Tuesday, February 28, 2012

TMI. Who????? Me??????

I feel a compelling need to announce blab (of course) that tonight was the first time in a long time.....

THAT I GOT OUT OF THE BATHTUB LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

I didn't have to do that fat thing of turning around on my hands and knees and basically crawling out of the tub like someone hanging by their fingertips on a canyon rim.

Sorry for the visual, folks.

Thank you, weight loss and increased arm strength (Yay, Jazzercise!).

It's these small things that keep the motivation up. You might not understand unless you belong to the truly fat club, like me.

(You poor skinny people.)

Out of many blessings today, three more were weight related:

1. I spent the whole day at my office sitting on this ball.
It's really quite comfortable once you're able to get close enough to your desk to use your computer. That's the hard part.

And, if you keep your legs together, you can feel your thighs and abs getting a little workout.

2. After work, I got up my nerves to actually try some of the exercises on the ball that Patti taught us yesterday in Jazzercise.

Like leaning back on it and trying to do crunches. Yeah, right.
And laying all over it.

3. Barb (who can talk me into nearly anything - both good and bad) talked me into taking a mile and a half walk in 36 degree weather with wind gusts up to 65.
I'm glad I'm gullible and easily influenced. Thanks, Barb!

These blessings more than make up for the fact that, this morning, I was back to 211. My body must really like 211. And this was after making good choices yesterday!

This is just proof that seeing weight loss on the scales isn't everything. Bathtub-getting-out skills are just as important!

Love,
Clean Jenny

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Choices, Consequences, and Other Sundry Sunday Thoughts

Today I went shopping again in my back room closet. I was able to fit into a size 16 dress that's been hanging back there for quite a while! I tried it on with sandals with heels that I can now walk in because my knee doesn't hurt.

Granted, it's a dress that I last wore in 1991. It's got shoulder pads and is definitely out of style. But I'm damn well gonna wear it as soon as I iron it!

Expect a picture of it later in the week. I was going to take a picture today but the dress was all wrinkly and I haven't brushed my hair today (even though it's 2:30 in the afternoon), and my legs are all dry and scaly. I decided not to subject you to that.

Isn't it wonderful when we can say the word "consequence" and smile at the same time? Being able to fit into the size 16 dress is a consequence of me making some right choices. It's a consequence of the decisions that I made this weekend. Last night, I chose not to go to Scott's party because I knew I wouldn't make good choices about what went into my mouth. Instead, I had a lovely evening taking a mile-long walk with Barb and then going to dinner with Gay and her grandkids. I know Scott's party would have been a blast. But Scott will have other parties when I am at a place in my life where the fun will be worth the added pounds. Right now, I'm pretty focused on getting as close to 200 as I can.

Today has been an unusual kind of Jenny day. I haven't left my house. I've read and watched movies on tv while CROCHETING a blanket for my dog. I also searched for (and found) my embroidery supplies. Like crocheting, I haven't embroidered anything in twenty-five or thirty years.

But I'm determined to develop some new habits.

I also yelled at my son on the phone. Not so proud of that.

But they didn't build Rome in a day.

Love,
Jenn

Friday, February 24, 2012

Making Weekend PLANS Against My Will

I don't wanna make weekend plans.... (whineeeee.....)
I just want to play my eating by ear....... (sigh....)
I want to be spontaneous....... (pout.....)
I wanna be surprised by what I put in my mouth....... (OMeffingG!)

Those really are the thoughts going through my mind. It's immaturewhinycrybabylovestohavefunlet'sgetitON me trying to trick tryingtobeeffingmatureandskinnyandthehatedwordresponsible me.

But this morning, I was NOT 211 pounds. Even after a day of no cheating. The cheating from earlier in the week is catching up with me.

I need to remember that, as an overweight person, I can't get by with cheating. I can't think "oh, this little bit won't matter". I can't be lax.

I've already tried that. I never meant to get this big. It was through all the "cheating", all the "little bits that don't matter", all the closing my eyes to what was going into my mouth.

I HAVE to eat each day with EYES WIDE OPEN.

That doesn't mean that I can't have a cupcake. That doesn't mean I can't have wine.

