll eat a can of asparagus. OK, I've got to plan something. Just don't know what yet. OK. I'll send Nina to the grocery store for a bag of salad and a nectarine. And some Italian dressing. I can put a string cheese in it. And I can drink a v8 juice. I'm going to go ahead and put that in my ww planner.Now, tomorrow is the first day of real work. We've got to be at a breakfast meeting at 7:45. I know that I will eat a breakfast burrito so I will plan on it. There will also be fruit. I am now willing to release the need in me that has created this extra 100 pounds.

 Again, nothing has really changed in my eating pattern.  I still order the same chili at Hill Diner! 

I wrote that post the day before the school year started in 2008.  The "first day of real work" is always a district-wide morning meeting that begins with a breakfast.  Of course, the breakfast is optional but I've NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER missed it.  I remember that morning.  I didn't eat just one burrito - I ate two.  And I got back on my merry-go-round of compulsive eating and self-hate.

I obviously wasn't "willing to release the need in me that has created this extra 100 pounds".

What changed?  I really don't know.  I now weigh 42 pounds less than I did that day in August 2008.

I think it was just the grace of God.

Grateful Jenny

P.S.  One change since 2008 - I obviously had no sense of humor back then!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

207~ Our Visit Was So Brief, Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow, Boy Did I Ever Fuck Up, and All That Shit

I was 207. FOR A DAY. ;-( In the past, 207 has been like a trampoline to me. I touch 207 and BOOIINNGGG!, I go right back up. Thursday, the day I was 207, I went out and had talapia, a baked potato with lots of ketchup, buttery vegetables, a few chips, and four bowls of salsa. The next day (yesterday), I went out and had four beers mixed with V8 juice, a copious amount of chips, four bowls of salsa, the world's greasiest steak tacos, and ketchup. This morning, I weighed 211.5 and felt like I had so much sodium in my body I could probably shake salt out of all my body orifices. I closely watched what went in my body today. I've only drank water and unsweetened iced tea. I've eaten a Subway turkey sandwich and chips, a Sonic grilled chicken sandwich without mayo, a half a bag of apple slices, and nearly a whole bag of sugar snap peas. I had an awareness of how my difficulty dealing with disappointment (princessism at it's finest) risks my healthy eating. I had a big idea of moving my kitchen door to the dining room and my dining room door to the kitchen. Without going into detail, let me just say that exchanging those two doors would brighten up my dining room, keep my kitchen floor cleaner, make better use of my back patio, and make an expensive yard renovation unnecessary. I was so excited about moving the doors and (of course) wanted to move them NOW. So Nina and I got our tools out, we got the hinges undone and awkwardly carried the doors to their new doorways. Then we realized that the hinges didn't line up correctly and it was going to mean somehow getting the hinge hardware off the doors and the doorjambs. Even that didn't stop us. We went to the hardware store and got hinges - not realizing until we got home that we had only gotten one hinge per door. At that point in time, we realized we'd also need new door knobs and weather striping. After much very un-pretty princess pouting about not getting what-I-want-when-I-want-it, Nina and I moved the heavy doors back where they belonged and reinserted the hinge pins. I was bummed. Then, I had Nina spent over 45 minutes with SuddenLink Internet Services trying to get our new and improved internet to work. The end result was me being unable to take off work for them to come fix it, so us telling SuddenLink "never mind", we'd probably go back to Comcast. (Another disappointment.) I cheered myself up by thinking about going out to dinner, enjoying a relaxing meal before going to the movie, but alas, the two restaurants we wanted to eat at were closed, leaving us with high fat, fast food choices. That's how we ended up at Sonic for dinner. I wanted a footlong chili cheese coney, fries, sweet potato tots, a strawberry shake, and a Oreo Sonic Blast. I wanted to binge. I wanted to feed my disappointment. By the Grace of God, I remembered that when I feed the physical hunger - even with healthy food, I find relief. And that's what happened - the dry grilled chicken sandwich soothed the physical and emotional hunger. Thank God. Then, I had the emotional energy to go to the grocery store and get apple slices and fresh sugar snap peas to eat at the movie. Nina and I had a wonderful evening secretively eating apples and peas while watching the Hunger Games. Emotional food binge avoided. And two new thoughts that I hope turn into commitments. I think I should stay away from sodas and alcohol until I get below 200. OK. DING! I made it into a commitment.
No Alcohol. No Soda. Until 199 or below.
I can do that. Love, Imperfect and fuck-up, but with renewed dedication, Jenny

Thursday, March 22, 2012

207! And That's Without Throwing Up!

