I'm as out of control with eating as I've ever been. I've just been sitting here cramming stuff into my mouth to the point of feeling sick.
I feel like I did when I was a smoker. I'd make a plan to quit and then smoke like three packs on the day I was quitting. It was that human (at least in Jennyland) trait of gorging oneself before giving up what one is gorging on.
Does that really happen or is that just me?
I've now been out of control, mindless, unconscious for over a month. In the last couple of days, I've opened my eyes and have seen the havoc I've wrecked on my diet/weight/health/self esteem. Unfortunately, becoming conscious of my behavior has not made me stop. Instead, it's filled me with self-hate to the point that I really feel like, today, I've been punishing myself with food.
There's an internal voice (grown-up Jenn? big boss Jennifer? Betty?) saying,
"Oh you stupid, stupid, stupid girl. You have fucked up so badly. You should just cram stuff into your mouth until you go all the way back up to 250. You think you're uncomfortable now sitting here in too tight pants in a sugar coma, hardly able to walk because your knee hurts so bad? JUST WAIT. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR CAN'T WEAR ANY OF YOUR PANTS AND THE FIREMEN HAVE TO COME AND GET YOU OUT OF YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE YOU'RE TOOOOOOO FAT TO GET OUT YOUR DOOR!!!!!!!"
Whoever this is inside of me, she's an ugly, mean bitch. I don't like her. But maybe if I let her out here in my blog, she'll serve the purpose of a domineering, bossy coach who will shame me into getting my shit together.
I'm not even sure what happened......
I quit drinking.
I got worried about my kids.
Sandy Hook happened.
Nina got sad.
My friend's moving.
Tyler's car broke.
I had night sweats.
Mo couldn't walk up the stairs.
Fear got a hold of me.
The play got stressful.
Bunco happened twice in one week.
My house got messy.
Life happened. As it always does.
But for some reason, I let it take me down.
Right now, I visualize myself as a football player at the bottom of a heap.
AND I HAD THE DAMN BALL!!!
Well, not anymore. That ball is at the other end of the field. Possibly in the next county.
I've gotta make a game plan to get that ball back and RUN.
I wish I could be witty and write this whole blog post with a football theme - labeling all the tools I have to help me "win the game" by saying things like "writing in my blog is one of my defensive linemen", and "cleaning out all the dangerous food from my kitchen is my offensive right guard".
But I don't know any football terms but quarterback. And that's the one I want to be. Because they get the most attention. I just finished googling to come up with the terms defensive lineman and offensive guard.
Lest we forget, I am the person who, just a couple of days ago, announced on Facebook that I was rooting for the Atlanta Braves to win the Superbowl playoffs.
Roci had to tell me that was a baseball team and that the football team was the Falcons.
Speaking of, are they still in the running?
So, cutting through all the "ha, ha, ha, let me make this into a joke" and other crap - here are my tools.
They haven't changed from before. But I need to give them life by typing them into my blog again.
1. Blog daily. It helped before. It will still help.
2. Write down what I eat. That's why I pay every month for Weight Watchers online tools.
3. Wear either my Fitbit pedometer or the Weight Watchers one rather than just looking at them sitting on my dresser.
4. Go to the chiropractor about my knee.
5. Go to the Y, the pool, Curves, the park - get out and DO SOMETHING!
6. Buy the Nutra-Blast or whatever it's called that I've been wanting and use it.
7. Stop eating stuff I don't even really enjoy like candy.
8. Drink WATER. Drink it at least frequently enough that I can remember when I drank it last!
Hah! Just a strange little insight.... I just had to go back and edit that list because, in the middle of typing it, I switched from first person to second person. I started out saying "write down what I eat" but, by #4, I'd changed to second person and was writing "go to the chiropractor about your knee", "stop eating stuff you don't even really want", etc.
Interesting. It's like I was trying to separate myself from what I need to do. Like I was trying to give up the responsibility.
Or maybe it was just shitty grammar.
Don't know. Don't really care.
Just need to start over.
May this day, January 15, 2013, be a new day where I again focus on the me that I can become.
P.S. I really know there is not a Betty inside of me. I'm a therapist. I know I'm not really multiple. Besides, Donna would tell me if I was. Just want to make sure you know that.
Besides, Betty isn't inside of me! She lives in Lubbock.