Thursday, February 7, 2013

I Hate Money

I'm really mad at the role money - or the lack of it - plays in my life. 

And I'm very close to just eating my feelings, drowning my frustration and disappointment in food. 

This has not been a good day.

1.  I got on the scales this morning and I hadn't lost any weight.  Even though I've been good.

2.  I started working at an additional school where I do not know the hidden rules.  You know every workplace has hidden rules, don't you?  And if you don't know the hidden rules, you're likely to step on someone's toes or stick your foot in your mouth.  I did both.  And I pissed off people.  Feels yucky. 

I am not a conflict person. 

I am not a taking sides person. 

I suck at those kinds of games.  I think it's because I'm an only child. 

I want to design my own tee-shirt that says, "JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT".

3.  This was my first real day at the additional school and I don't know everybody.  That brings out my shyness and makes my personality uncomfortably reserved.  I didn't like that. 

No matter what anyone thinks, I am VERY shy when I don't know people.  On the inside, I'm cringing.  That made the six hours at the new school feel like an eternity. 

4.  My dear friend, Josie, lost her 43-year-old husband this week.  Tonight, I'm going to his viewing and tomorrow, to his funeral.  I hurt so much for her and her young boys. 

5.  And then there's the money issue. 

I want to move to another house and rent the house that I'm currently in until I can sell it.  I want to move for three reasons:
(1) I live in a two story house with one bathroom, downstairs.   My knee is bad - as you know, it hurts most of the time.  Wherever I live now, I imagine it will be my last home.  I don't think I can do old age in a house where I have to walk up sixteen steps to get to the front door, and then I have to walk up fourteen stairs to get to the bathroom.  I can barely do that in middle age.  And Mo, can't make it up the stairs at all.  I have to carry him up to bed, one step at a time.  OK.  I know he's a dog and won't live much longer, but he needs a one-floor house.
(2) I live alone.  I would really like to have a roommate.  I'm not comfortable renting a room in the house that I'm currently in because it's just too small.  The bedrooms are all right together and there is only the one bathroom.  The house I'm interested in has two bathrooms and it is built in such a way that I could easily rent a room out.  That would make me more comfortable, plus it would help financially. 
(3) The house I'm interested in is right across the street from Barb, one block over from Gay.  I'd be right there by two of my most important people.  I'd like a future living close to them. 

Barb called a real estate agent for me who called a loan company who sent me paperwork.  I completed the paperwork with little hope that anything would actually come of it.    Yesterday, I heard from the loan officer who told me that the house I'm interested in is eligible for a specific kind of loan (a good one) and it looks like I'd be eligible for it, too.  With this kind of loan, I wouldn't have to put anything down on the new house. 

BUT...   (You know there is always one of those.)

I need $1,700 right now to pay off my credit card.  Right now.  That's the hard part.  I can't ever come up with money that quickly.  Everything I get has it's particular place that it needs to go.  You know what I mean?  

And.    I.    Suck.    At.    Saving.    Money.    Sooooooooooo bad.  
IknowIknowIknow...........
* shouldn't go out to eat...
* shouldn't join Curves, buy clothes, go to Texas, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!

I KNOW!  I just don't do it.

And now it's bitten me in the butt.  


*******

I just read this and it sounds like I'm asking for money.  I'm not.  I'm just bitching.  

And I just need to be listened to. 

Maybe it would help if you stuck out your lower lip, wrinkled up your eyebrows, and tipped your head to one side.  You know, that look of pity.

I need someone to just feel sorry for me - just for a couple of minutes.   And then kick me in the butt.

***************

Now that I've whined, I'm going to put on my big girl panties (literally), go feed my animals, go to Curves, go to Subway, go to the funeral home to show my respects and my love to Josie, and then go to Bunco where I
AM
NOT
GOING
TO
PUT
ANYTHING
IN
MY
MOUTH
UNLESS
IT
IS 
OFFICIALLY
CONSIDERED
A
VEGETABLE
OR
FRUIT
AND
HAS
NO
WEIGHT
WATCHER
POINTS.  

That is my commitment.  And it will be a first.

If you reached this point of this whiny blog, I want to thank you for listening to me.  I think if I hadn't taken the time to blog my feelings, I would have blown off Curves, eaten whatever I wanted, and pigged out on the candy that will be at Bunco.

Thank you.