But, I need to make sure that every thing I put in my mouth is by CONSCIOUS CHOICE.

MY CONSCIOUS CHOICE.



I used to be a Rotarian. Don't laugh.

One of the things I love about Rotary Club is the Four-Way Test. It teaches to ask the following questions in all that we think, say or do …
Is it the TRUTH?
Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?


To borrow from Rotary....
Before I put any food in my mouth, I need to ask myself four questions:
Do I really want this?
Is eating/drinking this going to make me happy with myself or mad at myself?
Is this worth it?
Can I put this off and have it some other time?


The last question is because I have the awareness that sometimes, I stuff huge portions of food that I shouldn't eat into my mouth because I don't think I'll ever get the chance to again.

Where in the hell does that come from?
It sounds like the thoughts of a malnourished, famished child in a Third World country.

Now, I try to remind myself that there will still be cheese enchiladas around next week, next month, next year. I can make the choice to eat them in the future. It's not my last chance.

So, this weekend.

Tonight, I'm working at the theater so I'm going to my safe place, Subway.
Tomorrow, I'm working at the theater so I'm going to my safe place, Subway.
Tomorrow evening, I'm going to a party at Scott's house. There will be food. There will be his home brewed beer. (That I can stay away from.) There will be wine.

I just need to remember EYES WIDE OPEN.


I just need to remember MY CONSCIOUS CHOICE.

I just made a sign to go in my purse where my lipstick is (because you know how frequently I reach in there). It's my Four Questions.
See?

And the other side of the card is P.E.R.F.E.C.T.
Even the elephant.

Love you.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It Feels Good To Not Be A Cheater

I feel like I've fallen into frequent episodes of mild cheating.

I think it's ok to cheat, to reward myself, to give into my cravings. The problem is the frequency. When I cheat over and over during one day - even "mild" cheating can end up with the caloric amount similar to an extra full course meal.

I tend to not do things in small amounts so I've got to be hypervigilant about not going overboard. Yesterday, I went from eating three large helpings of watermelon that I later figured out had been sugared to improve the taste, to eating 25 M&M's that I metistically counted out 10 at a time, to half of an amazing cupcake.

Doing one of any of those would have been ok. It's the frequency that's the problem for me.

Today,I've gone the whole day without cheating. No candy, no portion control problems, no trying to sneak around behind my own back. (Which I gotta tell you, really doesn't work for me.).

I feel in control. Not like food is in control.

By spring break the first week of April, I want to comfortably be under 210. This SHOULDN'T be a problem as its only one or two pounds. But it is a hurdle. Especially when I have a pattern of self-sabotage any time I reach 211.

And then I want to be below 200 when school gets out on May 25th.

Those are my goals. To meet them, I have to remember my new vocabulary of very un-Jenn like words.
Vigilance
Determination
Consciousness
Mindful
Choice

I wish I could tattoo these words on my face so I'd see them every time I looked in the mirror (which, like any good princess, I do a lot.)

Or maybe I could just use Post-its.

Yay, me,for having a WHOLE day of good choices. Now, if the scale would just say 211 again tomorrow.

Love,
Hopeful Jenn

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Another Level Of Honesty

Tomorrow is the first day of Lent. I'm no longer a practicing Episcopalian. I'm not a practicing anything.

In the last year, I've been to the Episcopal Church, the Assemblies of God Church, the Lutheran Church, and the Unitarian Church. I've repeatedly planned to go to the Unity Church but haven't ever made it because it's in Santa Fe and I don't seem to be able to get there before the service starts.

I believe in God. That's all I know. I don't know what else I believe. I'm open to the idea of Jesus, Buddha, and lots of other stuff. But all I know for sure is that I believe in a higher consciousness, a higher power - that I choose to call God.

My Southern Baptist upbringing says "YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL FOR BLOGGING THAT!"

But... I'm not really blogging about this to open a religious can of worms....

I want to talk about Lent.

As an Episcopalian, I always gave up something for Lent to show that God was more important to me than things in the material world. I don't know if that's the real purpose of Lent, but it's how I viewed it.

Today, I was thinking about Lent.

