Friday, September 28, 2012

The Good, The Bad, And The Guilty

Ya wanna hear the good news or the bad news first? 

The bad news?

OK.  I didn't make it to 10,000 steps.  I could give you the reasons but they're just excuses.  I could've done it if I'd made it the big priority.

But with going to the oncologist, my knee, the rain, the blister on the bottom of my foot, the play tonight, and the fact that tomorrow is Saturday - I just didn't make it the priority that it probably should have been. 

I walked 6,144 steps.

But here's the good news.....

For some reason, I haven't been hungry today. 
I had a fat free, sugar free vanilla latte from McDonald's on my way to the doctor this morning.
I went to Blue Corn Cafe for lunch and ate half my chicken taco salad.
OK, OK, OK.... I also ate some chips and guacamole.
I ate the other half of my chicken taco salad for supper.
And that's all I've had.

The chicken taco salad was lettuce, tomatoes, chicken, and beans.  And sour cream (which I initially took off my salad and set it aside but then I put it back on my salad). And more guacamole. 

I have the whole day to myself tomorrow before the play tomorrow night.  I'm hoping to get to go up to the ski hill for Ullr Fest.  If I don't go up there, I'll walk around the park.  Or maybe I'll go to breakfast at the Coffee Booth and then walk around downtown. 

I don't feel too guilty.  In fact, I'm not sure if I feel guilty at all.  But I'm thinking I might should be feeling a little guilty. 

I'm tired of thinking.

It is what it is.

Love you,
Me

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Just Like Superman, TENACITY WINS AGAIN!!!!!



It was a low day.

Tyler left for a weekend in Arizona without his phone so I can't call and check up on him.
Tomorrow is my six-month oncology appointment.
I have to be stage manager for the play this weekend without the usual crew.
Barb is out of town so I had to drive myself to work today and therefore, was late.
I cut my finger pretty bad at lunch trying to open a can of beets.
My knee hurt worse than usual.
I felt like I fucked up something at work because of my difficulty knowing where my job stops. 

Just kind of blah.......

So blah that I didn't walk around the school's track like I had been doing.  I didn't walk around the bus loop like I had been planning.  I tried to get my 10,000 steps in by slowly meandering around the cafeteria at lunch pushing the trash cart up to groups of twelve and thirteen year olds and saying "trash?"

I mean, give me a break.  Do you know how slowly one walks when one is doing lunchroom duty?

By 3:30, I had only walked 5,200 steps.  I rationalized by reminding myself that what I had committed to was FIVE days per week of walking 10,000 steps per day.  Now, when I made that commitment, I was assuming that the days I wouldn't walk that much would be Saturdays and Sundays.  

But, today at 3:30, I told myself that it was OK to not meet my goal because I could walk 10,000 on Saturday.   And I felt resigned to that plan, totally ignoring the twinges of disappointment in myself.

I went to Happy Hour with friends from work and had two beers.  I'm OK about that; and I'm OK about the cereal bowl full of salsa that I ate with a spoon.

What I'm not OK with is the basket of tortilla chips that I ate, WITHOUT SALSA, after I finished my bowl of salsa.

It made no sense.  I made no sense.  It was like eating a bowl of ketchup and then eating dry french fries.  Even I wouldn't do that! 

Eating the chips after eating the salsa was pure-dee mindless eating.  (Can something be mindless if you're aware of it?  Hmmm.)

Then I met Donna for her birthday dinner.  There I made good choices except for the fact that I WAS STILL POPPING DRY TORTILLA CHIPS WITHOUT SALSA INTO MY MOUTH!

You would have thought that I LIKED them!  But I don't!  To me, tortilla chips are worthless except as a medium to get the salsa to your mouth if you don't have a spoon!

On the way home, my disappointment in myself was simmering.  So.......

.... this is where my spontaneous nature is an asset.....

...... I stopped at the park at 8:30 PM, got out of the car, and started walking around the track while listening to Jethro Tull's Aqualung as loud as my little iphone speakers could handle.

I don't even know how many times I walked around the track.  When I got cold and went back to the car, I had gotten up to 9,338 steps for the day.

I came home determined to get up my goal of 10,000.  Because I now have a blister on the ball of my left foot, I walked the last 662 steps on the rug around my dinner table.

That's right.  In a circle.

I even made a video to prove it.


Now I can go to bed with a smile on my face and a feeling of pride because my pedometer says that I walked 10,232 steps today.


One more day where those evil villains Apathy and his twin, Who Gives A Shit, are thwarted in their attempt to rule my head!

TENACITY KICKED THEIR BUTTS!!!!!!!

Love,
One of the good guys......


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

6,445 Steps

It's 3:30 on Wednesday. 

I don't want to give up.

I only walked half a mile on the track this morning.  Every step I take hurts the ball of my left foot.  I'm whiny. 

I DO NOT want to go to Zumba tonight for various reasons:
1.  For the time I'm there, it makes me sweaty and hot and out of breath - all the things I don't like.
2.  It hurts.
3.  I suck at it.
4.  Barb is out of town so I'll have to go by myself. 



But I'll do it anyway.

Afterwards, I'll feel tired, sore...........  but proud.

In my book, pride trumps tiredness and soreness any day.

I can do anything for one hour.
I can do anything for 98 days.

Love,
Grown-up Jenn who is holding down the internal fort today.




98 Days To Go

Today, I could hardly move my body.

It wasn't like "Wow!  I'm sore after yesterday!"

