Thursday, March 1, 2012

DON'T READ IF YOU EMBARRASS EASILY OR HAVE GOOD VERBAL BOUNDARIES OR IF YOU DON'T LOOK PREGNANT WHEN YOU AREN'T!

Don't read any farther if you have a problem with me mentioning -


pubic hair.

Yes. That's what I said.

I'm going to write a serious blog post about pubic hair. Hair on the pubes. I have a problem. It's not that I don't have any pubic hair. It's not that I have too much.

The problem is that I want to see it. Hmmm, I really should clarify.

I want to see MINE.

I've met many of the little goals that I've had since starting the Blog Diet in September.
I met the goal of being able to sit on the floor and then easily get up off the floor without looking like an inebriated elephant trying to stand up or a turtle who has been helplessly turned over onto his back trying to right himself.
I met the goal of taking a bath and being able to get out of the tub.
Then earlier this week, I met the goal of being able to get out of the bathtub like a normal person rather than having to turn around backwards on my hands and knees with my butt up in the air.

Well, now my goal is to be able to stand up naked as a jay bird, look down, and be able to see my pubic hair. This is obviously not an obvious, well-known goal of the general public but I can guar-en-damn-tee you that I'm not the only fat person with this goal!

Come on, my friends, you closet-pubic-hair-wanna-see-ers! This is your chance to speak up!


See? That wasn't so bad, was it?

Now, if you'd like I can tell you the story of the two weeks I had to wear Charlie's soft cotton briefs and stuff them with Vaseline-soaked cotton balls because I had a horrible rash from shaving mine.

But we don't have to go there.

And are jay birds really naked?



Love,
No-verbal-filters-Jenny.

12 comments:

  1. OMG.....Jennifer you crack me up! And when you are down we will get you a mirror so you can see your goodies and the pubes. I will be up Sat so I may come by and bring one....I am still laughing...and you know what you will find is that the curtains match the carpet and you will want to dye them or pull out the grey ones.......silly Jennifer! And I need to talk to you anyway....girl stuff. And what is good verbal boundaries? Do I have them?...I need to know...?

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  2. Uh, no Jilli, you don't have them either, girlfriend. That's why I love you. I've got the play at 2 on Saturday but will then be available. Do you want to spend the night?

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  3. i'm almost positive that my inability to see my pubic hair has nothing to do with my weight and more to do with the *ahem* apron (that's what they call it—that saggy tummy skin left over from another person temporarily inhabiting your body) that is now my stomach. i think, in order to see mine, i'd need a tummy tuck—which is actually supposed to be my reward for losing a bunch of weight . . . as soon as willow is done nursing!!! can i tell you how much i am looking forward to May 30? her last official nursing. 4 freaking years!! anyway, the plan is to lose as much as i can before the planned booby job and get it done at the same time. we'll see.

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    1. Halo, I hate the fact that they call this an apron! Sorry guys, aprons are what old ladies like my grandma and my great Aunt Annie and my Aunt Agnes wore.

      I don't know which is more embarrassing to me - having a fat apron or being like an old lady!

      Was just thinking, "I wouldn't be caught dead in an apron!" and then realized that I have one fucking connected to my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?

      But, Halo...... initially I didn't understand your phrase "that's what they call it - that saggy tummy skin left over from another person temporarily inhabiting your body". I wasn't thinking in the terms of pregnancy. I was thinking in the term of aliens. And I thought, "That's it!! There has been an overeating alien inhabiting my body for 25 years and he's finally left!"

      It's weird that I think of my alien as a "he".

      It's weird that I think of an alien at all.

      Sore throat, chills...... Maybe I'm delusional with fever.

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  4. If you can get out of the shower as gracefully as you do now, then you can definitely be able to see "below the belt". :D

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  5. I can totally relate. I can see the carpet (not so much the goodies) but there is some SERIOUS bending and 'adjusting' involved! I have a theory that eventually I'm going to be trying to see something down there that isn't worth the trouble and flip over in a somersault and smack my head on something...have to call an ambulance, the EMT will be H-O-T and I will be naked and trying to explain how this happened in the first place. I think losing weight would just be less embarrassing.

    I have no idea where I stumbled on your blog from, but I'll be back. I too have the "no boundaries" type of writing style on my blog so it's nice to see someone else with the same types of ideas!

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  6. If you ever shave down there, use antiperspirant on the areas you shaved. Prevents bumps and rashes.

    Some of my stripper friends told me about this and it works wonders.

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  7. This is awesome. I came here from Periphery and her blurting post. Ha!

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  8. LOLOLOL - this was a great post!

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  9. I hear ya girl!!! I'm gonna be so happy to get rid of this damn "apron" !!!! I'm gonna start making plans for the surgery soon. I'm still shaving but I only get the shave bumps on the tummy part above the peri area. I don't get rashes anymore and fortunately have no problem in the nether-regions at all. Thankfully, cuz now I've become used to and like having a smoother "lovebox" :)

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  10. OH YEAH, just like someone said above, use the deodorant. I use Dove Ultimate Visibly Smooth it keeps you stubble free for longer over time.

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