My first thought was "I should give up Facebook". And, you know what? I decided against it.

I DECIDED AGAINST IT!

What does that say about me and my priorities?

Then I thought I'd give up ketchup. And cheese. And alcohol. All together.

But... I'm very aware that if I'm not willing to give up the first thing that came to my mind - and therefore something that is important to me - why give up anything at all?

It doesn't sound very good to say
"I gave up something of medium importance for God".
"I gave up my fourth favorite thing to do for God."
"I gave up my second favorite food for God."


But that's what ketchup and cheese and alcohol feels like.

I really need to process this. (That's therapist talk for obsessively ruminate about it in my head.)

I'm not really liking myself a whole lot right at the moment.

Love,
I-need-to-get-my-head-out-of-my-butt-Jenny

211

Why is 211 a hurdle for me?

This is the second time in two weeks that I've gotten to 211
and
then
fucked
up.

It's like there is a block here. A brick wall. A policeman with a stop sign yelling "go no further!"

And the last two weeks isn't the only time that 211 has been a hurdle.

The summer I turned 40. On Jenny Craig. I got to 211 and then stopped.

Or started - depends on how you look at it.

211
2+1+1=4
Two hundred eleven
Two one one
Eleven more than two hundred

I can't figure it out.

Tonight, my friend, Cindy, and I planned to go to Subway. That's been the plan for a week. I texted her this afternoon and said "We can go wherever you want", all the time thinking "I hope it's not Subway, I hope it's not Subway, I hope it's not Subway".

We ended up at DeColores where I had a grilled chicken sandwich with Swiss cheese, a salad with ranch dressing, a few chips, and THREE glasses of wine.

It could have been worse. I could have gone back to old behavior and had cheese enchiladas with an egg and all the fixings, a basket of chips, sopapillas, and three glasses of wine.

But, whether it was enchiladas or a grilled chicken sandwich, it still
FELT LIKE A SABOTAGE
in my head.

My - head/heart/diet gauge - was not in the right place.

I could FEEL it.

Do you know what I mean??

Well, it's over. I've got to pull up my panties (I think that must be a mixture of pull up my bootstraps and put my big girl panties on) and let go of it.

Dwelling on it isn't going to help. Feeling guilty isn't going to help. Flogging myself isn't going to help.

As of right now - 7:58 on a Tuesday night - it is the beginning of a new day.

For reals.

Besides, I have another blog that I have to write.

Love,
Jenn

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Why I Need To Blog

I am one sneaky little person.

(OK. Well, not 'little'.)

I always think I can sneak by myself and do things without me finding out.

I guess that only makes sense if you're in Jennyland.

Yesterday was Exhaustion Saturday at the theater, meaning that we were going to be there all day for the first rehearsal with lights, sound effects, and costumes. There was a potluck.

There was a POTLUCK.

If I had blogged a plan...... well, I would have been more likely to HAVE a plan if I'd blogged one. Right?

As I was, I got off on the wrong mindful eating foot by stopping to get a breakfast burrito on my way to rehearsal because I was running late.

I have had one other breakfast burrito in the last four months and that one I just ate the insides in a bowl.

This one....... Well, I didn't have a bowl. Does that justify me eating the W.H.O.L.E thing?

At 1:30, we broke for the potluck. Without thought, without planning, without consciousness, without willpower - I ate green chili chicken enchiladas, pasta salad, a taquito, guacamole, a cream puff ("gluten-free" but I don't guess that matters since I can eat gluten), and about eight amazingly wonderful homemade molasses cookies. And some of that stuff, I ate two helpings.

And I have to be honest. I wasn't unconscious. I was talking to my fellow blogger, B, about eating unconsciously the whole time I was consciously eating unconsciously.

(Again, that sentence makes sense only in Jennyland.)

B said, "You're just going to have to write today off." And I did.

After eight and a half hours at the community theater, I left to go immediately to the high school auditorium to watch the ballet, Dracula.

At 9:45 P.M., Donna and I went to Sonic for supper - five hours later than I'm used to eating supper. Surprisingly (after the day I had), I just got a grilled chicken sandwich and a diet limeade.

