I'm really mad at the role money - or the lack of it - plays in my life.
And I'm very close to just eating my feelings, drowning my frustration and disappointment in food.
This has not been a good day.
1. I got on the scales this morning and I hadn't lost any weight. Even though I've been good.
2. I started working at an additional school where I do not know the hidden rules. You know every workplace has hidden rules, don't you? And if you don't know the hidden rules, you're likely to step on someone's toes or stick your foot in your mouth. I did both. And I pissed off people. Feels yucky.
I am not a conflict person.
I am not a taking sides person.
I suck at those kinds of games. I think it's because I'm an only child.
I want to design my own tee-shirt that says, "JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT".
3. This was my first real day at the additional school and I don't know everybody. That brings out my shyness and makes my personality uncomfortably reserved. I didn't like that.
No matter what anyone thinks, I am VERY shy when I don't know people. On the inside, I'm cringing. That made the six hours at the new school feel like an eternity.
4. My dear friend, Josie, lost her 43-year-old husband this week. Tonight, I'm going to his viewing and tomorrow, to his funeral. I hurt so much for her and her young boys.
5. And then there's the money issue.
I want to move to another house and rent the house that I'm currently in until I can sell it. I want to move for three reasons:
(1) I live in a two story house with one bathroom, downstairs. My knee is bad - as you know, it hurts most of the time. Wherever I live now, I imagine it will be my last home. I don't think I can do old age in a house where I have to walk up sixteen steps to get to the front door, and then I have to walk up fourteen stairs to get to the bathroom. I can barely do that in middle age. And Mo, can't make it up the stairs at all. I have to carry him up to bed, one step at a time. OK. I know he's a dog and won't live much longer, but he needs a one-floor house.
(2) I live alone. I would really like to have a roommate. I'm not comfortable renting a room in the house that I'm currently in because it's just too small. The bedrooms are all right together and there is only the one bathroom. The house I'm interested in has two bathrooms and it is built in such a way that I could easily rent a room out. That would make me more comfortable, plus it would help financially.
(3) The house I'm interested in is right across the street from Barb, one block over from Gay. I'd be right there by two of my most important people. I'd like a future living close to them.
Barb called a real estate agent for me who called a loan company who sent me paperwork. I completed the paperwork with little hope that anything would actually come of it. Yesterday, I heard from the loan officer who told me that the house I'm interested in is eligible for a specific kind of loan (a good one) and it looks like I'd be eligible for it, too. With this kind of loan, I wouldn't have to put anything down on the new house.
BUT... (You know there is always one of those.)
I need $1,700 right now to pay off my credit card. Right now. That's the hard part. I can't ever come up with money that quickly. Everything I get has it's particular place that it needs to go. You know what I mean?
And. I. Suck. At. Saving. Money. Sooooooooooo bad.
* shouldn't go out to eat...
* shouldn't join Curves, buy clothes, go to Texas, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!
I KNOW! I just don't do it.
And now it's bitten me in the butt.
I just read this and it sounds like I'm asking for money. I'm not. I'm just bitching.
And I just need to be listened to.
Maybe it would help if you stuck out your lower lip, wrinkled up your eyebrows, and tipped your head to one side. You know, that look of pity.
I need someone to just feel sorry for me - just for a couple of minutes. And then kick me in the butt.
Now that I've whined, I'm going to put on my big girl panties (literally), go feed my animals, go to Curves, go to Subway, go to the funeral home to show my respects and my love to Josie, and then go to Bunco where I
That is my commitment. And it will be a first.
If you reached this point of this whiny blog, I want to thank you for listening to me. I think if I hadn't taken the time to blog my feelings, I would have blown off Curves, eaten whatever I wanted, and pigged out on the candy that will be at Bunco.