This morning I weighed 207! That's the least amount I've weighed in YEARS except for week before last when I had stomach flu!!

This one counts!

And today, I'm wearing a t-shirt that is XL and I didn't have to pull it down over my knees to stretch it out over the belly.


Tonight, I'm meeting friends for dinner so I'm already planning how to handle it. I will order tilapia (dry) with habanero sauce and a baked potato with salsa. The tilapia will be twice the size as a deck of cards.

Will I only eat half?

Nah. Just because I blogged yesterday about needing to learn to say no and only eat half doesn't mean I'm ready to work on it. I'll also have a couple of glasses of white wine.

Can I really be below 200 by the time school is out of May 25th?


It will be the first time I've weighed under 200 in over 20 years~

I'm excited!

Alittlebitrebelliousbutlovinglife Jenny

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Portion Distortion, Autism, and Self-Will Run Riot

I started this particular post over a week ago but, as I've said, the idea of portion control makes me want to bury my head in the sand.
But that in itself means..... it's time to dig it up and show you all!


I've decided that I need to address something that I've really been putting off -

Portion Control.

This is one of the most difficult hurdles in my weight loss journey.

Things I've Learned:
I've recognized that I, personally, do better when I don't eat between meals.
I know that I need to give up sweets as much as possible.
I've learned that I can substitute healthy food for unhealthy food and not miss the unhealthy choices.
I've accepted that I need to increase exercise.

But..... the eating less of things that I've decided in my head are OK to eat?
I'm not doing so good in that area.

I can remember my mom constantly telling me "Your eyes are bigger than your stomach." How I resented that! And I think that I've told you that her solution to my eyes being bigger than my stomach was to make me eat everything that I put on my plate even if I put more on it than I could comfortably eat.

I don't think that helped me in the long run.

It just taught me to make my tummy bigger so all the stuff I wanted would fit into it!

I am plagued with portion distortion!

I worked with an autistic child who used "visual cues" - laminated paper reminders for him to look at when things got so noisy in his head that he could no longer hear. When he would start having a melt down because of too much external and internal stimulation, I would show him a card that would say "shhhhhh" or "take a deep breath".

This would work as long as this child chose for it to work. If taking a deep breath or relaxing was not on his agenda at the time, he would just close his eyes when I showed him the visual cues.

I am a visual person. I've made signs and put in my car for me to read before I go into restaurants. I've made signs and put them in my purse to remind me of my goals. But sometimes I, too, just close my eyes.....

Some recent examples:
I know a meat serving is supposed to be about the size of a deck of cards. Well, you'd think that I play cards with JUMBO-sized clown cards like this -
The other day I ate two chicken breasts that were each about the size of the jumbo cards shown above. I had this big long justification that I told myself (and anyone who happened to walk by me while I was eating) about the fact that both chicken breasts were leftovers and they would go bad if I waited another day to eat them so I needed to eat them both now.....

My reasoning made about as much sense as if I'd said that I had to eat both chicken breasts because I felt sorry for the one that would get left out so, in order to not hurt either breast's feelings, I needed to eat them both.

It was probably about 18 ounces of a chicken that I stuffed into my mouth! I know that chicken is not bad for you but................................. MODERATION!

I've always had issues with that word. My mother used to say,
"Jenny, moderate your voice."
"Jenny, anything is OK in moderation." says moderation means the "quality of being moderate; restraint; avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance".

HA! Hilarious! After typing that, I realized that my mom said MODULATE your voice.

Modulate - "to regulate by or adjust to a certain measure or proportion; soften; tone down".

Heehee! And I've held a powerful resentment against the word MODERATE for fifty years! Sorry, word!

But, see? See how I stray from looking at portion control? I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about now!


The chicken breasts were just one example of how I distort portions and lie to myself about it. Today at lunch, I ate a big bowl of bean soup that I brought from home. It was a meal. But..... I also ate a plate of cheese, chips, sweet peppers, and salsa that I found in the teacher's lounge. It was a meal, too.

Even I can do that math and realize that I ate what, for many people, would be two meals.

