Monday, May 21, 2012

Why I Took My Clothes Off And Put Them In The Trash

Hello, it's Mz No Boundaries here........

I want to tell you about today's clothing problem.  Because it has to do with fat.  Mine. 

Today, I wore a new pair of Size 16 capris and a shirt that I found when I went clothes shopping in my guest room closet that now fits.   (The shirt, not the closet.)

Mid-morning, I decided that I didn't like the "tie" at the waist band of the capris.  I mean, it's not like it actually makes the waist looser or tighter.  It was just there for show. 

So I decided to cut it off while standing at the school secretary's desk.  In front of other people, of course. 

Afterwards, our secretary said, "Jenn, did you mean to cut that hole in your shirt?"

At that point, it was a little hole.  But I had a BIG idea.  I pulled our speech therapist into my office and asked her to cut the hole a little bit bigger to make it look like a heart.  Then, maybe people would think my shirt was supposed to look that way. 

I was obviously delusional at the time. 


The hole looks more like a uvula of a screaming upside down person. 

Or maybe that's my mood. 

I don't think I'm about to start any new clothing trends.

At noon, I went to the district counselors' end-of-the-year luncheon.  Now, I already feel "less than" the other school counselors - not as smart, not as creative, not as everything else.  It's never been a comfortable group for me.  So, today, I added not as well-dressed to the "less than" list.

But the amazing thing about that was that my holey shirt gave me the courage to go ahead and be the REAL me in front of them - ordering salsa to eat with a spoon, pouring ketchup all over my bowl of beans......
It's was like a positive "oh, what the hell...." experience!!!

Yay, me!

After lunch, feeling overwhelmed with progress summaries and frustrated with the fact that NONE of the school printers were working, I decided that my capris were just WAY TOO T.I.G.H.T.  

So, in a continued state of "oh, what the hell....", I just sliced through the waist band with my trusty scissors and spent the afternoon looking like this:

And when I got home, I immediately took off my clothes and threw them away. 

So that is the story of why my clothes are in the trash.

Now at 5:30 pm, I'm sitting in my backyard in the new nightgown that Barb gave me, drinking a glass of wine, and working on the progress summaries.

Life is good.  Well, it's at least a LOT better now that I can breathe.

Love,
MNB



Saturday, May 19, 2012

Run Ragged

I wish you could peek inside my head and listen to this song that's playing there.

It's a song called 'Twarnt Nuthin' from the play that I'm working on.  It's a catchy tune.  Too bad you can't hear it.

Right now, in the depths of my brain, the words have changed to

...Run ragged, run ragged, da, da, da, da, da, da, da....

That's how I feel.

This last week at school has felt like a circus.  A three-ring circus.  I feel like I've been running from ring to ring while balancing fifty plates on my head and juggling raw eggs.
There's:
8th graders who have emotionally checked out a week and a half before school is out.....
7th graders who never checked in.....
progress summaries.....
IEP goal updates.....
retirement parties (OK, I'm not really whining about those)....
class parties (or those, for that matter).....
transition meetings about 6th graders coming to the middle school....
transition meeting about 8th graders going to the high school....
kids with trauma going on in their lives....
lunch duty where I feel like I'm herding 240 puppies)....
fights....
near fights....
girl drama....
pizza orders for "last" groups....
trips to Sonic for "reward" meals (not for me)....
compulsive furniture moving in my office.....

And, it's not nearly as crazy for me as it is for the teachers and our poor administrative staff....

Tomorrow is the last night of the play.  I'M SO G.L.A.D.
Is this how it always is when working for a community theater?  By the time the play is over, I'm soooooooo sick of it!  But, I know that I'll be volunteering for the next one and will get caught up in the excitement of play preparation and rehearsals.

Life is busy.  Very busy right now.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I feel like my life is full.  And I thank God for that.  As I plan for my 40th High School Reunion next month, I think a lot about the shy, quiet, invisible teenager that I was.  I was so full of fear and insecurity.  I was immobilized by it.  My life consisted of two primary emotions - fear and loneliness.  And I didn't think things would ever get any better.

I've been given such a gift.  And, I've been given the opportunity to try to give the gift to others.  I've been set down smack dab in the middle of a bunch of kids who carry the same pain I carried.  But now, most of the time, I am a woman full of confidence and joie de vivre.  I'm not afraid to laugh at myself, I'm not afraid to be different or weird or funky.  I know how to advocate for what I need and want, I am nurturing and valuing.  I've become a person I like.


Who could ask for more?


I know I still carry that pitiful,  lonely, terrified person inside of me.  She's been peeking out more than usual as my high school reunion draws near.   But, rather than feeding her food to ease her anxiety, I've been trying to reassure her.  To reassure me.  I have value.  I have skills.  I have purpose.  No matter how immature I act or pretend to be, I am a grown-up.  I've lived life.  I've lost my parents, I've broken my marriage, I've survived being left for another woman, I've survived cancer, I love my son who is a drug addict, I love my learning disabled, Asperger-y daughter, I raised four very different kinds of children and feel proud of each and every one of them.