It was like "Yesterday, I damaged the muscles all over my body so much that, today, I am physically ill."

And I really did feel physically ill.  I didn't just not have energy, I had negative energy.  Not just a total depletion of physical energy, but also a negative attitude.

I just felt sick.

But for such a flighty, mamby-pamby person, I sure can get hit by a bolt of tenacity.

I felt like shit but was obsessed with being true to my 100-day commitment.  I mean, there was no way in hell I was going to screw it up on the second day!

So with my trusty pedometer, I walked a mile before school started.  Then I crashed and spent the majority of the day sitting in my office waiting for problems to come to me, rather than being out in the classrooms observing kids and finding problems.

By the end of the work day, I had sat on my butt for hours and had only walked 4,300 steps.  So as soon as I got home, even though I was desperately wanting to go to bed, I walked over to Jen's house.
She fed me good, healthy food.

Afterwards, I took another short walk with Jen and the girls.

I ended up with 11, 645 steps.

Here are the tools that I used to motivate myself today.  I got them off a wonderful Facebook page called "Leanne's Weight Loss Journey".  She has great motivational sayings on there!




Tenacious:  is not a word that usually describes me.  I'm usually kind of the opposite.

But I striving to be called a tenacious person.

Here's the definition.

te·na·cious/təˈnāSHəs/

Adjective:
  1. Not readily letting go of, giving up, or separated from an object that one holds, a position, or a principle: "a tenacious grip".
  2. Not easily dispelled or discouraged; persisting in existence or in a course of action: "a tenacious legend".

I want people to say,
"Wow, that Jenn is such a tenacious person.  She's like a bulldog when she wants something.  She goes after it until she gets it!"

Will everyone please say that in unison.  At the count of three.....

ONE

TWO

THREE

Ahhhh, thanks for the support.

And today, I weighed 213.5.

Love,
Jenn

Monday, September 24, 2012

Blogging From The Bathtub

I've had a successful day with my 100-day commitments.

So successful, I may actually be stuck in this bathtub.

I'm glad I have my phone in case I need to call the fire department to get me out.   Ohhh, I said that as a joke but I really shouldn't joke about things that are in the realm of possibility.

It would be so very mortifying to be unable to get out of this tub.  I would rather go down the drain.

Here's today:

I wore my pedometer and walked around the track twice when I first got to school.   Then after school, I walked over to Jen's house.  At that point, my pedometer said I had walked 11,099 steps!    (My goal was 10,000).

I drank a juice pitcher full of water while at work.  And then some!

Barb and I went to Zumba for the first time. I couldn't do the routines.  I couldn't get my feet and my arms to move in any sort of coordinated fashion.  I couldn't twist my left knee, or bend it, because of my fall weekend before last so I ended up just shuffling along to the music. (By the end, about all I could do was shuffle because my feet were strangely stuck to the floor.)   But I did have fun.  My favorite part was the butt shaking.

 Even though its like my hips are playing freeze tag and are frozen into the position of an old woman.
Afterwards, I walked across the street to Subway to meet Tyler for dinner.  I had to wait about 15 minutes for him.   When he walked in the door and I stood up to meet him and go order, it was like my legs had quit.  At first I couldn't get them to move at all, then I was able to hobble across the room.

So, the minute I got home, I got into this bathtub of hot water.   Without thinking about the fact that I would have to get out.

If I look especially wrinkly tomorrow, people will know.

But before I got into the bathtub, I checked my pedometer again and it said that, with Zumba, I had walked 15,846 steps.  Over 6 miles!

I'm very pleased but I don't want to do my usual exercise thing of overdo/do nothing.    I want to walk another 10,000 steps tomorrow.

Very slowly.

Love,
Jenn

Sunday, September 23, 2012

100 Days From Now

100 days from now, I will be sitting in my living room, warmed by my fireplace, watching it snow outside while eating ham and blackeyed peas.

100 days from now will be January 1, 2013.

I will have thousands and thousands of decisions to make between right now and 100 days from now.  Every day, I will have the choice about what to put in my mouth, how to move my body, what to put in my mind, how to spend my time, how to treat other people, and how to live my life.

There are some decisions I can make right now about how I want to live the next 100 days.  As always, I want to live in kindness - remembering that my job here on earth - just like everyone else's - is to take care of my fellow man (or woman).

I'm becoming more and more in touch with how much I believe this.  Our job is to take care of one another.  Maybe that's what families are for - but the job goes way beyond that of families.  I believe it's my job to help take care of whoever will allow me in their life in a caring manner.

If we all take care of each other, we all will be taken care of.

I'm very aware of the people in my life that take care of me - many of you are in that group.   I'm also very aware of the people in my life that allow me to help take care of them.  Frequently, it's the same people.  That's what friendship is, I think.


Wow, this is not where this post was supposed to go.

Obviously, my subconscious self needed to remind my conscious self about ALL the decisions that I make on a daily basis.  My outsides needed to read what my insides wrote.

Cool.

But, in addition to all the daily decisions to make during the next 100 days, I've spent the afternoon thinking about what lifestyle-changing behaviors I am willing to commit to for the next 100 days.

I've been thinking about them with the belief that I can do anything for 100 days.

