Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I'm In A Squiggly


I love this image.  I'm in a squiggly right now.  Possibly upside down.

Weight is OK.

204.

But I feel a little bit untethered.

Since Friday night (where I showed myself that I still remember how to stuff my face like The-OLD-Jenny), I have not been vigilant.

But I haven't been off either.   I've been like a bowling pin that is wobbling back and forth and you don't know if it's going to fall down or not. 

I've thought about this all afternoon.  Well, not ALL ......................... A little bit.

And actually, I think it's good news.  I think I would be off, out-of-control - BUT I think my default eating has changed.  Do you know what I mean?

Friday night, I partied.  Cheese queso, buffalo chicken dip, two hot dogs (only one bun), copious amounts of ketchup, potato chips, potato salad, chocolate peanut butter cake with ice cream, wine................

It was a "Well, fuck it" meal.  The kind where, historically, I go.........
"Well, I screwed THAT up, might as well just give up, close my eyes, take my fat clothes and move back full-time to Jennyland..."
But, Saturday morning, I was back being AWARE and making good choices.  And I really believe it was by the Grace of God.  Because it wasn't me.   I believe that God is changing my desires.

WHOA!  THAT STATEMENT SURPRISED ME!  But, it's true!  I think my default eating has changed.  And that's something I've never been able to do. 

Saturday, Donna and I worked hard in her office and in my backyard.  No lunch but a late breakfast.  By evening, we were starving so we went to the store and got sushi to eat as an appetizer to the salmon we were going to grill.

We ended up eating eight pieces of sushi EACH (a full meal) AND THEN guacamole, baked chips, grilled salmon, and banana boats.

Really, two dinners.  The bowling pin was wobbling.

But, Sunday, I was back on it.  No unconscious eating.

Monday, I was back on it.

And the God-given gift was that I felt like I was going back to my default setting.  Not forcing myself to get it under control.  Isn't that amazing???????

Today, I've done fine.  The lack of money forced me to come home after work, make myself a tuna sandwich, and sit out in my backyard eating and blogging.

AND I'M ENJOYING IT!  Just me and the dogs.

There are things happening right now that make me a wobbly bowling pin.  Tyler is off in Texas in my car, I'm out of money until Friday, I haven't paid the speeding (ETC!) tickets to the pueblo, there's only five weeks left of school and the 8th graders are getting restless, I feel tired of emptying the cat box then feel guilty for longing to be catless.........

But, today........ my eating default setting has changed.  I can't become complacent about that.  I know that I will ALWAYS BE HIGH RISK for chucking it all and giving up.

But I'm not today.  And I have no idea what this blog has to do with it's title.

But I loved the success image.

And I'm still loving sitting in my backyard.

Love,
Jenn


No comments:

Post a Comment