The WONDERFUL, GIFT-FROM-GOD, NEW BEHAVIOR, I-CAN'T-BELIEVE-I-DID-THIS-RIGHT thing is that, today, I'm back to conscious, mindful behavior.

That really is amazing for me. Historically, I am a "Well-I-screwed-this-shit-up-so-I-might-as-well-just-blow-the-whole-thing-off" kind of person.

I DIDN'T DO THAT.

Cool, right?????

This morning, I was up from 211 to 214 but it's OK. I'm OK. If I can't get through days of making mistakes, I will never ever be successful.

Mistakes are part of it.

I can do this.

Love,
Jenn

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

BINGEING IN OTHER WAYS. (YEAH, I KNOW LOTS OF THEM!)

Happy Singleandhappywithit Day!

Happy Blah Blah Blah Blah Fuck This Shit Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I did pretty good today - it being the day of rich creamy food and chocolate.

I had a big candy-coated pretzel that was wonderful. The candy was just at one end of the pretzel stick. Kind of like this but prettier.

I PLANNED to just eat the pretzel end but, before I knew it - BANG! The whole thing was gone!

And, I also had a heart-shaped sucker that our attendance clerk, when she saw me walking down the middle school hallway with it in my mouth, said "Wow, that looks professional!" ;-)

Well, it is Valentine's Day.

For dinner, I had grilled salmon, a baked potato with ketchup and salsa, and two glasses of wine.

Could have been a lot worse, huh?

Well, I did binge in another way. Won't make me gain weight, didn't cost any money, but STILL!

I really do think it was replacement bingeing!

Have you ever heard of Freecycle? Most communities have it. It's an internet group where people can offer things that they no longer want, for free, to others. It's a wonderful network! I've "regifted" many things that I no longer had use for and received items that I needed, but couldn't afford.

Freecycle notices come up on my email, on my iPhone numerous times a day.

The problem is that, sometimes, I arbitrarily respond to Freecycle offers without really engaging my brain.

Today, I was the first one to respond, and therefore the "lucky winner", of a 4' artificial pre-lighted Christmas tree and a trunk full of Christmas decorations.

Now, I am the person who, in the last 10 years, has downsized from a 3200 square foot house with a garage to a 1300 square foot house with a parking pad. I am the person who has to leave half of my current Christmas decorations in my shed because there's no place to put them.

Now, I've doubled my number of Christmas bins.

On Valentine's Day, I have binged on Christmas decorations.

I guess it's better than candy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Ho, Ho, Ho,
Jenn

Monday, February 13, 2012

GOALS FOR SINGLEANDHAPPYWITHIT WEEK!

Today = 211

YAY!

Goals for the week:

1. Don't be TOO facetious about Valentine's Day. (Must remember that it makes me looks BITTER.)

WHO, ME? BITTER??????????


2. Jazzercise - Monday, Jazzercise - Wednesday. Those I'll commit to, but hopefully, I'll get more exercise in.

3. Eat at Subway tonight before Bunco. Try to keep my hands away from my face tonight during Bunco!

I wish y'all could see the temptations at Bunco. When you first get there, you eat. Then once the game begins, you go from table to table. There is snacky stuff - DELICIOUS snacky stuff - at every table. I really don't know how to not keep putting things into my mouth. My hand and arm are like an old oil well in Texas - constantly going up and down between a bowl --- any bowl --- and my mouth.

I came up with the wonderful idea of eating pomegranates during Bunco. But, now the grocery store doesn't carry pomegranates! Maybe I should take some sunflower seeds that I'll have to work at to eat.

Or maybe I could just try self-control.

Nah.

4. Keep any celebrating on Singleandhappywithit Day LOW CALORIE. That means... easy on the wine, easy on the food.

I want to celebrate but it's not like it needs to be a humdinger!

I need to remember that I AM single. Officially, what I call Singleandhappywithit Day is known as Singles Awareness Day, or S.A.D., for short. Google it! There's all sorts of hearts with tears and broken hearts.

WTF? In general, I was a more sadder, more lonely person when I was married.

I truly am happy 95% of the time with my single status.

