Monday, March 26, 2012

Things Never Change. But This Time They're Going To.

Wow. I just accessed a blog that I wrote in August of 2008. I only posted on it for two days. Here's what I wrote the first day:
I can't stand myself any longer. Or, to correct that, I can't stand the fact that I am putting up with myself at this weight. I just keep eating. Today, I started back on Weight Watchers. It's not that I wanted to. In fact, I wanted to go out to eat for lunch or breakfast. Having no money actually worked for me today. This morning, I weighed 249 pounds. My affirmation for today is "I am now ready to release the need in me that has created this condition." My only goal for today is to make it through today without eating unconsciously - without thought, without care about what I'm doing (my usual "just fuck it" eating). Maybe Subway for dinner?
When I read that, I'm aware of the following:
1. I carried the knowledge that I eat "unconsciously" for a long time before I did anything about it.
2. I've been eating the same dinner at Subway for four years.
3. I was saying "fuck" in 2008, too.
4. I lost F.I.V.E. pounds in the three years between August 2008 and September 2011. Only five.

In that time period, I also lost one of my best friends to cancer, I had cancer, Nina graduated high school and moved out, Tyler moved in/moved out/moved in/moved out, my ex-husband remarried, I bought a new car, I started getting my part of Charlie's retirement, my dog Daisy died, my close friend lost her son, I changed jobs, and Obama got elected.  

But NOTHING changed in how I ate, where I ate, how much I ate, what my attitude was about eating, or how many pounds I weighed. 

Here is the second (and last) post on that blog:
I did good last night. Nina and I went to Subway. It was great. Today, some of us from work went to Hill Diner. I ate the super bowl of chili. Forgot to ask for the cheese to be off. Put ketchup in it. I have no idea how many calories it was. I put down 18 on the ww thing. The good thing is that I ate a little over half of it at lunch (noon) and brought the rest back to work. I was able to stop when I felt full. However, I ate the rest at 4:00 this afternoon. Goal is not to eat anything but fruit or veggies for dinner. We don't have anything fresh at home. Maybe I'll eat a can of asparagus. OK, I've got to plan something. Just don't know what yet. OK. I'll send Nina to the grocery store for a bag of salad and a nectarine. And some Italian dressing. I can put a string cheese in it. And I can drink a v8 juice. I'm going to go ahead and put that in my ww planner.Now, tomorrow is the first day of real work. We've got to be at a breakfast meeting at 7:45. I know that I will eat a breakfast burrito so I will plan on it. There will also be fruit. I am now willing to release the need in me that has created this extra 100 pounds.

 Again, nothing has really changed in my eating pattern.  I still order the same chili at Hill Diner! 

I wrote that post the day before the school year started in 2008.  The "first day of real work" is always a district-wide morning meeting that begins with a breakfast.  Of course, the breakfast is optional but I've NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER missed it.  I remember that morning.  I didn't eat just one burrito - I ate two.  And I got back on my merry-go-round of compulsive eating and self-hate.

I obviously wasn't "willing to release the need in me that has created this extra 100 pounds".

What changed?  I really don't know.  I now weigh 42 pounds less than I did that day in August 2008.

I think it was just the grace of God.

Love,
Grateful Jenny

P.S.  One change since 2008 - I obviously had no sense of humor back then!



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