Love you,
Jenn

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Day 3 Of Diet Bet Challenge

This is so exciting to me.  I have 26 days to lose 7.5 pounds.  I can do that, right?

I definitely can if I put my mind to it. 

And if I lose 7.5 pounds, I'll at least get back the $50 I put into the challenge.  However, it's possible that I might make some more money.  Unfortunately, that would be dependent on some people not finishing the challenge or not losing the amount of weight that they were supposed to. 

So I find it hard to wish for more money since that means wishing for the failure of others. 

But.... here's the statistics:  There are 418 participants and the "pot" is $20,850. 

I hope all 418 of us are successful.  (yeah, right, Jenny)

OK, that's what I'm supposed to say.  But the greedy, money-hungry, competitive part of me hopes that some of those people are disgustingly rich and decide that they are extremely happy with their current weight.  So they blow off the challenge.

That's not too bad, is it?  I'm just hoping for the rich, already skinny ones to back out.  AND I WILL GET PART OF THEIR MONEY!!!!!!! 

BWAHHHHAHHHHHHHHAHHHAHAH!

This challenge has been a great motivator for me. 
* I've been to Curves every day for an hour.  My personal goal is to make it there four days a week, 30 minutes a day.  Anything over that, I'm just going to see as icing on the cake. 
* I've had fruit and veggie smoothies, made in my Nutribullet, every morning for breakfast.  It's usually two handfuls of "spring greens", a banana, strawberries or blueberries, and flaxseed.  It's just two Weight Watcher points and I LOVE it!  I think it's DELICIOUS!
* I've made a very bizarre soup that I've eaten at lunch.  A little bit of chicken, a can of spinach, a can of chili beans, a can of jalapenos, a can of chicken broth, onions and celery.  I may be the only person in the world who would eat it.  And I didn't even put KETCHUP in it!
* I've gone out to eat all three nights - Subway, Quiznos, and a steak salad at DeColores.
* I've worn both my pedometers at all times.
* I've worn my tennis shoes for three days.  (That always makes me feel virtuous.)
* I've drank between 80 and 100 ounces of water a day. 
* I've logged all my food onto Weight Watchers.
* I've read a book about the Belly Fat Diet. 

I feel energized and happy.  And hopeful. 

AND I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

Love,
Jenn

                                 SMOOCH!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Diet Bet

For reals.......

Dietbet.com

I paid $50 to be in a challenge.

Go to http://www.dietbet.com/games/7879 and you can read all about it.  There are currently 279 people in the challenge and the pot is $13,950.  The money will be divided by all the participants who lose 4% of their weight by March 3.  I weighed 218 today.  My 4% goal weight by March 3rd is 209.

I CAN DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I KNOW I CAN!!!!!!!

I'm very excited about it. 

Wish me luck!

Love,
Jenn

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Close But No Cigar

Where.  Did.  That.  Term.  Come.  From?

I use that term frequently and always wonder about it's history.

GOOGLED!!

Here's what it says:

Meaning

Fall just short of a successful outcome and get nothing for your efforts.

Origin

The phrase, and its variant 'nice try, but no cigar', are of US origin and date from the mid-20th century. Fairground stalls gave out cigars as prizes, and this is the most likely source, although there's no definitive evidence to prove that.
It is first recorded in print in Sayre and Twist's publishing of the script of the 1935 film version of Annie Oakley:
"Close, Colonel, but no cigar!"
Here's what I did.  I dressed for Curves - tennis shoes, t-shirt - then went straight to the Coffee Booth for breakfast.

I'd like to jokingly say "does that count?" but, give me a break, I KNOW it doesn't count.

As my dear friend, Carol Jean, used to say, "No matter how much you'd like life to be different, Jenny, thinking about doing something is not the same as doing it."

Oh, poo.

But, I did make a few good choices today.  I sat with my friends this morning while they ate french toast (Judy), quiche (Joan), breakfast sandwiches (Jerry), omelets (B), paninis (Mimi), breakfast burritos (Jen and Kris), and huge cinnamon rolls (Karen) ------ and drank my greenish/brownish/purplish nutriblast.

Isn't it funny how I know what everyone ate?  (Except the ones at the far end of the table that I couldn't see.)  It reminds me of what Doak said after he sobered up.  He said, "Jenny, I can go to a party of 20 or 25 people, and I can tell you what each one of them has to drink.  I can even tell you when they had their last sip.  I watch people drinking like other people watch porn."

