Or the way I see it, the control and management of this vessel known as MY BODY is being transferred from Little Jenny to Grown-Up Jenn. Who is at the helm of this body ship says a lot about where it goes and what it transports.
I recognize that this boating symbolism sounds really crazy but it has been a summer of swimming.
To me, "summer" ended yesterday as we drove up to our house after our last summer adventure. That doesn't mean that I'm through with adventures and it definitely doesn't mean that I'm through having fun. But, for me, work does start tomorrow.
Ah shit.... In the never ending symbolism that I just can't seem to get away from even though it makes me sound as schizy as possible------------------------
----------------------------grown-up Jenn has got to wrestle the steering wheel of this boat away from Little Jenny's grubby hands before Jenny turns this tugboat into the size of an ocean liner and rams it into the the muddy, shallow bottom of the Brazos river!!!!!!!
I mean, we've gotten WAAAYYYYY off course here...
The Brazos isn't anywhere close to the deep, calm. tropical waters where we're supposed to be!
******OFF TOPIC*****OFF TOPIC******OFF TOPIC******OFF TOPIC
(If the topic is anything other than schizotypal water sports......)
Right after my divorce, I dreamed that I was going to take a cruise. I walked along the dock looking for my ship to board. I passed three huge vessels called HMS Queen Mary, HMS Victoria, and USS Abraham Lincoln but I didn't think any of those were where I was supposed to be. Finally, I came upon a large, rickety ship with broken boards and tattered sails. She was tilted in the water. But painted on her side was the name MRS Plywood and I knew that was my ship.
My dream, for reals.
Oh My God, what did that say about my marriage????
OH MY GOD, WHAT DID THAT SAY ABOUT MY MIND????
Anyway...... just to clarify....... the boat in today's
The USS My Body weighed 218 today.
Rather than focusing on the fact that at the end of last May, it was down to 201 for one day, I'm choosing to focus on the fact that at the beginning of last September, it was up to 244.
I'm too tired and disinterested in feeling angst to go to a place of guilt or remorse or self-hate.
What is, is. And all I can do is start right here. Starting in an emotional place of self-loathing doesn't help anyway. It's like starting a race carrying an 175-pound suitcase. I'm already starting the race carrying extra weight - I don't need to carry emotional luggage.
See how I so subtly changed the symbolism from boating to the Olympics? Pretty cool, huh?
I've got lots to think about, and blog about, over the coming weeks. Like how blogging helps me and how there is a direct correlation between me blogging and me "remembering" who I want to be. I knew that intellectually but I lived that this summer.
I also need to look at the possibility of going into next summer with a plan -- uhh, like maybe a JOB so I won't get so off course.
I also want to explore the spirituality of weight loss. I think I specifically want to look more closely at Marianne Williamson's A Course In Weight Loss. I bought her CD last year but didn't spend much time with it. She is a student and teacher of A Course In Miracles and has written books, using those principals, for weight loss. Here are some of the quotes off her Facebook page:
"The only way to break from your subconscious belief that eating is the source of your comfort is by building on your faith that God is the source of your comfort."
"By seeing that you are a child of God-by recognizing
the unwavering love and mercy He extends to you every
moment of the day - you begin to realign your attitudes
toward yourself with His attitudes toward you.
You no longer need to model anyone's neglect of you;
you need only model God's love for you."
"Once you've aligned yourself with the lightness of your true being, the dense, heavy energies of addiction and compulsion will fall away of their own dead weight. No longer backed by the emotional force of your unprocessed issues, they will have no life force at all."
I like what she says and how she says it. And my gut is telling to me learn more about it.
And finally, while switching back to Facebook to copy Marianne's quotes in the process of posting this, I checked my Facebook page and found a comment from a friend that I want to look at more closely. Here it is:
ME: Tomorrow I work at Middle School. Today, I am off and I mean OFF! I'm spending the day curled up in my bed watching Breaking Bad and dozing. So nice..
Karen Petersen: I think your job is just right for you. It is a job and a lifestyle. So fun to have the summer off, even though it seems to so by faster every year that I live.
My job is just right for me because it's a job and a lifestyle. Karen, help me with this more! If my job is a lifestyle, I'm assuming it's a healthy one. So, when I'm not working............
I really want to look at this. Most stuff Karen says to me comes straight out of God's heart into Karen's mouth into my ears. You know how you have people like that in your life? I think this is profound.
And, as usual, I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!!!!!
So......... I'm baaaaccckkkk!
And I've miss you.