And here's what I've decided to commit to.  Beginning tomorrow:
1.  I will wear my fitbit pedometer and walk 10,000 steps daily, five days a week.  I've learned that, on an average, I walk about 5,000 a day - just in my daily activities.  I think I can double that in a way that it will feel like being more active, and less like e.x.e.r.c.i.s.e.
2.  I will go to Zumba at least two times per week.  Barb, did you read that?  That means Mondays and Wednesdays at 5:30.
3.  I will try to take a hike once a week.  It doesn't have to be long.  It doesn't have to be hard.  But it needs to be in nature, not asphalt.  If it gets too cold or too snowy, I don't have to do it.  Again, the purpose of practicing it for 100 days is to learn to see hikes as an enjoyable activity, not e.x.e.r.c.i.s.e.
4.  I will find a container in my kitchen tonight to be my "water container".  I will fill it up in my office every weekday morning and finish it by the time I leave my work.  What should it be?  A quart?  A gallon?  A juice pitcher (what is that - two and a half quarts?)?
5.  I will clean my face with Pond's cold cream every night (just like my mom did) - or at least until someone tells me of something much better than Pond's.  Then, I'll moisturize.  I'm very conscious of this because  -  I swear to God, my face has grown much bigger since I got my hair cut.
See?  There's a lot of extra face there.

And finally, I will learn to turn on my damn TV.  I wanted to watch the Emmys tonight but am too technologically-impaired.

Love,
Jenn

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Edginess

I have a need to be edgy.  Not edgy like agitated or anxious.  Edgy like .............  well, this is the problem.  I don't know how to explain it!

Time out while I google edgy.

OK. 
This is what Urban Dictionary says but it doesn't really fit.
Applied to books, music, or even haircuts which tend to challenge societal norms and reveal the dark side. Cutting edge.
1-pushing the envelope
2- to be way out there
This is what Free Dictionary says but it doesn't really fit.
Daring, provocative, or trend-setting
This is what Merriam-Webster dictionary says.  Maybe we're getting closer.
having a bold, provocative, or unconventional quality

What it feel like on my insides is this:
I now have short, short hair.  Hair that I associate with being middle age old.  I DO NOT mean to insinuate to my friends with short hair that they look old.  It's just MY thing - not yours, not society's, not anyone else's.

It's like in Jennyland, only old people wear short hair. 

Well, you know in Jennyland, most things do not make a whollota sense.  And that's how we spell whole lot of there. 

When I think of short hair, I think of my mother's friends.  I think of Elma Dobbs, Felicia Deaton, and Joyce Arterburn.  Safe, stable, dependable, consistent, structured, predictable people.

Hmmmm,  just realized that, though I recognize that those qualities are majorly important and necessary for psychological health, I don't want to be stuck in those qualities.

They are comforting.  But kind of boring.  They're UNedgy. 

What is it that I want?

In my case, is edgy just another word for attention-seeking?

Is edgy a symptom of my need to not be seen as old (which unfortunately, is another word for "my age")?

My feelings about getting old..... being old...... getting to get to be old..... are a whole different blog.  I don't want to go there right now.

Back to edginess.  I think this is where my mind is going.  Again, MY mind (not reality).

Let's try some ole 'flow of consciousness' writing.  (When all else fails, use therapy tools on yourself.)  Here goes......



I associate "pretty" with long hair I think I come closest to "pretty" when I have long hair I don't have long hair now, so I need to be edgy because I don't want to be predictable, consistent, structured, or old.  

Whoa.  I think that's it.  I really like my short hair right now but I think I've got to see myself as edgy because, without long hair, I don't see myself as pretty.

So, today where my thoughts have been going has been ---

---- I need to get my ears pierced more  (already have four earrings in one ear and two earrings in the
      other).
---- I need the top of my hair to look spikey.
---- I need really edgy clothes.  Well, not too edgy.  My friend, Dianne, is the only person I know that
      can get by with super edgy clothes.  I need fiftyeightyearoldfatwomanedgy clothes. 
---- I need a neck lift.
---- I need funky jewelry.  Not BIG jewelry (which I don't like) but dainty, funky jewelry.  Can
      something be both dainty and funky??????
---- I need to get my tattoo finished.  Whoever heard of a flesh-colored Texas. 

I can guarandamntee ya that if I lived in a place where you could go get your ears pierced (other than the doctor's office), I would have gotten them pierced today. 

I need to remember that edgy is mainly an attitude.  Am I edgy?  I'm definitely sometimes the anxious/agitated/crazy kind of edgy.  But am I the other kind? 

Maybe I can start wearing a safety pin in my lip. 

Love,
UnsureaboutherdegreeofedginessJenny



Thursday, September 20, 2012

Haircut(s)

I will do ANYTHING to lose weight.

Even cut my hair shorter than it has ever been since I was three years old. 

Do you think this will work?

;-)

Whether it does or not, I think I'm going to enjoy my venture into the short hair world. 

Love,
Me

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Making Friends With My Scales

My scales and I have been at odds recently.  Even though I have been eating consciously and sanely for a week, my scales haven't moved. It fact, it's shown me 216.5 and 217 after showing me 215.5 last week.   Because of it's lack of generosity with letting go of the pounds, I've been cussing it out every morning.   That's not helping matters because then, I hurt it's feelings.  And when it's feelings got hurt, it became even more resentful and wouldn't let go of the pounds.

It was just a vicious cycle.

So today, I decided to apologize and try to treat it better.  So, I gave it a bath and then, while Barb was dying my hair, I made my scale feel better by coloring it and making it beautiful.  

In the process, I realized it was a girl and named her Agatha.

Here she is now.

 Isn't she pretty?  And, since I've become friends with her again, she is giving me all sorts of positive feedback.

At least verbally.  We'll have to see if she's really willing to give up some of those pounds tomorrow morning.

