Saturday, August 25, 2012

Struggling and Self-Hate. Where's My Effing Bottom?

221 on Elisa's scales in Albuquerque.

Fuck.

I hate myself right now.

I will pull out of it.  But, God, please help me pull out of it with renewed dedication to being healthy and losing weight rather than pulling out of it by going back to Jennyland again and stuffing myself with hotdogs and burritos!!!!!

I have to remember that, for me, overeating is a disease.  The disease of addiction.  Looking back on the last few months, I see a laughing, frolicking Jenny who was so proud of herself for losing 40 pounds and as each physical pound went away, she gained a pound of ego and self-celebration. 

I cannot do this by myself.  I did not do this by myself. 

Ah, fuck.  I don't even know where I'm going with that.  I'm lost. 


Today, I was supposed to walk in the Albuquerque Color Run with Barb, Natalie, Ron, and Pat.  I even had silent visualizations of running at times in it - like whenever I was 'last'.  After signing up for the Color Run earlier in the week, I started giving it lots of emotional importance.  The Color Run was going to be my "jump start" back to eating healthy and moving more.  The Color Run was going to ritualize my "Beginning Again" - which coming home from my vacation, starting school, and Nina leaving to go to school had failed to do. 

Note to Self:  Right there should be a key.  The day after vacation, the first day of school, and Nina's leaving were all days you told yourself were "first days".  You just did them more quietly and they didn't cost $35.  The lesson:  Making an outside event your "starting point" is a fucked up idea.  

I hurt my back on July 17th.  It has slowly gotten better.  However, driving to Albuquerque yesterday in a somewhat emotionally stressed mood set it back three or four weeks.  By the time I got to Elisa's house last night, I couldn't stand up straight and was pissing off Nina by whining.  (That's always a bad sign.)  My back was spasming to the point of hurting horribly every time I tried to turn over in bed last night - even after taking a muscle relaxer.  I knew at 5:30 this morning, when I got up to take another muscle relaxer, that I was going to blow off the Color Run. 

Now.   Why I say blow off.  Walking actually helps my back.  My back primarily hurts when I get up after laying or sitting down.  It's like it "locks down" and I can't straighten it out.   However, after a few minutes of walking, the muscles begin to let go some and it feels better.  BUT.

There's always a BUT with me.  I was afraid I couldn't walk the whole three miles.  I can't tell you the last time I walked three miles in one walk.  Even last spring, when Barb and I were walking on the canyon rim, I could only do about one and a half miles.  By the end of that, my feet would be numb and I'd be shaky. 

So, here I sit in my damn CLEAN Color Run teeshirt, kicking myself in the butt for fucking up. 

Can this PLEASE be an emotional bottom?  Do I really have to go all the way back up to 244 to start over again? 

Ugh. 


3 comments:

  1. Jen, You can't blame yourself for hurting your back!! I know from my own experience over Christmas that when you back hurts that bad walking from you bed to the couch seems like a 1000 mile treck....... 3 miles seems like around the world!! Be patient with your back and find some back friendly exercises to strengthen and heal it........ You don't have to go all the back to the begining just start slowly from where you are and go back to celebrating the small things...... Bit by bit it will get easier!! You are loved and stronger than you think!!
    Daphne

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  2. I have enjoyed water aerobics at the Pojoaque Wellness center, you might try that for your back. My old knees feel a lot better since I have been going. You seem to like the pool, so give it a shot. I go in the mornings, but they have it in the evening too. Maybe the pool up there does too. Give it a shot and see if it helps. Hang in there, those pounds crept up on you over the years, might take a while for them to creep off. The important thing is to keep taking them off, one ounce at a time. Have a great Sunday..do something FUN!!! :o) Doris

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  3. Yes, it can be your emotional bottom. Stop digging here.

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