Here's what I do miss:
1. Waking up in the night and being alone in the house. But kids or a roommate can remedy that. I don't miss someone in bed with me. It's not like there's any room for anyone else between me and Mo and Bootsie.
2. Having a Mr. Fixit that I don't have to pay for.
3. Having another paycheck. (And having a partner doesn't guarantee that!)
4.

That's it! Can't think of any thing else I miss right now.

Dear Lord, just let me not eat any lonely feelings that crop up on Valentine's night. Help me remember...

Stop It, Jenny!


Love (inasingleandhappywithitsortofway),
Jenn
Heh. Couldn't help myself.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Personal Myths

I define personal myths as my attitudes and beliefs that guide my behavior and the reality that I set up for myself. I've been trying to develop awareness about my personal myths that get in the way of my weight and my health.

Some personal myths are true, and many are false. I think that, at times (scary times in Jennyland), these unconscious personal myths (the false ones and the true ones) really impact that decisions I make on a daily basis about what to put in my mouth and what I do, in general.

Bear with me while I think out loud and try to wrap my head around how I sabotage myself.

MYTH #1... Weight loss is a sign of illness.
I actually think that I got this as a child in the '60's seeing the Seven Signs Of Cancer posted everywhere. Does anyone else remember what a big awareness campaign that was in the late '60's and early '70's? I was probably more attuned to it, being the Little Child Hypochondriac that I was. It seems I saw it everywhere and that, along with Reader's Digest articles on "I Am Joe's (Body Part)", greatly added to my sense of doom after my dad died.

Little Jenny still believes that weight loss is a sign of illness. Grown-up Jenn knows that a significant weight loss in a short period of time when you're not trying to lose weight can be a sign of illness.

Those are two different statements. But, sometimes, I can only hear Little Jenny.

MYTH #2... Skinny people aren't as healthy.
Growing up, I spent every other weekend with my happy, healthy, jolly, smiley, FAT grandmother and my sickly, couldn't-get-out-of-bed-except-to-get-into-his-chair, grumpy, nearly deaf, weak, SKINNY grandfather.

My grandmother and her offspring focused on eating as the remedy for all of life's ills.

Oh, you're sad? Here. Eat this chicken-fried steak.

Oh, you've got a cough? Drink this vinegar and honey tonic and have some spaghetti.

Oh, you've got chicken pox? Potato salad will make you feel better.

Oh, you feel like you're going to throw up? Have some chocolate pie.

Little Jenny still associates having a good appetite and being overweight with general well-being. Big Jenn knows that's a crock.

MYTH #3... If I try to eat 6 small meals a day, I will eat more.
Is it a myth if I still believe it? I THINK this is a myth because everyone says so but I can't get onboard with the six small meals a day as a way to lose weight. When I try to do it, it ends up being three snacks and three hefty meals.

I can't "get" the idea of little meals.
Little meals are snacks.

So, is this a personal myth or is this a personal reality?

MYTH #4... I can't "diet".
This is a myth that I believe is true.

If I say I'm going on a diet, I IMMEDIATELY, and I mean I.M.M.E.D.I.A.T.E.L.Y., am struck by such severe cravings that I eat and eat and eat.

It's like in James Bond or Pink Panther movies where someone has been been hypnotized and given a specific word that sets off a certain behavior. "Diet" sets off cravings. "Diet" sets off compulsive eating.

Anytime I say "I'm not going to eat anymore (blank)", I have to have more (blank) RIGHT THEN. And I have to keep eating (blank) until I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to eat it. Then I can stop.

MYTH #5... It is not healthy for me to sweat and get out of breath.
What do people do when they have heart attacks?? Sweat. Get out of breath.
What do people do when they are about to hurl?? Sweat. Get out of breath.
What do people do when they are being held hostage? Sweat. Get out of breath.
What do people do when they have to give a speech in front of a crowded room? Sweat. Get out of breath.

And you want me to SWEAT AND GET OUT OF BREATH???

When I exercise, I literally have to remind myself that "it's OK to breathe hard." Maybe it's all part of my princess thing. A true princess should be able to have someone else exercise for her. I've tried that with my kids. It doesn't work.