Love,
Jenny and her new best friend!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Story Of The Lonely Burrito That Spent The Morning In My Refrigerator

Yesterday, I wrote:
Defense: How am I prepared for the temptations that are bound to come my way tomorrow?  Tomorrow is a normal day with no specific food challenges.  I'll have oatmeal for breakfast, chicken stew and veggies for lunch, Subway for dinner, and blueberries for dessert.

Well, we had an incident.  However, I think I was pretty conscious and sane - but I did not stick to my plan.

I have a student at school who is having a very difficult emotional time.  It's making her be absent from school on a nearly daily basis.  For the last two days, I have offered to bring breakfast for her.  Yesterday, she wanted a McDonald's #4.   Obviously, that didn't interest me because I don't even know what it was.  Yesterday afternoon, she requested a ham and egg burrito from Chili Works for this morning.

Barb and I went to Chili Works before school with me feeling really virtuous because I didn't buy one for myself.

My student was supposed to meet me in my office at 7:30 to talk and eat her burrito.

This was another day that she was unable emotionally to get here at all.

The lonely burrito lived in my refrigerator until 10:00 when I took pity on it.

I ate it.  But.  I did take the eggs, potatoes, little bit of cheese, and ham strip OUT OF THE TORTILLA and I threw the tortilla away.

I'm grateful for that.

I don't feel like I screwed up.  I think I was conscious and sane.

But the story of the lonely burrito does drive home the fact that I can't have in my possession, the things that I shouldn't eat.  The minute I figured my student wasn't going to make it to school today, I should have been finding that burrito a new home.  There are nearly 500 students and 70 staff members here who would have adopted it.

But..... I'm a social worker.  I take care of the lonely, the abandoned, the unwanted, the forgotten.

SNORT!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Me

Monday, September 17, 2012

The Five D's of the Weight Loss Journey

Someone shared this with me on Sparkpeople and I really like it. 

Desire: What exactly do you want?
Defense: How are you prepared for the temptations that are bound to come your way?
Dedication: How hard are you willing to work?
Determination: How long are you willing to keep working?
Decision-Making: Are you willing to take total responsibility for the choices you make?

I'm thinking that I would like to ask myself these questions daily - kind of like a morning meditation.  And I would like to answer them very specifically with what I'm thinking about at the time.

Like.... right now,  my answers are:

DesireWhat exactly do I want?  I want to be able to easily get up and down off the floor.  I want to weigh under 200. 
Defense: How am I prepared for the temptations that are bound to come my way tomorrow?  Tomorrow is a normal day with no specific food challenges.  I'll have oatmeal for breakfast, chicken stew and veggies for lunch, Subway for dinner, and blueberries for dessert.
DedicationHow hard am I willing to work?  This is an interesting questions to me because I think I'm willing to work hard - but the fact is that I haven't exercised ANY since trying to find my way back to sane eating.   I've made a commitment to myself to rejoin Curves.  I will go and do that tomorrow after work.
DeterminationHow long am I willing to keep working?  For this question, I have to go back to lessons learned in Twelve Step programs.   I am determined to stick to my plan tomorrow.  One day at a time.  When I think about the possibility of always having to be so diligent, I think "oh, never mind!  It's not worth it!"  But I can do it just for tomorrow.  I can do anything for one day.
Decision-MakingAm I willing to take total responsibility for the choices I make tomorrow?  I do recognize that I am the only person who controls what and how much goes into my mouth.  I alone am responsible for the choices I make.  Well, I believe me and God.  God, if I let Him.  I have to remember what I once knew and blogged about.  The fact that my success is made of hundreds of little decisions I make throughout the day.  Decisions not just about what goes into my mouth but about how I feel, how I react, where I go, what I look at, what I read, who I talk to, what I do, how I spend my time........  All those little decisions do, in fact, affect how I eat.  Because how I eat is a snapshot of how I live my life.

Whoa.  That's an interesting statement that came out of my fingers without conscious thought.

"How I eat is a snapshot of how I live my life." 

What does that mean?

Ways I eat:
sometimes consciously
sometimes what the fuck
sometimes who cares
sometimes controlled
sometimes uncontrolled
sometimes with abandon
sometimes with guilt and shame
sometimes ravenously
sometimes because I think if I don't something must be wrong with me
sometimes without thought
sometimes in boredom
sometimes in celebration

That kind of threw me for a loop.  Gotta think about it more.

What do you think?

Love,
Jenny the Ponderer

Sunday, September 16, 2012

On Stage Crew And Dogs....

Ya know, being a part of a stage crew for a community theater doesn't sound like something I would like.

It includes heavy lifting.

It includes organization.

It includes having to be quiet and only talk in a whisper.

It includes sitting around in the dark for long periods of time with nothing to do.

And most of all, it includes being BACKstage - not the star, not the princess, not the queen of the theater.

Doesn't sound like something I'd like, does it? 

But I love it.  I even love the boring times where you just sit quietly in the dark and wait for your next cue to move something.  I even like taking care of the stars - by helping with costume changes, etc - rather than being the star.

It's a good match for me personality-wise, but I'm not sure why. 

I enjoy the people I work with, I enjoy the camaraderie, I enjoy the bustle and excitement of opening night.

I've wanted to get involved in community theater all my adult life but didn't do it until last year.  Now, I've been involved in three productions and I'm hooked.   I want to be involved in all of them.

And, the theater tends to draw somewhat quirky people - so I feel at home and accepted.  

