And ignoring is what I did. I didn't forget. I made a conscious decision to close my eyes and not listen to the internal voice of reason that was saying:
Tonight, I will let it go. It's too late to change my mind. I've already closed my eyes and stuffed my face all day and all evening. Now, I have two attitudes to choose from:
"Well, screw it. I'd gained five pounds this morning; it will be even more tomorrow. This isn't worth it. Its taking too long and I still look like a whale. I can't do this. Fuck this shit."
"Today is over. Tomorrow is a new day. I deserve this. I deserve to feel proud. I deserve to feel like a normal person. I deserve to walk with energy. I deserve to like myself."
Ugh! My whiny-ness is driving me CRAZY! And, in order to be true to myself, I have to say that I've been trying to not write the 'f' word so much. I told my cousin that I would work on that. But I would be masking who I really am if I didn't admit that FUCK THIS SHIT is really how I feel sometimes. I'm fighting that right now and sugar-coating it and saying something different and polite like "I'm having a hard time not giving up" JUST DOESN'T CUT IT!!!!!
So... my commitments:
Tomorrow, I will have a Weight Watchers breakfast, a frozen dinner for lunch (with as many vegetables and fruit as I want), and Subway for dinner.
Tomorrow, I will return to my no alcohol/no diet sodas until 200.
Tomorrow, I will drink at least ONE glass of water with lemon. These waterless days don't help.
Tomorrow, I will post my weight on Facebook. You can't get more transparent than that. At least without a megaphone. Today, I was 209 after weighing 204.5 on Friday. It will be at least a couple of pounds more tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I will remember that it is my blood pressure pill that I'm supposed to be cutting in half - not my water pill as I had been doing for the past two days.
Tomorrow, I will think about this summer, the pool, the cruise...... not what current emotion I can paint over with gravy.
I have to fight this.
I have to pray through this.
I will not give up. Nor should I flog myself.
Just get over it, Jenny! Dust off your fat butt and get back to it! Quit 'yer bitchin' and DO IT!
(Sorry, Rosie, but nothing else expresses it.)