MYTH #6... You can only go so long without something bad happening in your life.
Like many people, I experienced trauma at an early age. My dad died in front of me when I was eight. My mother had alcoholic convulsions and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital when I was fifteen. There was concern that my son had a brain tumor when it was discovered he was partially blind when I was thirty-two. My mom died when I was thirty-seven.

I know that lots of people have early trauma - much earlier than me, and much more traumatic. Maybe this doesn't happen to everyone but, for me, it has left me enveloped in a life-long sense of vulnerability. That's where Little Jenny resides.

I know that the sense of vulnerability is terribly tied into my unconscious, compulsive eating. I don't understand all the connections, but I know they're there.

And the personal myth part is that being full and being fat are not going to keep life at bay. Life, both the ebbs and the flows, happens whether you're fat or skinny.

MYTH #7... Fat = healthy in babies and old people.
As a children's protective worker, I saw many malnourished, skinny babies who were identified as being "failure-to-thrive". As a social worker, I've met skinny elderly people in hospitals and nursing homes who were identified as being "failure-to-thrive".

Little Jenny, who lives inside of me and is forever hypervigilant, therefore associates anything not skinny as thriving.

Little Jenny's misconception here is that not skinny is the same as overweight. I forget that there is a whole spectrum between skinny and fat.

I googled and learned that I won't be considered just "overweight" until I get down to 190 pounds. Right now, I'm at 212 and am considered "obese".

I hate that word.

But, I also learned that, at 244, I was considered "morbidly obese".

I am grateful that I am not "morbidly obese" now. But I probably don't have to worry about being "skinny", or even "not skinny" during this lifetime.

If I could get in the "normal" range on the BMI chart, I would be ecstatic. But, you know what? I'll be happy every day that I can just stay in the "overweight" range. I'd prefer to be in the lower end or the middle of the range, but I'll take every day that I'm not considered "obese" as a gift.

The weird thing here is - why do I have a childhood myth about the dangers of being too skinny, and not the dangers of too fat?

Is it because of my grandmother? She was forever on a diet - drinking Frescas and putting saccharine tablets in her tea.

If I was as scared of being too fat as I am scared of being too skinny......
Well, this would be a different blog because I tend to let fears rule my life! I wouldn't be fat if I was as scared of it as I should be!

MYTH #8... Gaining = getting better.
Again, it's like old reel-to-reel tapes in my head....
Talking about a baby.... "Yes, it's good. He's gaining weight."
Talking about my aunt with cancer.... "Yes, it's good. She's gaining weight."
Talking about my grandfather.... "Yes, it's good. He's gaining weight."

GIVE IT UP, JENNY! It's time to destroy those old reel-to-reels! Start listening to your new-fangled iPod with affirmations talking about YOU!
"Yes, it's good. She's LOSING weight!"

MYTH #9... Fat = happy, jolly.
Famous happy, fat people....
...and animals...
....and images....
....and me.....

Famous skinny, grumpy people...

NOW, WHICH PARTY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO?

But, again, as a grown-up, I know that fat doesn't guarantee happiness. If you read the literature, it quite the opposite. Studies show that, in general, skinny people are happier than overweight people. Contrary to the lies and justifications that I tell myself. And contrary to what Santa looks like.

MYTH #10... I'm not going to live long.
This is a personal myth that I've carried with me since I was eight. I think that, as a result of my dad's death (or maybe just some undiagnosed learning disability on my part), I've never been able to imagine myself in the future.

When I was a kid, I couldn't imagine myself as a teenager.
As a teenager, I couldn't imagine myself grown-up and married.
As a married woman, I couldn't imagine myself as a parent.
Now, as a parent, I can't imagine myself as a grandparent.
I can't imagine myself as retired.
I can't imagine myself as elderly.

And, in Jennyland, if you can't imagine or picture the future, it's probably not there.

History has taught me that this is not true. I mean, I made it to adulthood and marriage and kids. I have had a future whether I've been able to imagine it or not.