Working on stage crew is one more thing that kind of adds some structure to my daily life - making it easier for me to make conscious, healthy decisions about what I put in my mouth.

I can't think of a good word to describe what structure does for me.   Here's how I visualize it.  

In the summer - with no structure - I'm extremely happy but out of control.  Maybe like a hyperactive puppy with free rein to run wherever she wants.  ...........SQUIRREL!!!!............





 
Structure, through work and the theater, is like a fence.  I'm still happy and I can still run, but only within the boundaries of the fence.


Sometimes I get out of my structured life - out of my fence boundaries......


............ and I tend to get in trouble.


 So, the moral of this story is..........

It's important for me to stay in the backyard.

If life were only so simple.

Me








I have been a good dog this weekend.  Since Friday, I've had one piece of bread, creamer in my coffee, one glass of wine, no dessert or sweets, and no ketchup.  Even though I ate STEAK last night.  Now, that's being a really good dog - to eat steak without ketchup.

Someone needs to give me a treat.

Arf,

Woof-woof (that's "love, Jenny" in dog talk)

Friday, September 14, 2012

215.5

Ahhhhhh, feeling a little better on the HOW COULD I DO THIS AND GAIN SO MUCH WEIGHT BACK! front. 

I had to throw my beans/cabbage/chicken soup away.  After cooking it all night - making the cooking time a total of at least 16 hours - the pinto beans were still crunchy.

Woe is me.  I screwed up cooking pinto beans in a crockpot. 

Somebody else is just going to have to do it for me.  ;-)    ;-)     ;-)   ;-)     ;-)    ;-)      ;-)
(Thinking one is a princess is good for something....)

On the wheat/dairy/sugar front:
Wheat - I had a 6-inch Subway turkey sub today.  Without cheese.
Diary - Nina brought me a Starbucks skinny vanilla latte. 

I was puny today - headache, body aches............ it was a gift from Barb, who had it earlier in the week.

Jen brought me a bowl of her green chili stew for dinner.  It was SO DELICIOUS but probably had some flour in it.  But I ate it without cheese, sour cream, or.........

KETCHUP.

And I didn't drink any wine at my favorite wine-drinking place - Jen's house.  

So, I feel positive about today. 

Jen and I had a funny conversation tonight.  She said that since I like to eat out so much, she will set up a table for me at her house, I can call her and order what I want and bring my friends to dinner, she'll make it healthy and in a perfect portion, and I can pay her.  She thinks that this plan would benefit both of us - she would get to cook (which she strangely likes to do), she would get some money, I would save some money (because she'd be cheaper than a restaurant), and I would get to eat healthy.  (She forgot the benefits of me getting to hold Avery and play with Ady.) 

I told her tonight that part of the reason I like to go to restaurants is that I am a people watcher and like to be out being a part of the public.  Jen had a solution to that problem.  She offered to have her 16-year-old son periodically streak through the dining room - in true pants-less streaking form.  Her friend, Tia, reminded her that that would be considered child abuse. 

I think she should just get strangers off the street and have them sit around her living room while I'm eating there. 

I love my friends.  I am so very blessed to have them. 

Love,
Me

Thursday, September 13, 2012

NEW FOOD PLAN???? (PART 2)

Today has been an emotional day, a blah day, and a conscious eating day - even though I didn't quite stick with my plan.  I ate wheat and dairy - so now I'm logging it. 

I should have been clear in my previous post that I was going to try to follow my food plan - as long as people don't gift me with food.  

It just so happens that today - right after pushing the "publish" button on my blog page, my co-worker Sarah brought me lunch.  Sarah wasn't enabling me - she doesn't read my blog or Facebook - she was just being my friend. 

Sarah and I had had a conversation last Spring about Cincinnati Chili.  I'd never heard of it.  So, today, Sarah brought me some.

Do you know about Cincinnati Chili?  It's what I consider Texas chili (you know, brown....) with beans served over spaghetti and covered with chopped onions, cheese, and ...... Oyster Crackers!  When you order Cincinnati Chili you order it "one-way", "two-way"........
I think mine - with chili, spaghetti, beans, cheese, onions, and Oyster Crackers was considered five-way chili. 

It was wonderful!  Sarah brought me a serving - well, maybe more than a serving - but not a Jenny helping.  

I spent the day doing paperwork that I consider boring - writing functional behavioral goals, a behavior intervention plan, and case notes.  Mid-afternoon, Tyler called me - upset - to tell me that he had quit his job of four years.  He and his boss (who also had been his friend) had been having lots of conflict and Tyler finally felt that he was pushed to quit - or be fired. 

It broke my heart.  It hurts so much to watch my son hurt.  It hurts to watch him feel like he is not valued.  Tyler is so loyal.  It's always been hard for him to quit jobs.  He's 26, he's worked since he was 15, and he's only had 3 jobs - because he stays with them forever.  The writing has been on the wall about this job for months but Tyler kept hanging in there.  He truly is loyal to a fault. 

I know that Tyler will quickly get another job but I grieve the fact that it will be in Santa Fe or in Phoenix. 

I'm in that parenting quandary where I know that he needs to leave this town, but it makes me really, really sad to think about him going. 

So....... in a Jennyfunk, I went and got my hair cut.  Some of you know from Facebook that I cut it myself yesterday.  It's funny because that's old PMS behavior.  I used to always be able to tell when it was time for my period because I'd butcher my bangs, go to the hair dresser and have something drastic done, or color my hair a different color. 

It's like my hair was psychically connected to my uterus and ovaries. 

