Wednesday, August 29, 2012

NEW BLOG NAME: Jenny's Stupid Out Of Control/Overeating Diary

Damn.

I did it again. I did great all day while I was at school. After coming home, a friend called and wanted to talk. She offered to bring dinner over.  So Kara came over, armed with wine and the makings of burritos - chicken, beans, cheese, green chile, and tortillas.  We had a relaxing evening visiting with each other and with Barb (that's another story).

However, I made two huge, thoughtless burritos and scarfed them up.   Along with wine.  Not one burrito (like Kara), but two.

And Barb brought decadence.  She brought....
Peanuts...
Covered in toffee....
Then covered in chocolate.....
Then covered in powdered sugar.

Not only did I eat - many - but I ate them like a five-year-old.   I sucked on them until I had sucked everything off, all the way down to the peanuts.   Then I took them out of my mouth and made a little pile of the sucked off peanuts on my lace tablecloth. (But I'd already dropped ketchupy beans on it so who cared?).  Then, when I had fifteen or twenty sucked off peanuts, I stuffed them all back in my mouth.  I did that about twice.

Isn't that lovely?

I was so angry at myself for DOING. IT. AGAIN. that I first decided to not blog tonight and to wait until September 1st to start trying to pay attention/take care of myself/be diligent/DIET again.

And then, by the grace of God, I thought BBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP!  BAD IDEA.

So, I'm blogging.  I'm blogging failure.  I'm blogging how not to be.   I'm blogging "Oh God!  I Did It Again!".

I gotta have a plan.   I'm definitely not in a place where I can celebrate (be with people) without having a celebration in my mouth (cramming it full of crap).   Obviously "recognition" of the problem isn't enough for me.  Right now, I'm  likely to get into a place where I go, "Oh, look at how I'm fucking up. Heehee!  Give me another sucked off peanut. Heehee!".

So, here's my plan.   I really need this since this is a three-day-weekend and I'm going to Albuquerque for the weekend. I think there's gonna be lots of celebrating.
1.  When I am celebrating and drinking:  NO BREAD OR CHEESE.    This will make it easier to choose salads and healthier stuff.
2.   No celebrating with desserts.    Or chocolate/toffee/powdered sugar peanuts.
3.  Only one helping.     I'm not even saying "serving" because I'm cutting myself some slack.  I may be an overeater but I'm not stupid. I know that a "serving" is much less than a "helping".   One "serving" should be my goal - but if I can just get to one helping, I'll be happy.   

On top of tonight's failure, I've got to tell you how my ego came back to bite me on the butt.   After losing 40 pounds, when I was  prissing around like nobody's business with my peacock plume in full bloom - I gave Kara some of my shirts that were too big on me.  They still fit her (I smugly told myself.   And her.). 

Well, Kara has now lost 30 pounds and brought me a shirt that was too big for her.  NO!  THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!   By this time, I was supposed to be 185.  Not 215!

But.   Unfortunately, that's the way it is.   

I HAVE to keep on trying.  

Love, 
Me. 

4 comments:

  1. Well, Jen tomorrow is a new day. I am an emotional eater and my emotions have been through the roof lately. It is a daily fight for me to not go get a bag of chips and eat until the bag is empty. It is a good thing I don't have friends to go have fun with or I would really be in trouble. Anyway be happy with your victories and don't beat yourself up over your failures. Tomorrow is a new day.

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  2. One very cranky woman!August 29, 2012 at 10:24 PM

    Sounds like the enabler friends need a talking to! Why do they bring that stuff when they no that your self control has taken off somewhere unknown? They must know how you are feeling so why are they tempting you? Hmmmmmm....well I wish you were here and we could sit and have a skinny something and laugh! This week sucked!!!!!

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  3. I have to say, that the person above me is correct on one point, your friends should be helping you not throwing you roadblocks. Ask them to not bring food that will sabotage your goal!

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  4. I'm reading your blog with diligence, Jenn, as I have gained quite a bit this summer traveling here in the states, and I'm a little disgusted with myself. I appreciate your honesty and I'm goig to try to get rid of my weight, too. But the trouble is, I don't really WANT to work at it. I just want it done. I'm sure you understand. Anyway, thanks for this.

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