Friday, December 21, 2012

Toxic

I feel toxic.

That's the only way I know to put it. 

I feel like my body is full of poisons.  And it is!  I have been eating such crap - all the crap I can get my hands on - since Doak died.  Actually since I went to Texas to see Doak before he died. 

Everything.....

Thousands and thousands and millions and billions of calories. 

For the past eleven days. 

You can get pretty toxic in eleven days. 

It makes me feel....
headachy
muscle achy
lethargic
sleepy
continuously hungry!
nauseated
stuffed
bummed
hopeless
guilty
uncomfortable in my clothes
uncomfortable out of my clothes
out. of. control.

I've eaten....
breakfast burritos
enchiladas
fudge
cookies
pumpkin pie
BLT's
french fries
pretzels
candy
popcorn
rice krispie treats
donuts
marshmallows
french vanilla lattes
ice cream


And that is just today.

It has truly been one of my infamous "welli'mnothappywithmyliferightnowsoimjustgonnadowhatevericantomakemyselfevenmoremiserable"
moments.

For the first twelve hours of the past eleven days, I jokingly (though morbidly) said I was eating for me and Doak.  Then Doak died.  Damn it.

I miss him.  But I'm sure that he would much prefer that I memorialize him in some other way than having to develop extra skin to cover my increase in fat cells.

Doak would want to be memorialized in a way that was much more fun than eating to the point of discomfort.   He would prefer something to do with laughter, I'm sure.

I found this wonderful saying on Facebook yesterday.  I put it in my phone and posted it to my Facebook page.  But I have ignored it.  Until now.  The saying is....

BINGE TOMORROW.  NOT TODAY.  READ THIS AGAIN TOMORROW. 

Can I hear this now?  Can I heed this now?

I don't know.  But I do know that I've got to quit hiding from my blog.   And from my scales.  That doesn't help.

So here I am.  In all my glory.  And my tight clothes.

But there is one good thing.  I haven't drank.  

Love y'all.
Jenn

3 comments:

  1. Jen Christmas will be over soon and life will go on. You and I are alike in that I get my comfort from food. You will never "get over" Dork's death but you will learn to go on. Everytime he comes to mind just put a smile on your face and say a little prayer and thank God for putting him in your life. Then go DO something in his memory instead of putting food in you mouth in his memory. Just a thought.

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  2. Jen Christmas will be over soon and life will go on. You and I are alike in that I get my comfort from food. You will never "get over" Dork's death but you will learn to go on. Everytime he comes to mind just put a smile on your face and say a little prayer and thank God for putting him in your life. Then go DO something in his memory instead of putting food in you mouth in his memory. Just a thought.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That one thing is huge and you know it. Have you read Potatoes not Prozac? Makes the connection between alcohol & sugar in an illuminating way.
    MB

    ReplyDelete