But, my sense of not having a future has impacted my life in some significantly negative ways.
1. I think it's made me live my life pretty hedonistically. I've bought/ate/gotten/done what I wanted when I wanted to.
2. It's affected my ability to understand why I should SAVE money for my old age.
3. It's made me live my adult life out loud, not using the "proper" boundaries and filters of someone who worries about a long-term reputation.

But, it's also positively impacted my life.
1. It's made me want to connect with people, to fill my life, to always say 'I love you', to hug, to create families out of friends.
2. It's made me not put off until later (retirement, more money, children gone, whatever) that which brings me joy and happiness.

But, it does haunt me. I'm now ten years older than my dad when he died and twelve years younger than my mother when she died.

But, that's where the myth comes in. I carry my parents' genes, but I also carry the genes of their parents. And their siblings. My grandparents all lived well into their 70's and 80's.

I can make having their genes a part of my belief system. Having my parents' genes may be my reality, but it may not be.

I want to be able to visualize, and plan, for my retirement. I want to plan for my grandbabies. And I want to experience it all.

Losing weight will decrease my early death risk factors and will probably increase my longevity. I realized a few years ago that you really never see an elderly fat person. Have you ever noticed that?

********************************************************************************
I want you to know that I've written this blog post over the last four or five days. It hasn't been a fun post to write. It hasn't just popped out of me like they usually do. But, I felt like I needed to try to pick apart my myths and how they hurt me and I wanted you to come on the journey.

Please give me feedback. I know that sometimes I come across totally crazy. I know that sometimes, I am totally crazy. But I know that you are, too.

Love,
Long-winded Jenn

Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Conscious-Eating-Guardian-Angel Had To Go Into Overdrive

Today was a good food day.

Not good food in the sense of good choices. A good food day in the sense of YUMMY FOOD!

It was kind of like going down a water slide for me. I couldn't catch myself.

Here's what happened....

First, we had a potluck at work. Chicken, mashed sweet potatoes, soup, pea salad, broccoli salad, shrimp......

Then chicken, mashed sweet potatoes, pea salad, broccoli salad, hummus.....

And THAT was just lunch.

THEN, we had 8th grade girls' group. My friend Jen was our "guest speaker". She brought homemade strawberry cupcakes and all her decorating supplies because the girls wanted to learn how to decorate cakes.

My plan was to be mature and grown-up and professional and WATCH.

Here's some of the beautiful cupcakes.

But, I couldn't help myself. I've never gotten to play with decorating tools! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

Here's my cupcake:
Obviously, I'm not very skilled at it.

And, I have to be honest. That was my SECOND CUPCAKE. The first one went into my mouth so quickly I didn't get a picture of it.

Anyway, here's where my guardian angel came in. As the afternoon wore on, I decided to go to Happy Hour at DeColores after work for a couple of glasses of wine, salsa, probably some beans or tacos....

I actually had that horrible compulsive overeater thought of "Well, I've already screwed up the day."

But somehow, I didn't. Maybe it was Barb calling and asking if I wanted to go to Sonic. Maybe it was the fact that I have community theater rehearsal tonight. Maybe it was the fact that my jeans were killing me.

Whatever........ Barb and I went to my safe place (Subway) for a sandwich and Sonic for a diet soda.

I feel like my Conscious-Eating-Guardian-Angel caught me at the bottom of the water slide - right before I landed in the deep water.

Love,
Wet-But-Not-Drowned Jenn

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

1x

I don't feel good and I'm crabby and all stopped-up and sleepy........

But.

I'm wearing a new size 1x shirt and size 1x sweater.

I don't think I can wear ALL size 1x shirts but, even being able to wear one, is better than the size 4x that I've been wearing for years.

I'm happy about that.

Love,
Sickly Jennly

Saturday, February 4, 2012

HELP! The Super Bowl Hasn't Even Started And............................................... I'm Already Losing!! (And I'm Not Talking Weight!)

After blogging about my plan on how to win the Super Bowl, I confidently went to a birthday dinner for my friend, Kara, where

I

Totally

Got

Off

Track.


First, I got into the Brie and crackers.

Then, I had TWO helpings of salmon. That's OK even though it was a lot.

I also had two helpings of mashed sweet potatoes. They were soooooooo good and buttery.

Then I had wine. And wine.