I have been blessed.  So blessed.  Rather than whining about my busy life, I should be praising God for giving me the opportunity to live this life.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I Love Porn

Food porn, that is.......

One of my favorite ways to get rid of stress is to .......

go off by myself,
find a dark corner,
be alone with my computer, and
look at......

food.

;-)

My favorite food porn sites are Pinterest, Foodgawker, and Tastespotting.

It's weird but looking at pictures of food meets some psychological need in me.

It's like virtual eating

It's like going to Ross and filling my cart with all sorts of things I want  - - - clothes, purses, kitchen items, frames, pretty towels, shoes, sheets, throw pillows, knick-knacks - - - and then leaving the cart in some random aisle and walking out of the store.

OK!  I promise I've only done that a couple of times!!  Please don't tell me that I'm the only person who has ever does that.

Whether it's Ross or Pinterest, it fulfills the same need.

Maybe it's knowing that I could have those pillows, frames, purses, etc - that makes me not have to have them.   Knowing I could eat that enchilada, banana pudding, malted milk ball cake, loaded slow cooker potatoes, watermelon carved like a lion - makes me not have to eat it.

Whatever, it works......

And in case you were wondering, now that I'm old and take Prozac, food porn is the ONLY kind I'm into.

Love,
Jenn the Chaste

Monday, May 14, 2012

202. Day 2. First Time In 22 Years. (Lots Of 2's.)

Hi everybody!

Today is my second day in a roll of weighing 202!  I haven't been this close to 200 since Tyler was four years old.  That was twenty-two years ago!!

Right now, it's 5:30.  I'm sitting in my office after a day of trying to rearrange my furniture in my free time.

I don't understand the physics of this but I traded my desk for a smaller desk and now don't have enough room.

I'm sitting in the midst of furniture chaos.  Stuff chaos.


And my feet are cold because they are standing on the wet spot left by my full, large Sonic diet strawberry limeade that I just spilled on the carpet.


I didn't go to Curves because I was "too busy"We know about that, don't we.........

And..... Bunco is tonight.


IT'S AN EATIN' KINDA' DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! 


But 202 is motivating me to suck it up, suck it in, and carry on......

I can do this!

Here's the three visuals I'm going to use tonight.....







And my favorite....


 Love,
Jenn





Friday, May 11, 2012

RESOLVED:

That Congress prohibit the use of international intervention in foreign countries.

I've had that in my head since 1970 when I took debate as a high school sophomore!  

That was the national forensic debate topic for the 1969-1970 school year.  I actually dropped the class but I've had the words stuck in my brain since then.  Right next to the song "It's A Small World After All".

Huh.
I just googled it.

It's actually Resolved: That Congress should prohibit unilateral United States military intervention in foreign countries.

Oh, thank God!  That makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE!  For 43 years, I've been thinking What in the hell is international intervention???????

I wonder if I've got the words to "It's A Small World After All" all wrong.......


But anyway....


I like the idea of resolutions.  New Year's Resolutions, birthday resolutions, Monday morning resolutions..... all kinds.  That doesn't necessarily mean I DO them but I like the idea of making up my mind


That's one of my personality traits I'm ambivalent about (speaking of making up my mind)......  I can go with most anything.   You give me the Republican viewpoint and I'll truly think "Yeah, I can see that."  You give me to Democrat viewpoint and I'll honestly think "Yes, I agree".  You tell me that Christianity is the only way and I'll really think "Yes, we're on the same page".  You tell me about Hinduism and I'll absolutely think "Yes, I'm there with you".  You tell me it's best to breast feed until a child is four and I'll genuinely think "Yes, that's the road to attachment".  You tell me that breast feeding a potty-trained child is secondary sexual abuse and I'll duly think "Uh-huh, I'm with ya".

I'm ambivalent about my ambivalence because ......  it makes for a good social worker and a good therapist, I think.

But, it's just so damned wishy-washy!!

And speaking of the Time cover this week, I want to announce to my little blogging world that I only breastfed Tyler for three days.  That's right.  
But we are attached.  In fact, enmeshed.  
Is it possible that if I had breast fed him longer, I could let go of him easier???????

But that's a different blogging topic.  And one I don't want to go into.

Back to resolutions......
Three days ago, I resolved to blog every day for a week and to go to Curves for a month - in order to get myself back on track.... centered... uncockeyed. 


It feels so much better to be resolved about something.  It feels in control.  Like I've reined in the internal wild horses.  Wild pigs.  Whatever. 


The scales aren't showing it yet.  I'm still back up to 206.  But I still feel like I'm facing forward.
Thank you, God.


I love you guys.  No matter your politics, religion, or breastfeeding beliefs.  
Jenn

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Disappointment Tastes Best With Jalapenos

Today I didn't get what I wanted.

I wanted to go to Texas for my 'kinda cousins' reunion on Memorial weekend.  I wanted my daughter or my son or my ex-husband to take care of my old dog.  I was pretty well stuck on it being one of them because it needs to be someone who loves Mo.  Not just someone who will take care of him.

Anyway, they all had other plans.

I found myself going through my usual afternoon duties at work with little Jenny on the inside throwing a temper tantrum.  I mean she was stomping her feet and giving mad dog looks and sticking out her tongue at Nina, Tyler, and Charlie.