Well, I haven't had a period in eight years and I haven't had a uterus or ovaries in nearly three years.  So, what's my hair's deal? 

Anyway, I went to a new hairdresser because mine was booked.  Duh.  Ya think she's be free when I called for an appointment at 3:00?  The new hairdresser did a good job but it's too short.  I can't even remember the last time it was this short.  Maybe never. 

So now, I'd like to crawl in a hole for a couple of month. 

I also had a cooking fiasco today.  I soaked pinto beans last night and put them in the crockpot this morning.  To season them, I added a ketchupy-like sauce that has ghost peppers in it.  It was fiery!
To try to make it more edible, I went to the grocery store and got a roasted chicken and cabbage.

I know.  Pinto beans/cabbage/chicken soup.  Sounds kind of weird but it's really popular in Jennyland. 

However, the beans weren't done when I tried to eat dinner.  So I picked out the cabbage and chicken and.....

........ I'm sorry to admit this but you know I don't have many boundaries .......

.... I spit out the beans - AND THEN PUT THEM BACK IN THE CROCKPOT!

I figure tomorrow they will be done and I can invite some of my unsuspecting, non-blog reading friends to dinner!  ;-)

Aren't you glad you read my blog?????

Love,
Jenny



New Food Plan?????

218.5

My friend, B, gave me her "food plan" that she is using to guide her decisions about what to eat.  I usually find the idea of denying myself certain foods as a 'set up for a screw up'.  But right now, the idea of saying NO to some foods seems comforting.  I'm obviously in need of some extra boundaries.

My friend, Kristi, has shared a lot of information about the Paleo Diet with me.  That feels too structured right now but I do want to think about it.  And I want to play around with trying to give up the foods that the Paleo Diet suggests.  

Last night, I took B's food list and customized it to fit my tastes, my comfort foods, my needs to cheat, and my habit of eating out. 

Here's what I ended up with.  It's a work in progress.  Please feel free to make suggestions - especially about specific dishes in restaurants that would be good.  I love suggestions even though I frequently blow them off.   

I think the most important thing I wrote - and I first saw it as I wrote it (it was one of those aha! surprises) was --
LOG ALL WHEAT, DAIRY, AND SUGAR.

TRY TO HAVE ‘CLEAN’ DAYS OF NO WHEAT, DAIRY OR SUGAR.

The above statement needs to be my goal.  And it is a big step towards the Paleo Diet.  But, in the meantime........



FORBIDDEN FOODS
Alcohol – except once per week
Bagels (except skinny bagels)
Bread (except subway, sonic)
Butter
Cake
Candy
Cereal
Cheese (except lowfat Laughing Cow)
Chips (except baked or sun chips – limit one pack per day)
Cookies
Cornbread
Crackers (except melba toast)
Cream, cream sauces, creamy salad dressings
Desserts, in general
Donuts
French fries
Fritos
Fried foods, in general
Ice cream
Mayonnaise
Milk (except 2%)
Muffins (except bran – one per day)
Nuts
Peanut Butter
Pizza
Sopapillas
Sour cream
Spaghetti (except Lean Cuisine)
Sugar

AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, DON’T EAT WHEAT, DAIRY OR SUGAR.


ALLOWED FOODS
Alcohol – only one time per week
Avocado – half per day
Beans and all legumes
Cheese (Laughing Cow lowfat only)
Chicken
Cocktail sauce with shrimp
Corn on the cob
Eggs
Fish
Fruit of any kind
Green chili stew (at any restaurant)
Granola bars (low calorie, not more than one a day)
Ham
Hamburger (without bun or Sonic junior-size)
Hot dog, no bun
Mustard, even flavored
Oatmeal, one packet per day
Potatoes, except fries
Roast beef
Salmon
Salsa
Sausage
Shrimp
Soy sauce
Sushi
Teriyaki sauce
Tilapa
Tomato juice
Tomato soup
Tuna
Turkey
Veggies of any kind
Yogurt

OUT TO EAT FOODS
Chili’s – any low-cal meal
Chili’s – chicken fajitas
Chipolte – bowls, not burritos
DeColores – beans
DeColores – tilapa and potato
El Parasol – chicken burrito, no cheese
El Parasol – chicken and whole bean burrito, no cheese
Hill Diner – baked potato, cup of chili, salad with noncreamy dressing, teryaki chicken, veggies
Sonic – grilled chicken sandwich
Sonic – junior burger
Subway – turkey sandwich meal
Wendy’s – chili, baked potato


LOG ALL WHEAT, DAIRY, AND SUGAR.

TRY TO HAVE ‘CLEAN’ DAYS OF NO WHEAT, DAIRY OR SUGAR.

Notice that ketchup isn't listed.  It's sugar.  So, if I eat it, I need to log it.  

Hmmmm.

Love,
Me

 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

9/11/12, Part 2

Today is done and I'm...............  eh, OK.

Water - done.

Food Plan - followed fairly good.  
Judy and I spent three hours at her surgeon's office, most of that waiting.  We didn't leave there until 3pm - STARVING.  We went to Sweet Tomato where I again was aware of the difference between a serving and a Jenny helping. 

I piled my plate with salad - everything OK except for too much fat free dressing.  I also ate a cup of veggie soup that I believe was real low calorie.  And a square of cornbread.

Eating at 3:30, I should have let that be my lunch and supper.  But tonight, I ate a junior cheeseburger from Sonic - 380 calories. 

Coulda been worse. 

