Acting as if........
Since I changed the name of my blog, I want to start living my life as a healthy, skinny person - not as "an even fatter girl". My friend, Karen, came up with the affirmation of saying, "I have no interest in food these days."
I like that. I want that to be my reality. Skinny eaters don't seem to have a lot of interest in food. I watch my daughter, Nina. She'll eat if it's there food in front of her. She'll get something to eat if she's hungry. But she doesn't O.B.S.E.S.S. about food. She doesn't plan, scheme, negotiate, wonder, manipulate, hoard........ all those ugly words and ugly actions that I associate with my relationship with food.
I believe that when I lost the 40 pounds last year, I did it because of mindfulness. I worked at staying emotionally conscious of what I ate, what I felt, and what I did.
Since I lost my way a while back, I've tried all sorts of things other than mindfulness. I've tried Weight Watchers again. I've rejoined Curves. I've paid money to Dietbet (and lost). I've tried to be gluten free. Nothing last more than a week or two because the one thing I wasn't doing was being mindful.
I think that's so important in my case. I don't do well with structure, diets, exercise plans....... One part of me puts myself on a structured program, and the other part of me IMMEDIATELY starts sabotaging the plan. It's very much like having an angel and a devil on each shoulder. Except in my case, it's Felix and Oscar from the Odd Couple. The Felix in me sets up these plans and makes these rules and the Oscar in me rolls his eyes and says, "Screw that".
I am the healthiest if I just focus on mindfulness. Blogging helps me focus on that. Notice how my blogging has been so sporadic lately? So has my emotional consciousness.
So now, I'm trying to go back to just being present in my own life. Paying attention. Not denying myself any certain foods but listening to what I want and need.
And using affirmations. So, I going to use 'I have no interest in food these days'. I'm going to make myself say that out loud to people a couple of times a day. In fact, I'm about to go over to Barb's and tell her that. She will look at me askew.
I'm also trying to 'act as if' in how I move. I'm really not into moving much right now. My knee has gotten worse and every step is uncomfortable - some more than others. I am going to the chiropractor and, in July, I'm actually going to a knee specialist in Albuquerque. But until then..... I'm going to m.o.v.e.
Today, Nina and I took a hike. And I spent the afternoon at the pool - not doing swim strokes - but at least paddling around and turning somersaults.
It was a more active day that I usually live.
That was nice.
So, I have no interest in food these days.....