A cool blogger named Kelli at shared some wonderful visuals to help with portion control. She shared it in the form of a pdf file so I printed them out and -- you got it -- am carrying them in my purse.
I think just the act of cutting them out was helpful. And, once again, it was an eye-opener about my perception of portions versus reality.

But, I am aware that my perception of portions has been, in part, influenced by the restaurants I eat at. I actually pulled the the meat visual guide out of my purse the other day in a restaurant and compared it to the piece of tilapia on my plate. My tilapia was at least THREE TIMES AS BIG as the 3oz meat guide!!

And, unfortunately, that brings up another healthy eating behavior that I have NOT learned - the ability to only eat a part of what's in front of me.

That's where the "self-will run riot" comes in. I've loved that phrase from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous since I first heard it as a teenager. I've always known that self-will is the basis of my problems with eating. And, I guess, with all problem areas in my life. I have a lot of other words for self-will. Some are much prettier and more gentle and actually blame other people. I call it "being a princess".....
and "only child"....
and "poor little Jenny whose daddy died".....

And then, of course, there's the words like narcissistic and self-centered and hedonistic. (Those aren't pretty.)

But, I think the term "self-will run riot" pretty much hits the nail on the head. And, for the sake of time and energy and my last dregs of sanity, I'm just going to remind myself that I need to learn to tell me "NO".

NO to the second plate.
NO to another helping.
NO to the whole thing.

As YES to more energy....
more pride.....
better health....
size 16 jeans.

Another hurdle. Another blog post.

Love you,

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Panties And Other Ponderings

After a weekend of eating, I had two "aha" moments. One was a significant moment of intellectual awareness, the other was more like a Jennyland brain fart.
The fart first.....

I've been disappointed for days now that I can't button or zip the size 16 jeans that Barb gave me. On my way home from Albuquerque tonight, I had the brilliant idea that the problem was the fact that I tried them on while wearing cotton panties rather than silky panties. So, immediately when I got home - even before feeding the dogs - I rushed upstairs and took off my capris and cotton panties and put on silky panties. (Don't worry, still grandma-style).

I'm here to tell you that the difference in thickness of silky vs cotton panties is negligible. Unfortunately. I was really hoping that those two inches between the button and the buttonhole would disappear with thinner panties.

So, back to the drawing board of how to get these size 16's on.

My other "aha" moment deserves some more thought. I have eaten more than planned today. (That's one way to put it.) In thinking about all that's gone into my mouth today, I became aware that I only really, really, really liked one thing - the whole wheat toast at breakfast. But that's definitely not all that I've eaten.

Today, into my tummy has gone: cantaloupe, grapes, strawberries, a Denver omelet, ketchup, whole wheat toast, jam, coffee, tea, diet coke, pinto beans, grilled chicken burrito, cheese quesadilla, brisket quesadilla, and salsa. Whew!

But, at breakfast where I made myself eat the fruit before I'd let myself eat any omelet, it was really only the homemade whole-wheat-complete-with-wheat-berries toast that I savored. I would have been happy with just that. And dinner was just basically gross. I only ate a couple of bites of my burrito about which I had serious doubts that the chicken had actually ever been a live bird, before begging Tyler to share his quesadillas with me. The quesadilla was......ok. None of it was anything I ever need to eat again.

What would it be like if I ONLY ATE things that I really, really, really like? I think it would cut out a good three-fourths of what I eat!

I think I'm going to try it tomorrow. Or I'm at least going to try to keep a list of those foods I really (x3) like.

And I'm going to do it while wearing my silky grandma panties to trick y'all into thinking I'm skinnier than I am!

Delusional Jenny

Friday, March 16, 2012

Needing To Blog

I've been blog-tied lately. Like being tongue-tied, I've known what I wanted to say but just couldn't get it out. I actually started a blog on Portion Distortion but it has sat, unfinished, in draft form for days now. Portion Distortion is a big problem for me. I find myself not wanting to look at it and not wanting to change how I do portions. Obviously, that's why I've become blog-tied. So...... I'm not going to go there right now.

I'm actually a big believer in talking about what I don't want to talk about (because obviously, if I didn't need to talk about it, I would be talking about it.) I believe our natural (though dysfunctional) human tendency is to talk around what really needs to be talked about most.

