Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tomorrow, I Will....

Tonight, I will forgive myself for royally and completely ignoring my goals, who I want to become, and the whole idea of conscious eating.

And ignoring is what I did.  I didn't forget.  I made a conscious decision to close my eyes and not listen to the internal voice of reason that was saying:

Tonight, I will let it go.  It's too late to change my mind.  I've already closed my eyes and stuffed my face all day and all evening.  Now, I have two attitudes to choose from:
"Well, screw it.  I'd gained five pounds this morning; it will be even more tomorrow.  This isn't worth it.  Its taking too long and I still look like a whale.  I can't do this.  Fuck this shit."
"Today is over.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I deserve this.  I deserve to feel proud.  I deserve to feel like a normal person.  I deserve to walk with energy.  I deserve to like myself."
Ugh!  My whiny-ness is driving me CRAZY!  And, in order to be true to myself, I have to say that I've been trying to not write the 'f' word so much.  I told my cousin that I would work on that.  But I would be masking who I really am if I didn't admit that FUCK THIS SHIT is really how I feel sometimes.  I'm fighting that right now and sugar-coating it and saying something different and polite like "I'm having a hard time not giving up" JUST DOESN'T CUT IT!!!!!

So... my commitments:

Tomorrow, I will have a Weight Watchers breakfast, a frozen dinner for lunch (with as many vegetables and fruit as I want), and Subway for dinner.

Tomorrow, I will return to my no alcohol/no diet sodas until 200.

Tomorrow, I will drink at least ONE glass of water with lemon.  These waterless days don't help.

Tomorrow, I will post my weight on Facebook.  You can't get more transparent than that.  At least without a megaphone. Today, I was 209 after weighing 204.5 on Friday.  It will be at least a couple of pounds more tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will remember that it is my blood pressure pill that I'm supposed to be cutting in half - not my water pill as I had been doing for the past two days.

Tomorrow, I will think about this summer, the pool, the cruise...... not what current emotion I can paint over with gravy.

I have to fight this.
I have to pray through this.  

I will not give up.  Nor should I flog myself.

Just get over it, Jenny!  Dust off your fat butt and get back to it!  Quit 'yer bitchin' and DO IT!

(Sorry, Rosie, but nothing else expresses it.)


  1. Good attitude and great day tomorrow. Just one day at a time. You are worth the work and consciousness. Praying with you for my own missteps and yours.

  2. Good luck to you! Love your blog and all the honesty.