Well, I'm starting again.
I'm trying to turn the self-hate that I'm feeling into self-love.
Things I'm doing...
1. Paying a really healthy cook to make me dinner three nights a week. Y'all may think this is silly, but listen..... I eat out nearly every night of the week. Really. It's my social life, it's what I like to do, I don't like to cook, blah, blah, blah.
If I was rich, I really would hire my own chef - a la Oprah Winfrey.
I don't have enough money to do that but I DO have enough money to eat what my friend feeds her family three nights a week. She cooks healthy stuff and serves NORMAL portions - not Jenny portions. I'll pay her to help her out with grocery shopping.
2. I'm joining the gym that B goes to. Will I go? Who knows. Will I go if I don't join? Obviously not. So, I improve my chances if I join. Right?
I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy about this or that I'm ready and raring to get back on this path.
I'm really feeling quite pissy at the moment and am feeling sorry for myself that I'm not one of those people who can eat and eat and not gain weight. Like my mother. What gives, MOM????? Why didn't I get that gene??
But, what I know is that no matter how much shame, no matter how much self hate, no matter how much embarrassment about having to "start over", I have to do it.
I have to keep trying.
One time it may take hold.
Anyway, I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!