It's the same human tendency that makes my psychotherapy clients spend forty-five minutes of a session talking about how they always fought with their mother because they didn't clean the kitchen good enough and they always felt that their sister got more attention because she excelled in school and their first boyfriend tried to get them to smoke pot.....and in the last five minutes of the session as I'm trying to tie all the threads of their thoughts together....they say, "Oh, and my dad raped me when I was four and made me have sex with him from that time until I was fifteen."

Bam! There it was! What they didn't want to talk about.

So, I always think it's important to talk about what you're sitting on. What you're talking around. It's important to say what you don't want to say. That's usually where the conflict lies. Or the truth lies. The importance.....

I don't want to talk about Portion Distortion. I don't want to have to give up Jennyportions - which happen to be much bigger and better than regular portions.

But.... guess what? This is my blog and I'm fifty-seven! I'm not going to talk about Portion Distortion today! I'm going to wallow in my portions sit on my thoughts about it and save that topic for later!

Besides, we're having a St. Patrick's potluck at work today. I can't blog about portions before a potluck! That would....... that would.... RUIN things!!

Besides..... I have other things I want to tell you about....

* I'm lovinglovingloving Spring here in my town. Now, Spring here is not like Texas-Spring. I talked on the phone last night with my cousin who was sitting out on his front porch after an 80 degrees Texas Spring day while I was huddled under my electric blanket after a sixty degrees New Mexico Spring day. But, it's bright and cloudless and the breeze is gentle. It makes me want to sit outside and sun and walk and be in nature. Jenny-in-nature is a weird concept. Do you consider a community swimming pool "nature"? That's the best kind to me. The other nature - the one with bugs and stickers? That one freaks me out.

* Today I weighed 208. The stomach bug last week definitely got me off the 211 fence but I didn't stay at 205 like I was the day after I was sick. I'm comfortably wearing size 18 jeans now and have been bugging Barb to give me her size 16's. Last night, she gave me two pair. I excitedly put them on and realized that I'm no way close to size 16. I couldn't button them over my stomach - even after laying on the bed and trying to stuff my stomach into the jeans with my hand! But, it's nice having something hanging there on my closet door, looking me in the face, reminding me of what I'm working toward.

* I feel excited about life right now. I feel happy about life 99.9% of the time, but I don't always have a sense of excitement and anticipation. I'm looking forward to Spring Break and possibly going to Texas. I'm looking forward to Memorial Weekend and going to Texas to a family-that-I-don't-belong-to-reunion. I'm looking forward to spending summer at the pool. I'm excited about being involved in the community theater and possibly auditioning for a play. This week, I went to a "reading" of the play that will be performed next fall. Going to the reading and thinking about auditioning for a part is so way out of my comfort zone! It's fun!

* I'm aware that part of my excitement about life right now is that I'M NO LONGER THE FATTEST PERSON I KNOW. Isn't that weird? I feel more normal. Less like I stand out in a weird way. Well, I guess I still stand out in weird way, but not as much in a fat way. I recognize that I'm still fat. Still officially obese. But, I see other people who weigh as much or more than me. I know people that can't wear size 18 jeans.

And this is the first time in years that I haven't seen myself as the fattest (other than my Carol Jean) person that I know.

It's not a fun thing to see yourself standing out as......
"I'm the fattest person I know."
Nah....... not a happy statement.

* Next Tuesday is my regular four-month follow-up appointment for uterine cancer. It will be my two-year anniversary. If this appointment goes well, I can start going to the oncologist every six months rather than every four months. Usually, by now (less than a week before an appointment), I'd be in my own version of a dark, scary forest full of "what if" and "don't kid yourself" and "of course you have cancer" monsters. I'm not there yet. And, I'd really like to not go there. But I'm not sure it's in me to go to a doctor's appointment as a sane adult.

We'll see..............


P.S. Here is my lunch time Jennyportion of baked potato. It's filled with salsa, mushrooms, diced ham, English peas, green chili, and ketchup. And that's some asparagus and bacon salad next to it. Delish!
Do you see why I didn't want to talk about Jennyportions before lunch???

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Willing To Go To Any Length - NOT!

This morning - after major portion distortion yesterday - I was back up to the hated number 211.

I was bummed. But not so bummed that I was willing to go to any length to lose pounds.

I was not willing to have a stomach virus. But, I apparently wasn't very clear about that when sending out the whine-vibes.

Because that's where I am now. After throwing up in my drive-way and my garbage disposal, I'm in bed next to a trashcan, frantically Facebooking and blogging between dry heaving. Pleasant, huh....

