I did it again. I did great all day while I was at school. After coming home, a friend called and wanted to talk. She offered to bring dinner over. So Kara came over, armed with wine and the makings of burritos - chicken, beans, cheese, green chile, and tortillas. We had a relaxing evening visiting with each other and with Barb (that's another story).
However, I made two huge, thoughtless burritos and scarfed them up. Along with wine. Not one burrito (like Kara), but two.
And Barb brought decadence. She brought....
Covered in toffee....
Then covered in chocolate.....
Then covered in powdered sugar.
Not only did I eat - many - but I ate them like a five-year-old. I sucked on them until I had sucked everything off, all the way down to the peanuts. Then I took them out of my mouth and made a little pile of the sucked off peanuts on my lace tablecloth. (But I'd already dropped ketchupy beans on it so who cared?). Then, when I had fifteen or twenty sucked off peanuts, I stuffed them all back in my mouth. I did that about twice.
Isn't that lovely?
I was so angry at myself for DOING. IT. AGAIN. that I first decided to not blog tonight and to wait until September 1st to start trying to pay attention/take care of myself/be diligent/DIET again.
And then, by the grace of God, I thought BBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP! BAD IDEA.
So, I'm blogging. I'm blogging failure. I'm blogging how not to be. I'm blogging "Oh God! I Did It Again!".
I gotta have a plan. I'm definitely not in a place where I can celebrate (be with people) without having a celebration in my mouth (cramming it full of crap). Obviously "recognition" of the problem isn't enough for me. Right now, I'm likely to get into a place where I go, "Oh, look at how I'm fucking up. Heehee! Give me another sucked off peanut. Heehee!".
So, here's my plan. I really need this since this is a three-day-weekend and I'm going to Albuquerque for the weekend. I think there's gonna be lots of celebrating.
1. When I am celebrating and drinking: NO BREAD OR CHEESE. This will make it easier to choose salads and healthier stuff.
2. No celebrating with desserts. Or chocolate/toffee/powdered sugar peanuts.
3. Only one helping. I'm not even saying "serving" because I'm cutting myself some slack. I may be an overeater but I'm not stupid. I know that a "serving" is much less than a "helping". One "serving" should be my goal - but if I can just get to one helping, I'll be happy.
On top of tonight's failure, I've got to tell you how my ego came back to bite me on the butt. After losing 40 pounds, when I was prissing around like nobody's business with my peacock plume in full bloom - I gave Kara some of my shirts that were too big on me. They still fit her (I smugly told myself. And her.).
Well, Kara has now lost 30 pounds and brought me a shirt that was too big for her. NO! THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! By this time, I was supposed to be 185. Not 215!
But. Unfortunately, that's the way it is.
I HAVE to keep on trying.