Deezer, you asked why I eat out so much.  Lots of people ask why I eat out so much.  I hate to cook and I'm a HORRIBLE cook.  And I'm lazy.  And I like to be out.  I do eat out way too much but it's part of my social life, I guess.

Exercise - I was going to walk around the block.  Didn't get it done.  Now, I'm in my jammies waiting for Sons of Anarchy to start and boring myself to death blogging about mundane calories. 

For something so boring, they sure have a lot of impact on my life.

Love,
Jenn

9/11/12

My thoughts have been about 9/11 all morning.   This is an anniversary that touches every American.  But my heart bleeds for those who were intimately touched by this day eleven years ago.  When you've lost a loved one - eleven years is nothing. 

Thinking about what other people could be going through today - remembering loved ones who are no longer here, having flashbacks of "being there" - all my little whiny crap seems .... just like that:  little whiny crap.

So, maybe today is the day to pull my thumb out of my mouth, get off my butt, and be grateful that I am alive - and that my life is so mundane and trouble-free that I can spend time whining about the little things. 

The ability and the freedom to whine about the little things is actually really a gift, isn't it?

Here's my plan for today:
I'm at work now but am leaving at 10 this morning to go with my friend, Judy, to her doctor's appointment in Albuquerque.  When we get home later this afternoon, I plan to take a nap.  I didn't get much sleep last night after Bootsie brought me a dying mouse (that she then proceeded to eat on my bedroom floor) and my dreams were filled with rabies and hantavirus and exploding buildings.  After a nap, I'm going to watch the season premiere of Sons Of Anarchy. 

That's no exercise.
Can I make a commitment to walk around my block one time?  I think I can do that.

Now food.....
This morning, I've had two packets of Trader Joe's instant oatmeal.  This is a good example of my flawed thinking about servings vs. helpings.  ONE packet of instant oatmeal is a serving - 160 calories.  However, it doesn't seem like enough to me so I ate TWO packets - a Jenny helping rather than a serving. 

But I did track it on Sparkpeople.  I'm going to commit to going to the Sparkpeople website every morning when I first get on my computer.  I can't commit to logging everything I eat, but I can commit to checking in.

Right now, I'm drinking coffee with creamer.  Judy is going to bring me a Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte when she comes to pick me up to go to Albuquerque. 

For lunch - where ever Judy and I go - I commit to choosing something healthy, low-calorie, but filling.  I'll let you know later what it was.

And tonight, I'll go to my "safe place" - Subway - and get my usual. 

Let's see........ what else can I do today?  Water.  Yuck. 
OK.  I commit to drinking two bottles of water today.  That's not enough but it's two bottles more of water than I usually drink. 

Deezer?  I'm trying!!  Thanks for your advice.  I'm going to do as you suggested - use my blog for the boring purpose of logging what I eat and what I do - at least until I get on my feet again.  And yes!  It's making me CRINGE!!

And today?  220.5

Deep breath.

Love,
Jenny

Monday, September 10, 2012

damnit!damnit!damnit!damnit!damnit!damnit!

That's really all I have to say.

Except maybe damnittohell!

I'm lostlostlost. 

I just want to hide.  And I don't even want to tell you about my last four days.  Drinking and arguing and food poisoning and traveling and screwed up appointments and eating and chocolate. 

OUT. OF. CONTROL.
LOST.
FUCKED.

Sorry, but those are the words to describe me.

Imagine a rock climber on a vertical face of a rock.  Imagine my fat little body in rock climber gear.  Imagine me, the rock climber, slipping slowly and then falling fast, 16 feet (or miles.  whatever.).  Imagine my fingers stretched out looking for tiny indentations to grab a hold. 
Imagine each finger move in millimeters - so tiny that to the human eye, it looks like no movement.

Here's the little miniscule finger movements of today:
1.  I told Barb we should go to the Y after work.  Oops!  Backslide!  'Cause then I said I couldn't go today.
2.  I joined/rejoined Sparkpeople and put it on my Bookmarks Toolbar to go to daily and actually try to use their ideas/recipes/website/online community.
3.  I read about a website called HealthyWage where you motivate yourself to lose weight by paying money and then making it (and more) back.  I tried to join but my EFFING CREDIT CARD WAS DECLINED!!!!!!!
4.  I am blogging.  Lot of good that's done lately.

OK.  Deep breath. 

Deep breath again.

Forgive yourself.  You can restart right N.O.W.

Monday, September 10, 2012     4:23 PM, Mountain Standard Time. 

RESTART BUTTON PUSHED.

Love,
Grumpypissedoffmadatherselfgrrrrrrrrrrrjenny

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Just Checking In

218.5

I don't have anything to say tonight.  I'm doing OK.  Subway has become my best friend again.  I ate there tonight and plan to eat there tomorrow. 

Hurdles this week:
* Bunco at my house on Thursday.  I can do it.  It's MY cooking.  GAAA-RRRROSS!!!! 
* A pig roast on Saturday.  Hmmmmm.  I haven't been to a pig roast since my Anthropology major
  days.  And then, I think it was a goat. 

I HATE 218.5.  I want to be 204 again.  Why, oh why, did I bitch about 204???????????

Here's some of my desktop pictures.  It helps to look at them throughout the day.  Well, I can't say it helps much since I've gained weight.   But, I still want to share these with you.

This one, I'm really bad at.  I go days without drinking plain water.  Most water I drink has Crystal Light added to it. 
 