And I topped it off with a piece of wonderful chocolate cake from Trader Joe's. I can't believe it was store-bought. It was so moist and sweet and chocolatey.

And finally, I stuffed three Trader Joe's dark chocolate truffles in my mouth as I was walking out the door.

I pretty much ate UNCONSCIOUSLY. UN-VIGILANTLY. UN-MINDFULLY. All the UN words that I trying to work against.

OK. Pull it together.

* First, forgiveness. It's over, it's done, I can't go back and redo it. I've just got to learn the lessons from it.

Love,
Chocolatey Jenn

Super Bowl Sunday: Who Will Win The Game? Me Or The Party??

I'm going to my friend Jen's Super Bowl party tomorrow.

If there was a football game in Jennyland, it would be...

ME vs. PARTY TABLE LADEN WITH FOOD

And it would be UNFAIR competition because it would be one person (little ole me) against a lot of little food boogers. They're like tiny, short, fast-running football players (Quarterbacks?) who run so fast into your mouth and make a touchdown before you even know it!

And they tend to run in packs. It's like a whole herd of quarterbacks making touchdowns as I stuff thing after thing after thing into my mouth.

And Jen....... She is my close friend, but she is also a BAKER. And a damn good one, if I say so myself. She's making Chocolate Peanut Butter cupcakes and Strawberry Champagne cupcakes.

I plan to stay across the field from those little quarterbacks.

Jenn's also making chicken empanadas and queso. Lene is bringing pulled pork. Someone else is making jalapeno poppers........ Mmmmmm, my mouth is watering just thinking about the opposing team........

That's a bad sign.

And let me tell you about the amazing drinks that Jen found on Pinterest and is making.

Dreamcicle Mimosas....... can't you just feel that melting on your tongue?

....... and Pink Panty Droppers made of Crystal Light lemonade (now THAT'S dietetic), 7-Up, vodka, and Coors Light! I see those as the CHEERLEADERS of the opposing team. But, in my Jennyland football fantasy, cheerleaders get to make touchdowns!

Unfortunately, I like the cheerleaders..........

Now, my team really isn't just ME. I've already delivered my starting lineup over to Jen's house:

* A BIG plate of shrimp and cocktail sauce. This is my finest quarterback because...................................... well, just because.
* A plate of carrots, tomatoes, broccoli, and crappy Ranch dressing (the best kind for a diet).
* Asparagus salad - got it in the deli and it has a lot of dressing but still looks like less calories than a cupcake.
* Diet Dr. Pepper............. OK! Annnndddd, vanilla vodka to make diet vanilla Dr. Pepper.
* I wanted to take pomegranates but there were none to be found in our little town. So, I'm taking pomegranate wine. (That little football food booger is actually probably gonna make a touchdown for the opposing team! AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS ALLOWED!)

So, right now, tomorrow's game feels pretty much like a toss-up. I've got some good players on my team but - well, to be truthful, I'd welcome some of those hot quarterbacks on the other team with open arms...

If it looks like we're going to have to call the game because the other team is winning by hundreds of points, I can just come home and get in my safe zone, my bed. It may reach that point.

And, by the way, I AM FOR THE PATRIOTS BECAUSE THEY HAVE A PLAYER FROM TEXAS TECH!
WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!

Love,
Non-athletic-Jenn-trying-to-play-football-with-the-big-boys.....

Friday, February 3, 2012

Comparisons - And Can't Tell Any Difference Yet

Give it time, give it time, give it time..........
It will happen.


Right?




Before
After

Before
After

Before
After

Before
After

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

OK. And This Was Just After One Margarita

Just got back from a successful dinner out where I had a bowl of beans, a salad, and one margarita.

But I came home and did this:











This is how much weight I've lost. This is 31 pounds.

If you ever happen to need this information, 31 pounds is a case of cat food, a George Foreman grill, a juicer, a Texas-shaped waffle iron, a large jar of peanut butter, and a big thing of sugar.

And yes, kitchen appliances were hurt and mistreated in this experiment.

But it doesn't matter because I very seldom use them.

I can't believe I used to carry all that stuff around with me!

Love,
Lighter Jenny