Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tomorrow, I Will....

Tonight, I will forgive myself for royally and completely ignoring my goals, who I want to become, and the whole idea of conscious eating.

And ignoring is what I did.  I didn't forget.  I made a conscious decision to close my eyes and not listen to the internal voice of reason that was saying:
"Wait."
"Remember."
"Think."

Tonight, I will let it go.  It's too late to change my mind.  I've already closed my eyes and stuffed my face all day and all evening.  Now, I have two attitudes to choose from:
"Well, screw it.  I'd gained five pounds this morning; it will be even more tomorrow.  This isn't worth it.  Its taking too long and I still look like a whale.  I can't do this.  Fuck this shit."
 OR
"Today is over.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I deserve this.  I deserve to feel proud.  I deserve to feel like a normal person.  I deserve to walk with energy.  I deserve to like myself."
Ugh!  My whiny-ness is driving me CRAZY!  And, in order to be true to myself, I have to say that I've been trying to not write the 'f' word so much.  I told my cousin that I would work on that.  But I would be masking who I really am if I didn't admit that FUCK THIS SHIT is really how I feel sometimes.  I'm fighting that right now and sugar-coating it and saying something different and polite like "I'm having a hard time not giving up" JUST DOESN'T CUT IT!!!!!

So... my commitments:

Tomorrow, I will have a Weight Watchers breakfast, a frozen dinner for lunch (with as many vegetables and fruit as I want), and Subway for dinner.

Tomorrow, I will return to my no alcohol/no diet sodas until 200.

Tomorrow, I will drink at least ONE glass of water with lemon.  These waterless days don't help.

Tomorrow, I will post my weight on Facebook.  You can't get more transparent than that.  At least without a megaphone. Today, I was 209 after weighing 204.5 on Friday.  It will be at least a couple of pounds more tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will remember that it is my blood pressure pill that I'm supposed to be cutting in half - not my water pill as I had been doing for the past two days.

Tomorrow, I will think about this summer, the pool, the cruise...... not what current emotion I can paint over with gravy.

I have to fight this.
I have to pray through this.  

I will not give up.  Nor should I flog myself.

Just get over it, Jenny!  Dust off your fat butt and get back to it!  Quit 'yer bitchin' and DO IT!

Love,
All-Fucked-Up
(Sorry, Rosie, but nothing else expresses it.)


2 comments:

  1. Good attitude and great day tomorrow. Just one day at a time. You are worth the work and consciousness. Praying with you for my own missteps and yours.

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  2. Good luck to you! Love your blog and all the honesty.

    ReplyDelete