Monday, June 18, 2012

A Blog Full Of Self-Hate

I've been dreading this and putting off my need to write about it.  My visual of little Jenny is that she is somewhere inside of me, sitting cross-legged, arms crossed over her chest, with a sulking, ferocious frown on her face.

Something like a combination of all the following:

And when I, grown-up Jenn,  go over and try to pull her up....... I am met with DEAD weight.  Little Jenny's body seems to melt into the floor and it is nearly impossible to get her back up and moving again.

Since my last post, I have become one year older..... and NINE AND A HALF POUNDS HEAVIER.

There.  I said it.

Now, can we please stop eating???????

I don't want to wallow in this.  I don't want to justify my "letscelebrateturning58inallsortsofhealthywayslikejumpingoffhighdivingboardsandothershitbutletsbalanceoutthegoodthingsbyrepeatedlycrammingourmouthfulltothepointthatwearemiserableandfullofdisgust".  I don't want to analyze all the 'whys' and 'how comes'.  I don't want to look at the fact that I got to 201.5 and BOUNCED BACK up to 211 - repeating a well known and much hated pattern in my life.

I just want to S.T.O.P.   


I'm done with this going backwards.  I've done it.  It's over. 

Tomorrow.  Things are gonna get back on track.

Cut it out, Jenny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Jenn, I feel for you. I can read the anguish and I do understand. I haven't been doing well myself and have gained about five pounds and I feel it. My jeans are tight!

    Now, listen, let's both get up, dust ourselves off, and move forward. Losing weight and keeping it off is not easy and it is not without setbacks. Let's just get back to it and remember that we know how to be successful and there is no giving up. We both know that very well. We hate being fat and have to take it step-by-step, little-by-little.

    And, don't forget how beautiful we both are, with or without the weight. There are too many positives in our lives and the weight is just a part of who we are.

    I'm with you, Jenn.