I was quite proud of myself for keeping her inside.

When I came home at 5:00, I was STARVING!!!!!  I mean grabbing-stuff-out-of-the-refrigerator-eating-a-whole-can-of-tuna-before-I-even-sat-down starving.  I actually think I still had my purse on my shoulder while I was making the tuna!

I realized that it was disappointment that I was making a tuna fish sandwich for.

Well, if you're going to feed disappointment, tuna is probably a pretty good choice.

I DID eat a whole can of tuna mixed with mustard and pickles, a little bag of Sun Chips, salsa, and pickled jalapenos.

And while eating, I got my priorities straight and reminded myself that - well, in this case - Mo's needs are the most important.  He's old, he's half-deaf, he's half-blind, he's half-senile.........

He needs his family.  Not a stranger and not a kennel.

So if I couldn't go to Texas.... I couldn't go to Texas.  

Now, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.  I could've eaten ice cream and wine and queso and chocolate and mashed potatoes and chicken fried steak and creamed style corn and french fries and a bean burrito.  And cheese enchiladas.

All the stuff that my disappointment really likes.  

But I made a different choice.  And the GREAT THING is that Nina just walked in and said that she's not leaving until the Sunday of Memorial weekend!  I was planning to be back that Monday from Texas so SURELY I can work out a good situation for Mo for one night.

Thank goodness I didn't feed my disappointment creamed style corn and chicken fried steak.

I'd be regretting it.

With love and on my way to Curves,
Grown-up Jenn


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Too Busy To Blog

May 4, 2012

Ohhhhhhhhh, that is such a red flag......

In my week of being too busy to blog, I have NOT been too busy to eat.  This morning, I was up from 204 to 207.

I can't lose sight of this now.

The last week has been full hurriedness, fretfulness, frustration, anger, joy, a few tears, anticipation, dread, worry.....

In my life, there is a direct correlation between the number of emotions experienced and the number of times my hand goes up to my mouth. 

I'm at the point right now where I don't even feel like I can put words into a complete sentence, much less blog.  But I have to do something to center myself again.

Here's what's happening....
* Nina is home for the the next six weeks.  It's wonderful having my daughter home but I'm aware that I eat much differently when she is here.  She is a great cook and enjoys making meals and eating together.  I'm probably eating better now that she's home.  For example, the other night she grilled steaks and topped them with sauteed onions, grilled fresh asparagus, baked potatoes.  I'm sure I eat more when she's here.  My refrigerator is more full than it has been since last August!

Nina is one of those people who basically eats all day, snacks all night and remains a Size 6.  We have totally different body types.  I need to remember that I can't eat like her!!

* The 8th graders at the Middle School are undergoing a transition somewhat akin to the transformation from human to werewolf.  We have two and a half weeks of school left and they are D.O.N.E.  The girls are more histrionic that usual; the boys are more full of testosterone and are strutting their stuff.  This week, every day as soon as the dismissal bell rings, I have been getting in my car and slowly trolling up and down the street between the middle school and the low-income apartments on fight alert.  For reals.  I don't want anyone to get hurt and that seems to be the most testosterone-loaded area of town.

* My enchantment with the local community theater has also undergone a transformation.  I'm working on the stage crew for a production that opens tonight and runs for three weekends.


*********************************************************************************
May 9, 2012

And there I stopped and got back involved in my "busy-ness".

I'm still at 207.  But I really have let life get in the way of blogging.

In other words, I've let life get in the way of writing about life......?

I've got mixed feelings about that.  I believe that living life is more important than documenting it.  Because when I'm documenting it, I'm not actively involved in life.  It's just like, when my kids were younger,  I felt it was more important to interact with them than it was to take videos of them interacting while I was behind the camera.  

But the last eight months have taught me that I have to blog.  Not because I have something important to say......  Not because I want to grow in my writing abilities.....  Not so you can read it......

But because, for some reason, blogging centers me.  It's like wiggling my butt into a comfortable, stable position in a chair, straightening my back, facing forward, closing my mouth, folding my hands, and paying attention.  To who I want to be. 

It's the difference between this........................................................

...................... and this.










Or this......................................................














Both of which I frequently look like.


"I have been too busy to blog." 

But I haven't been too busy to Facebook.  Or Pinterest.  Or drink a glass of wine.  Or text my friends.  Or read my book.  Or go to Sonic. 

Let's just get real honest here ..... OK, Jenny?

You've made choices to do other things rather than what you know helps you make good decisions about food. 

It's OK.  You can start again r-i-g-h-t   n-o-w. 

If I'm not centered, what am I?

Cockeyed?
Askew?
Crooked?
Lopsided?
Twisted?
Bent?

Hmmmmm, maybe those are just different words for what I call "living life with my eyes closed", "unconscious", "fat".

I'm not going there again. 
* I signed up for a free month at Curves.  I'm going for the first time tonight.
* I'm going to commit to blogging every day for the next week.  You don't have to read it.  But I have to write it.

That's all I can commit to right at this moment.  But it's a start.

Love,
Opening-my-eyes-again-Jenn