You can make me barf but you can't make me turn off my social. Or make me quit blurting out verbal ca-ca.

And, that's the actual purpose of today's blog - to tell you about someone else's blog that Tara Adams told me about. This lady's latest post is the best description of my personality that I've ever come across! Read her post Sisterhood of The Blurt ( Then tell me if you're a card-carrying member of the Sisterhood, too!

Sicko (in more ways than one today)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Reluctantly Blogging From My Phone

Today, I've told myself that I wasn't blogging because my computer is broken, but then I realized that I've blogged from my phone on more than one occasion. So, here I am, reluctantly blogging and subjecting you to my dark, sour, fraidy-cat mood.

It's a little like exposing you to the flu of my soul.

My mouth is shut so I'm not eating. But I'm also not talking much and finding it hard to smile. It's just "a mood" and will pass. Anyone with a lick of sense wouldn't even blog about it. No one has ever accused me of having much sense. Even a lick.

So, forgive my self-indulgence. (Doak, that means you who lovingly reminded me that my blog is self-indulgent.). But, I must say that this kind of self-indulgence is the only thing that's helped me lose more than five pounds in twenty years So, bring it on, baby!!

My mood..... I've been trying to piece it together all day. Why, this mood, this day?

Today is the two year anniversary of my hysterectomy. It's the anniversary of removal of cancerous tissue from my body - though we didn't know it at the time.

Today is my daughter, Elisa's, birthday. But I haven't been good at letting her know how much I love her and I've hurt her feelings.

Today is the 5th of the month and is the 23rd month anniversary of the death of my friend Barb's son. I think of that tragedy on the 5th of every month.

Today I was expecting to receive the letter from my doctor saying my mammogram was normal. I didn't receive it. Of course, I haven't received any bad news about my boob pictures either. But, you know how my mind works.

Today my computer is still broken and I'm having serious Pinterest withdrawal. I tried looking at Pinterest on my phone but it's hard to get off on the food pictures if you're having to squint.

Today I had a little-Jenny-who-lost-her-dad-has-risen-back-to-life-in-the-body-of-big-Jenn-and-is-having-a-hysterical-anxiety-attack-about-the-whereabouts-and-well-being-of-her-son attack. This was based on Tyler not answering his phone when I called EIGHT times while he was driving back from Albuquerque. It's mortifyingly embarrassing to admit that behavior to you but, there you have it. When he finally drove up and announced that he had lost his phone, I basically went comatose from the anxiety leaving my body. I still haven't regained my woomph.

Do you ever feel that vulnerable little child in you? I can tell you mine is alive and well (comparatively) at the moment. All I know to do is embrace her, reassure her that big me will take care of her, and put her to bed with a good book.

Good night. Love from both of us.
Truly-not-Multiple-Personality-Disorder Jenn(y)

P.S. And I refuse to drown these feelings in food.

Thursday, March 1, 2012


Don't read any farther if you have a problem with me mentioning -

pubic hair.

Yes. That's what I said.

I'm going to write a serious blog post about pubic hair. Hair on the pubes. I have a problem. It's not that I don't have any pubic hair. It's not that I have too much.

The problem is that I want to see it. Hmmm, I really should clarify.

I want to see MINE.

I've met many of the little goals that I've had since starting the Blog Diet in September.
I met the goal of being able to sit on the floor and then easily get up off the floor without looking like an inebriated elephant trying to stand up or a turtle who has been helplessly turned over onto his back trying to right himself.
I met the goal of taking a bath and being able to get out of the tub.
Then earlier this week, I met the goal of being able to get out of the bathtub like a normal person rather than having to turn around backwards on my hands and knees with my butt up in the air.

Well, now my goal is to be able to stand up naked as a jay bird, look down, and be able to see my pubic hair. This is obviously not an obvious, well-known goal of the general public but I can guar-en-damn-tee you that I'm not the only fat person with this goal!

Come on, my friends, you closet-pubic-hair-wanna-see-ers! This is your chance to speak up!

See? That wasn't so bad, was it?

Now, if you'd like I can tell you the story of the two weeks I had to wear Charlie's soft cotton briefs and stuff them with Vaseline-soaked cotton balls because I had a horrible rash from shaving mine.

But we don't have to go there.

And are jay birds really naked?