Sunday, December 9, 2012

Feeding My Feelings

My feelings have been quite hungry today.  They have demanded to be fed.  A lot.  A lot of bad stuff.

I am blogging with the knowledge that 'confession is good for the soul' and in hopes that confessing today's behavior will squelch it. 

I am sad.  And hopeless.  Someone I love is very ill.  The situation is dire and has no possible positive outcome.  Right now, he is unresponsive in an ICU unit.  It seems his future holds two possibilities:
* remaining in an unresponsive state until he passes without knowing that his family is surrounding
   him, valuing him, and loving him, or
* becoming lucid enough to be told that he has numerous physical ailments that are shutting down his
   body including an aggressive cancer that has most likely metastasized. 

I find myself selfishly hoping that he becomes lucid while I am visiting this week so I can tell him how he's always been my hero.  A bright jewel in my life.  The one person in my life who can make me feel unbridled joy. 

Then I go to a unselfish place where I just want God to take him.  I believe that he is visiting with God right now while his body lies in the hospital struggling to survive this crisis.  When I think about what would be best for him, I think his visit should just become permanent.  He should pass without knowing how ill he is. 

Heh.  In writing that paragraph, two things become clear.
1.  I'm stupidly tiptoeing around the word die.  I'm not saying it because I don't want it to be true.  I don't want him to die.  Saying pass somehow makes the act of no longer being in my world more palatable. 
2.  I'm stupidly playing God.  Thinking I know what's best for him, for us who will be left behind when he is gone. 

Take a deep breath, Jenny. 

All is as it should be.

He knows how loved he is.
You've told him many times how you wish you could give him a mountain, or the moon - a present befitting someone who is able to make you forget all your problems and laugh until you gleefully pee your pants.

I believe in God.
I believe in a loving God.
I believe that he is, right now, in God's arms.
Whether he dies without regaining consciousness or becomes lucid and has to face his mortality head on - he will remain in God's arms.  Either way. 

And everything will be as it should be. 

I don't need to try to fix it.
I don't need to eat it.
I don't have to feed it.

Pray for all of us.

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