Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Today

216.5

I felt sad about things last night. 

It was the first night that my old dog Mo was too old or too achy or too tired to walk up the stairs and sleep with me.  My bed felt empty and cold.  I got up two times during the night to check on him.  He was comfortably sleeping on his dog bed in the living room. 

I know it is beginning.  He is already quite deaf.  His sight is going, too.  He has been a wonderful companion to me since my divorce.  I am his person.  Even when his sister was still alive, I was his person.  He and I have slept downstairs on windy nights so the pine trees in the backyard won't hurt us if they fall on the house.  We have taken V8 baths together after Mo got sprayed by a skunk.  Mo's traveled with me to Arizona and Texas and Colorado.  He is a good traveling partner.  Mo really likes anything -- as long as I'm with him.

Shit.  I hate this.

And there's more.......

Tyler is planning to move to Phoenix again in December.  Tyler needs to move to Phoenix.    Being 26 year old and not going to school - he needs to be out of little Los Alamos.  He needs to make a life for himself.

I will miss him.  But I want what's best for him. 

Remind me of that.  Remind me of that. Remind me of that.
Remind me to think of what's best for him, not what I want. 

OK.  I've told you about my two little anticipatory losses. 

Now, I don't need to eat my sadness.

And there's still more........

It's that time of the year where I need to make an appointment for my annual physical and my six-month oncology appointment.  Even the idea of scheduling the appointments fills me with dread.

Note to self:  That means I need to schedule the appointments today.  It's stupid to be carrying around dread just about calling and scheduling a date for a doctor's appointment.

For the last couple of years, some physical problem has shown up at my yearly physicals.  Usually it's been something in my blood work that's off, necessitating more doctors' appointments and tests (and lots of anxiety), but resulting in everything being OK. 

Note to self:  Look at what you wrote.  "...... resulting in everything being OK".  
Not resulting in all hell breaking loose.  
When I start dreading what's going to show up in my blood work I need to carry the fantasy 'what ifs' all the way to the usual end - "everything being OK".

And my oncology appointment.  The purpose of the appointment is to watch for recurrences.  But I've been told - numerous times - that my kind of cancer doesn't usually reoccur.  And if it does - we deal with it. 

OK.  I've told you about my two little anxieties. 

Now, I don't need to eat my fear. 

Today, I will eat to nurture my body - not to feed my feelings.

Love you,
Jenn

1 comment:

  1. You must remember that you are the momma bird. It is time for the babies to leave the nest....be kind to Mo and give him quality of life not quantity for you. We love them as they are part if our family too. The non judgemental always happy to see you part. And let me know when the appointment is and I will go with you. Then we will go for facials or toes! Life happens as do the lessons associated.....love you Jenn!

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