Well, to be honest, I'm not blogging because I'm fucking up.
I'm running around Jennyland having a great summer. Family reunions, high school reunions, road trips, swimming, playing, barbequing, driving around with friends, drinking, facebooking, reading, laughing, obsessing on Sons Of Anarchy and Breaking Bad, seeing movies about men stripping, doing crossword puzzles, looking at Pinterest, making white trash crafts, staying up late, getting up late, going out to eat, yada, yada, yada......
I'd say I've been screeching around Jennyland with my eyes closed. Or at least, severely squinted. I have not been watching myself. I have not been watching what goes into myself. This morning, I didn't even get on the scales.
Lots of fun but not much control.
Yes, there is a however. Do you think that's the same thing as a rationalization?
However, I don't feel like I've gone back to old behaviors. I don't have a "well, screw it" attitude. I don't feel hopeless. Or helpless.
I feel like a commercial. It's like an old radio show "Jenny Loses Weight" has been on for the last nine months, and then in mid-June, the announcer said "and now, a word from our sponsor" and, we break for a commercial.
And then, there is this amazing commercial all about spontaneity and laughter and enjoying life!
But the commercial will soon end and the announcer will say, "and now, we return to (drum roll) Jenny Loses Weight".
Shit. As I write this, I can hear grown-up Jenn (who's pretty weak, right now) saying, "Oh, give me an effing break! You are so full of c.a.c.a!"
And, I guess I am.
I don't feel comfortable blogging about screwing up because:
1. I don't want people to feel like they need to give me a pep talk or reassurance. I am always giving myself a pep talk (otherwise known as a "come to Jesus meeting").
2. I read really wonderful blogs written by successful weight losers. Anti-Jared, the guy in Ponca City Oklahoma, Lynn........ There blogs are helpful because .... they did it.
I'm not in that place right now. For me to blog while I'm in this place is just drivel. And not the slobber or drool kind of drivel, but the stupid, childish talk kind of drivel.
It's not that I'm trying to hide anything. Y'all should know, I'm not good at that.
Here's the stats:
* I spent weeks weighing 204.
* I weighed 201.5 for two days.
* Yesterday, I weighed 211.
* Tonight when I had my size 16 swimsuit on, I keep experiencing the scary visualization that if someone bumped into me, I would respond like a can of biscuits that has been knocked against a counter. My swimsuit would POP open with a earsplitting noise and my body would balloon out over the sides!
Here's what I've learned:
Because of what some other people said, I thought I would actually lose MORE weight during the summer. I know many people who gain during the winter and lose during the summer because they are more active, they eat a more healthy and fresh diet, they are less stressed, they have more time to focus on themselves and their needs.......
That isn't how I roll. I need the structure of the school year to help me make better choices.
I hate to admit it, but structure grounds me.
During the school year, I .....
...wake up earlier
...take something healthy to work for breakfast
...eat my little Lean Cuisines or bowls of soup for lunch
...drink water while in my office
...exercise on a regular basis through Jazzercize at work or going to the Y with co-workers
...eat an early dinner, frequently at Subway
...go to bed earlier
During the summer, I.....
...sleep until some time between 10 and noon
...go out to eat Huevos Rancheros or a big ole Chili Works burrito if I eat any breakfast at all
...don't drink any water (I actually can't remember the last time I drank water right now)
...hang out at the pool and call it exercise
...drink more sodas and more alcohol
...eat dinner late in the evening
...stay up late
It's like I spend the school year walking on a grid like Pac Man - going straight, turning corners, very predicable and organized.
(For the purpose of this imagery, let's ignore the fact that Pac Man EATS everything in sight.)
And it's like, in the summer, I am Dug, the dog in Up, standing in a flat field full of squirrels, looking around and screaming "SQUIRREL!" before running off in God's knows which direction.
Ya see the difference?
I really appreciate Deezer and Lorna and Max for saying something to me about blogging. You are what motivated me to blog tonight.
I will be back.
To the real world.
Thank God I return to work August 7th.
I love you guys,