Saturday, May 19, 2012

Run Ragged

I wish you could peek inside my head and listen to this song that's playing there.

It's a song called 'Twarnt Nuthin' from the play that I'm working on.  It's a catchy tune.  Too bad you can't hear it.

Right now, in the depths of my brain, the words have changed to

...Run ragged, run ragged, da, da, da, da, da, da, da....

That's how I feel.

This last week at school has felt like a circus.  A three-ring circus.  I feel like I've been running from ring to ring while balancing fifty plates on my head and juggling raw eggs.
There's:
8th graders who have emotionally checked out a week and a half before school is out.....
7th graders who never checked in.....
progress summaries.....
IEP goal updates.....
retirement parties (OK, I'm not really whining about those)....
class parties (or those, for that matter).....
transition meetings about 6th graders coming to the middle school....
transition meeting about 8th graders going to the high school....
kids with trauma going on in their lives....
lunch duty where I feel like I'm herding 240 puppies)....
fights....
near fights....
girl drama....
pizza orders for "last" groups....
trips to Sonic for "reward" meals (not for me)....
compulsive furniture moving in my office.....

And, it's not nearly as crazy for me as it is for the teachers and our poor administrative staff....

Tomorrow is the last night of the play.  I'M SO G.L.A.D.
Is this how it always is when working for a community theater?  By the time the play is over, I'm soooooooo sick of it!  But, I know that I'll be volunteering for the next one and will get caught up in the excitement of play preparation and rehearsals.

Life is busy.  Very busy right now.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I feel like my life is full.  And I thank God for that.  As I plan for my 40th High School Reunion next month, I think a lot about the shy, quiet, invisible teenager that I was.  I was so full of fear and insecurity.  I was immobilized by it.  My life consisted of two primary emotions - fear and loneliness.  And I didn't think things would ever get any better.

I've been given such a gift.  And, I've been given the opportunity to try to give the gift to others.  I've been set down smack dab in the middle of a bunch of kids who carry the same pain I carried.  But now, most of the time, I am a woman full of confidence and joie de vivre.  I'm not afraid to laugh at myself, I'm not afraid to be different or weird or funky.  I know how to advocate for what I need and want, I am nurturing and valuing.  I've become a person I like.


Who could ask for more?


I know I still carry that pitiful,  lonely, terrified person inside of me.  She's been peeking out more than usual as my high school reunion draws near.   But, rather than feeding her food to ease her anxiety, I've been trying to reassure her.  To reassure me.  I have value.  I have skills.  I have purpose.  No matter how immature I act or pretend to be, I am a grown-up.  I've lived life.  I've lost my parents, I've broken my marriage, I've survived being left for another woman, I've survived cancer, I love my son who is a drug addict, I love my learning disabled, Asperger-y daughter, I raised four very different kinds of children and feel proud of each and every one of them.


I have been blessed.  So blessed.  Rather than whining about my busy life, I should be praising God for giving me the opportunity to live this life.

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