Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I'm Lost And Trying To Find My Way Back
I am incredibly tired but know that I must blog now in order to hold on to the tiny shred of accountability that I can muster up.
I've had a crazy busy weekend that, last night, accumulated in me becoming so flustered and nervous and people-pleasing that I lost myself.
You're asking yourself, "Oh My God, did she have a meeting with the President?' "Oh WOW, was she invited to Cinderella's ball?" "Praise God! Did she have an audience with the Pope???"
Nah........ I had Bunco at my house. But because I am me, it might as well have been an audience with the Queen Of Sheba.
Having eleven women, who are my Bunco friends but not necessarily a part of my inner circle, come to my house for the first time, was nerve-wracking for me. It brought up ALL my insecurities about not being rich enough, not being a good enough housekeeper, not having good taste, not being creative enough, not being worthy of love enough to have a husband, not getting good enough prizes, not being generous enough...... in general, just not being good enough.
Those insecurities are what has plagued me all weekend. I have given them control over what and how much I ate, how much I spent, how balanced my weekend was, what I talked about, and my mood.
If it was a wrestling match, I'd be pinned to the ground by my insecurities and the final score would be:
Jenn's Insecurities - 45
Jenn - 0
That's how I got lost. I got lost in a maze of I've got to do this ... and this ... and
this...and buy this ... and this ... and this ... and this ... and make this ....
and this .... this ... and this ... ad nausem. By yesterday, the maze included I've got to eat this ... and this .... and this .... and this .... and drink this ... and this ... and this.............
Here's how out of control everything got:
1. Friday night, Jen and I went shopping for food, decorations, and bunco prizes. We bought Bunco prizes, supplies to make a Mat Hatter's hat to put fruit skewers on, supplies to make Mad Hatter signs, different colors of bread to make a sandwich checkboard, dark chocolate-covered edamame, dark chocolate-covered ginger, cocoa truffles, wasabi trail mix, crown and high heel-shaped cookie cutters, and weird wines. Of course, that's not all I bought but it shows you how I was handing out the moolah.
There was a highlight to the shopping trip and that was spending the afternoon and evening with Jen talking and laughing. She is a younger, more creative and responsible me. We had dinner WITH WINE. I'd like to say that I had wine because I was celebrating reaching the 40 pound loss mark. But really, I had wine because Jen was with me and she was having wine. We weren't doing a good job supporting each other on our weight loss goals.
2. Saturday, I manipulated Tyler and three of his friends into raking, sweeping, hauling, and cleaning in my backyard. And I paid Tyler's friend to deep clean my kitchen. I had this fear of my Bunco group looking into my kitchen's butt crack. You know...... all the crevices where crumbs, dust, wayward pills, single pinto beans, and lonely cat food nibbles hide. And the backyard cleanup? Somehow, I hooked that into Bunco, too, even while knowing that no one was going to go into my backyard. I spent my time pulling the nails out of my staircase that were left over from when Nina and I pulled up the carpet TWO YEARS AGO. I had never really noticed them before, but in the face of a pending Bunco party, they became literal EYESORES! That's all I could see when I walked up or down the stairs.
Conscious eating wise, whatever started to rock my intent and vigilance on Friday night with the glass of wine, really started whacking the sides of the boat on Saturday night. I went to Barb's for dinner and had FIVE cups of pinto beans! Be glad you didn't spend the night with me.
3. Sunday, after a bit of cleaning, I spent most of the day at a fund-raising bowl-a-thon with a group of coworkers. It was a blast and we won second place for yelling the loudest. I'm not a good bowler, but I am a LOUD bowler. And, in this case, that helped. We even won this penguin bowling pin as a trophy!
I just looked up the definition of buffeted..
"buffeted - pounded or hit repeatedly by storms or adversities
I like that definition because that's what happens at buffets! You are repeatedly pounded by the sight of food. And, in my case, the food sometimes wins.
Sunday night, I went over to Jen's to help her with the food for my Bunco party. She made cupcakes and I chopped chicken, apples, and veggies and trimmed the pork loin.
By this time, I had totally lost my focus on conscious eating. Thrown it overboard. In addition to the buffet, I had sampled Jen's cookies, I had wine, and I had beer.
Lost. I was lost. And I had lost.
4. Monday, I took off work to finish preparing for the Bunco party. I had to rearrange furniture to get the three Bunco tables into my tinywhitetrashgaragesaledecoratedfoofoofunkypink house. I had to make salad cups. I had to make fruit skewers. I had to set out the gummy dice! I had to put my plastic cups in order (don't ask!). I had to make "eat me" and "drink me" signs. I had to watch Jen makes crown-shaped, high heel-shaped, Texas-shaped sandwiches, cupcakes, and barbequed pork!
Finally, after days of insane preparation, anxious feelings of inadequacy, and just plain "I AM DRIVING MYSELF EFFING NUTS!", the Bunco party happened.
People loved the sandwiches.
They loved the barbeque.
They loved the salad cups.
They loved the fruit skewers in the Mad Hatter's hat.
They loved the cupcakes.
They made nice comments about my house.
They loved the prizes.
No one made any comments about the nails in my stairs.
No one said, "Wow, you are so white trash, you shouldn't be in our Bunco group!"
No one laughed hysterically at the colors of my living rooms walls or looked at me pitifully after checking out my floors.
No one even mentioned my baggie of white m&m's that is thumb-tacked to my kitchen cabinet.
No one tried to peep at my kitchen's butt crack.
Only one person even went upstairs to use the bathroom.
Even Nurdy was on his best behavior.
But it was stressful. For a social butterfly (which I admit I am), I close up and become very insecure when having people over to my house. I ate anxiously. I played Bunco with my left hand and kept my right hand in constant motion between whatever bowl was in front of me and my mouth.
After everyone left, I crashed.
Oh hell....... I've got to be completely honest. I crashed on the living room couch drinking the two nearly finished bottles of wine straight out of the bottles! I was cleaning up, ya know?
This morning, I weighed five pounds more than I did on Friday. It's not a surprise.
I came to work feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically beat up. I'm tired. I'd brought all the goodies from the Bunco party to share with co-workers. However, rather than putting them in the teachers lounge, I kept them on the table in my office.
They are THIS FAR from my computer.
Blogging this afternoon has helped me feel less lost. So............ tomorrow is a new day. Right?
Thanks for helping me find my way home.