Today, I've told myself that I wasn't blogging because my computer is broken, but then I realized that I've blogged from my phone on more than one occasion. So, here I am, reluctantly blogging and subjecting you to my dark, sour, fraidy-cat mood.
It's a little like exposing you to the flu of my soul.
My mouth is shut so I'm not eating. But I'm also not talking much and finding it hard to smile. It's just "a mood" and will pass. Anyone with a lick of sense wouldn't even blog about it. No one has ever accused me of having much sense. Even a lick.
So, forgive my self-indulgence. (Doak, that means you who lovingly reminded me that my blog is self-indulgent.). But, I must say that this kind of self-indulgence is the only thing that's helped me lose more than five pounds in twenty years So, bring it on, baby!!
My mood..... I've been trying to piece it together all day. Why, this mood, this day?
Today is the two year anniversary of my hysterectomy. It's the anniversary of removal of cancerous tissue from my body - though we didn't know it at the time.
Today is my daughter, Elisa's, birthday. But I haven't been good at letting her know how much I love her and I've hurt her feelings.
Today is the 5th of the month and is the 23rd month anniversary of the death of my friend Barb's son. I think of that tragedy on the 5th of every month.
Today I was expecting to receive the letter from my doctor saying my mammogram was normal. I didn't receive it. Of course, I haven't received any bad news about my boob pictures either. But, you know how my mind works.
Today my computer is still broken and I'm having serious Pinterest withdrawal. I tried looking at Pinterest on my phone but it's hard to get off on the food pictures if you're having to squint.
Today I had a little-Jenny-who-lost-her-dad-has-risen-back-to-life-in-the-body-of-big-Jenn-and-is-having-a-hysterical-anxiety-attack-about-the-whereabouts-and-well-being-of-her-son attack. This was based on Tyler not answering his phone when I called EIGHT times while he was driving back from Albuquerque. It's mortifyingly embarrassing to admit that behavior to you but, there you have it. When he finally drove up and announced that he had lost his phone, I basically went comatose from the anxiety leaving my body. I still haven't regained my woomph.
Do you ever feel that vulnerable little child in you? I can tell you mine is alive and well (comparatively) at the moment. All I know to do is embrace her, reassure her that big me will take care of her, and put her to bed with a good book.
Good night. Love from both of us.
P.S. And I refuse to drown these feelings in food.