Sunday, September 2, 2012

Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other

218.5

I'm continuing to feel like something outside of me is controlling my eating.  I am grateful for that because I don't think I have it in myself to do. 

Today has been a "low key" day.  And if you know me well, you know that - even though I sometimes need a low key day - I don't necessarily do well with them. 

All the things I don't like feelings I run from seem to set in on low key days.  Loneliness tends to settle over me like a fog.  And it's not loneliness that being with friends takes away.  Being with friends makes me not think about it but doesn't make it go away. 

And sometimes - as much as I HATE it - it's important to be with my feelings.  Hah, as a therapist, I've said that to countless people.

Of course, it's much easier to tell someone else that they need to be with their feelings than it is to be with my own.   I'm quite capable of being insightful and reflective but I don't necessarily like it.

Today, I started reading Marianne Williamson's A Course In Weight Loss.  Her first chapter is about how weight gain serves as self-protection as we build walls (weight) around us to protect ourselves from painful emotions.  It's essentially about how we eat our feelings.  The chapter's exercise is to complete the following questions: 
I am ashamed of _____. 
I am angry at _______. 
I am afraid of _______.
I haven't forgiven ______ for _____. 
I judge ______ for _______.
I feel disdain for ________.
I am responsible for _________.
I feel so pressured about _______.
I am exhausted because ________.
I am burdened by _________.
I am stressed by ______.
My heart is heavy because _______.
It isn't fair that I ______.
I feel I need protection from _______.
I am prideful when ________.
I am selfish when ________.
I get jealous when ________.
I get greedy when ________.
I am lazy when _______.
I feel separate from _______.
I don't feel that I can be honest about ________.
I am better than ________.
I feel not as good as _______.
I feel embarrassed because _______.
I have built this wall so that others won't hate me for being beautiful and successful and seeming to have it all _______.

I've thought about this off and on all day but haven't really answered them.  I actually told myself that I was going to go on to Chapter 2 because Chapter 1 is too much like the 4th and 5th Steps of Twelve Step programs and, therefore, I have done them and don't need to do it again. 

But as I sit here and write this shit at midnight, I realize that once again I have lied to myself, conned myself, and stuck my head in the sand. 

And look what it says under each section:  "DO NOT GO UNCONSCIOUS.  Write it all out."

DO NOT GO UNCONSCIOUS.  That's what I've been saying all along.  But that's what I CONTINUE TO DO.  I close my eyes, I go to Jennyland, I lose consciousness.

So, in the name of consciousness, I've just decided that I'm going to answer the questions here.

I am ashamed of my body.  I am ashamed of myself for saying "fuck it" since June.
I am angry at myself for gaining nearly 20 pounds.
I am afraid of many things..... being fat, being lonely, losing Tyler, going for my physical, going to the oncologist, dying.....
I haven't forgiven myself for giving up and backsliding.  I haven't forgiven Charlie for leaving me.
I judge people for their weight.  I judge myself for my weight. 
I feel disdain for myself.
I am responsible for myself.  I am responsible for what goes in my mouth.
I feel so pressured about my finances.
I am exhausted because ?
I am burdened by worry - about Ty and Nina, about Mo and Bootsie, about money, about doctors' appointments......
I am stressed by needed home repairs, lack of money, dying pets, moving children.
My heart is heavy because of Charlie's illness - the fact that the man I knew is gone.  My heart is heavy because of Tyler's choices.  My heart is heavy because of Nina's unhappiness.  My heart is heavy because of Elisa's unhappiness.  My heart is heavy because Mo is old and dying and can't make it up the stairs to sleep with me.
It isn't fair that I can't be in a relationship.
I feel that I need protection from MYSELF.  The part of me that self-sabotages.
I am prideful when I lose weight.  I take all the credit.  And then I fuck up.
I am selfish when I am around food.  I don't want to share.  I'm basically a selfish person.
I get jealous when other people lose more weight than me and when people have more money to play with than me.
I get greedy when I am around food.
I am lazy when ?    I am lazy period.
I feel separate from God.  I feel separate from Tyler.
I don't feel that I can be honest about a choice that I made when I was younger. 
I am better than ?
I feel not as good as most everyone that manages their body by eating right.  I feel not as good as athletic people.
I feel embarrassed because I fucked up.
I have built this wall so that others won't hate me for being beautiful and successful and seeming to have it all ?

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.......

OK.  I did it.  What stands out to me is the heavy heart question.  I do have things that make my heart heavy.   I don't think I pay much attention to that. 

On Facebook tonight, I described myself as having a pity party.  But maybe I'm also honoring my heavy heart.  Honoring it by acknowledging it. 

Tonight, I have sat with my feelings.  I've felt lonely and angry and sad and afraid. 

I've wanted to eat.  I've wanted to drink.  But I haven't.  I went to Sonic by myself - cried in the parking lot - and ate a grilled chicken sandwich. 

I love my friends because they checked on me through Facebook, phone calls, and texts.  But I needed to just sit with my feelings.  And not eat them.



If you've made it this far in reading this, you just HAVE to win a prize.  I'm sorry to lay my emotional drivel on you. 
Love you,
Me.


2 comments:

  1. Dearest Jennifer, I live your blog. It reminds me of me. Yep, I have all those same questions but I have answered many of them. This week I felt very lonely and extremely over burdened. It was hard I cried and in the end it was good. I needed the lesson of it can always be worse and to be reminded how lucky I actually am and in a more humble way. Yes I would live to have more money to fabulous things with but I don't need that temporary fix. I gave plenty and as I wrote a check to have my house stuccoed(which I am not happy with) I am glad I have savings to be able to do it. And I got a refrigerator for my worthless low life brother son of my mother and the favorite . Not because it is a gift of love but because on Sundays when he takes her all day he can give her a cold drink or some ice for her water . And when he does not thank me I will be ok...I did a good thing. Yes Jenn you and I are survivors of things not good....but we are friends! And I love having good friends......

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  2. Jen Hang in there! If the journey is still hard then it is not over! Don't beat yourself up for having feels or hiding from some of them WE ALL DO THAT! I can hide from whole situations I don't like and often do........
    Love ya,
    Daphne

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