 



I need this one plastered on every surface I look at.  Because this is what I do.  I repeatedly give up what I want most for what I want now.  Instant gratification.   That's my problem in a nutshell.



And, you might have to live in Jennyland to understand how this one describes my struggle with weight.   That cat symbolizes all the parts of life that I eat - my boredom, my sadness, my celebrations.....  It's what I have to be forever vigilant about. 

Plus.  I think it's snortably hilarious!!!!!!!
 Love you,
Jenn

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other

218.5

I'm continuing to feel like something outside of me is controlling my eating.  I am grateful for that because I don't think I have it in myself to do. 

Today has been a "low key" day.  And if you know me well, you know that - even though I sometimes need a low key day - I don't necessarily do well with them. 

All the things I don't like feelings I run from seem to set in on low key days.  Loneliness tends to settle over me like a fog.  And it's not loneliness that being with friends takes away.  Being with friends makes me not think about it but doesn't make it go away. 

And sometimes - as much as I HATE it - it's important to be with my feelings.  Hah, as a therapist, I've said that to countless people.

Of course, it's much easier to tell someone else that they need to be with their feelings than it is to be with my own.   I'm quite capable of being insightful and reflective but I don't necessarily like it.

Today, I started reading Marianne Williamson's A Course In Weight Loss.  Her first chapter is about how weight gain serves as self-protection as we build walls (weight) around us to protect ourselves from painful emotions.  It's essentially about how we eat our feelings.  The chapter's exercise is to complete the following questions: 
I am ashamed of _____. 
I am angry at _______. 
I am afraid of _______.
I haven't forgiven ______ for _____. 
I judge ______ for _______.
I feel disdain for ________.
I am responsible for _________.
I feel so pressured about _______.
I am exhausted because ________.
I am burdened by _________.
I am stressed by ______.
My heart is heavy because _______.
It isn't fair that I ______.
I feel I need protection from _______.
I am prideful when ________.
I am selfish when ________.
I get jealous when ________.
I get greedy when ________.
I am lazy when _______.
I feel separate from _______.
I don't feel that I can be honest about ________.
I am better than ________.
I feel not as good as _______.
I feel embarrassed because _______.
I have built this wall so that others won't hate me for being beautiful and successful and seeming to have it all _______.

I've thought about this off and on all day but haven't really answered them.  I actually told myself that I was going to go on to Chapter 2 because Chapter 1 is too much like the 4th and 5th Steps of Twelve Step programs and, therefore, I have done them and don't need to do it again. 

But as I sit here and write this shit at midnight, I realize that once again I have lied to myself, conned myself, and stuck my head in the sand. 

And look what it says under each section:  "DO NOT GO UNCONSCIOUS.  Write it all out."

DO NOT GO UNCONSCIOUS.  That's what I've been saying all along.  But that's what I CONTINUE TO DO.  I close my eyes, I go to Jennyland, I lose consciousness.

So, in the name of consciousness, I've just decided that I'm going to answer the questions here.

I am ashamed of my body.  I am ashamed of myself for saying "fuck it" since June.
I am angry at myself for gaining nearly 20 pounds.
I am afraid of many things..... being fat, being lonely, losing Tyler, going for my physical, going to the oncologist, dying.....
I haven't forgiven myself for giving up and backsliding.  I haven't forgiven Charlie for leaving me.
I judge people for their weight.  I judge myself for my weight. 
I feel disdain for myself.
I am responsible for myself.  I am responsible for what goes in my mouth.
I feel so pressured about my finances.
I am exhausted because ?
I am burdened by worry - about Ty and Nina, about Mo and Bootsie, about money, about doctors' appointments......
I am stressed by needed home repairs, lack of money, dying pets, moving children.
My heart is heavy because of Charlie's illness - the fact that the man I knew is gone.  My heart is heavy because of Tyler's choices.  My heart is heavy because of Nina's unhappiness.  My heart is heavy because of Elisa's unhappiness.  My heart is heavy because Mo is old and dying and can't make it up the stairs to sleep with me.
It isn't fair that I can't be in a relationship.
I feel that I need protection from MYSELF.  The part of me that self-sabotages.
I am prideful when I lose weight.  I take all the credit.  And then I fuck up.
I am selfish when I am around food.  I don't want to share.  I'm basically a selfish person.
I get jealous when other people lose more weight than me and when people have more money to play with than me.
I get greedy when I am around food.
I am lazy when ?    I am lazy period.
I feel separate from God.  I feel separate from Tyler.
I don't feel that I can be honest about a choice that I made when I was younger. 
I am better than ?
I feel not as good as most everyone that manages their body by eating right.  I feel not as good as athletic people.
I feel embarrassed because I fucked up.
I have built this wall so that others won't hate me for being beautiful and successful and seeming to have it all ?

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.......

OK.  I did it.  What stands out to me is the heavy heart question.  I do have things that make my heart heavy.   I don't think I pay much attention to that. 

On Facebook tonight, I described myself as having a pity party.  But maybe I'm also honoring my heavy heart.  Honoring it by acknowledging it. 

Tonight, I have sat with my feelings.  I've felt lonely and angry and sad and afraid. 

I've wanted to eat.  I've wanted to drink.  But I haven't.  I went to Sonic by myself - cried in the parking lot - and ate a grilled chicken sandwich. 

I love my friends because they checked on me through Facebook, phone calls, and texts.  But I needed to just sit with my feelings.  And not eat them.



If you've made it this far in reading this, you just HAVE to win a prize.  I'm sorry to lay my emotional drivel on you. 
Love you,
Me.