I identify with that.  I was very aware that Karen left one perfect bite of cinnamon roll on her plate and she didn't lick up the sauce on her plate because it was "too buttery".

In Jennyland, I'm not sure there is such a thing as too buttery.

But I enjoyed my nutriblast - even though this one was much too salady tasting.  I put extra "field greens" in it and only half a banana.  Have you ever drank lettuce?  That's kind of what it was like.  I had to add a package of "pink stuff" to make it drinkable.
I had to google that, too, because I don't ever know what the pink stuff actually is.  Like I identify cars, I identify artificial sweeteners by color. 

For lunch, I had blueberries and cottage cheese.
For supper, Nina and I are going to eat at Subway.

I have been a successful eater today.

Not a successful exerciser.
Even though I thought about it.

Love,
Jenn

Friday, February 1, 2013

With Every 'Goodbye', There Is A 'Hello'

The girls came to tell me goodbye today.

And of course, we took pictures.....

Aren't they beautiful???????


Last night after blogging, I decided that I’d had my time feeling sad about Jen and the girls moving and that it was time to start focusing on the next time I will see them. 

Which will happen to be at this lake.


OK, so it’s not the most beautiful lake in the world.  It’s in Eastern New Mexico.  Which, in my Texas brain, is the same as West Texas.  It's gorgeous for being an WestTexasEasternNewMexico lake!  And it has those Texas sunsets..........  Even though it officially belongs to New Mexico

(eye roll)

And it’s not that far away.  Less than four hours.  On. the. way. to. Lubbock. 

I decided that the day I said Goodbye to the girls should be the day that I say Hello to recommitment to who I want to be.  

To be really honest, in the who-I-want-to-be area, I’ve been totally lost since Doak died on December 11th.

I’ve had six weeks of not being who I want to be.  Feeding my sadness, feeding my happiness, feeding my anger, celebrating with food, grieving with food, handling boredom with food...... 

It’s been six weeks in a basic feeding frenzy, with small glimpses of sane eating that quickly get swallowed up (hah!  play on words) by frenetic feeding. 

The visualization that comes to mind is that of a drowning person who periodically comes up for air.  For a moment, she thinks she’s going to be OK.  But then the water overpowers her again and she goes under. 

My hope is that the drowning person I have made it to shore right now.  Or at least to a place of calm water where I can find my footing and get my balance. 

Here’s the steps that I’ve taken so far:
* I went and rejoined Curves.  They are closed on Fridays so I couldn’t actually exercise but I have rejoined.  I will go in the morning before my weekly breakfast party.  

* I made a wonderful nutriblast breakfast drink!  

 It was made of two big handfuls of "field greens" salad, a banana, half a cup of blueberries, a cup of strawberries, and a fourth of a cup of flaxseed.   It was kind of a funky color but tasted good - like bananas!

And it only had TWO Weight Watcher points!

I'm hoping that if I can start out my morning with that, I'll be more focused about what I put in my mouth for the rest of the day.

* I returned to drinking water today.  Once again, I can't tell you the last time I drank a glass of actual water until today.  

* I logged in my food into my Weight Watchers online diary.  Haven't done that since the day before I went to see Doak in December.  

* I logged my weight.  I'd really like to not have to tell y'all what it's gotten up to.  But, that wouldn't be me being accountable (and blabbery).  I weighed.............................

220

Shit.  

OWN IT, JENNIFER!

220

It's OK.  I'm OK.

So, here's the plan for the weekend:
Nina will be here.  Tonight, we'll go out to eat.  If we go to Subway, I'll eat my usual.  If we go to
DeColores, I'll have a bowl of beans and a salad.  
Tomorrow, is my usual breakfast party.  I'll have a nutriblast before I go and just have coffee.  I'm kind of tired of Coffee Booth breakfast choices anyway.
Sunday is the Super Bowl.  I'm glad I'm not going to a party.  Going to a party right now would be like that drowning person finally getting a foothold and being expected to immediately jump out of the water and run a mile.  
Nope.  No Super Bowl party.  Luckily, I'll have Nina, my bestest weight loss champion, with me.  

I'm going to say it  
I'm going to believe it.
I'mmmmmmmm Baaaccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!     
Love,
Jenn of the Gray Hair and Increasing Body

P.S.  I'm gonna float in the dang lake this summer with NO EMBARRASSMENT, NO SHAME, and NO TIPPING THE FLOATIE OVER because of weight!