Tuesday, April 29, 2014

With A Little Help From My Friends.... And Strangers

I appreciate all the support I got from my post last night.  There was no babying, no advising..... but lots of "I'm here".

And I especially appreciate all the people who said "me, too".   I know that I'm not unique, that my feelings are shared by many.  However, it really helps to hear that.  Thank you.

And it hit home to me that people who are honest with their feelings - whether they are skinny or fat - seem to share my feelings of carrying some self-loathing about some 'thing' - not necessarily weight.

That's why transparency is important to me.  I say it's because I want to make other people comfortable with their insides.  But really it's selfish.  I feel better knowing that I'm not alone.  And the only way I can know I'm not alone is by laying it all out there.

Here's some thoughts from today:

1.  I am going to attend one of the introductory meetings for the clinic in Albuquerque that does gastric sleeve surgery.  To be honest, I've been scheduled to attend the monthly introductory meeting twice but both times, I've cancelled so I could go to my Saturday morning Breakfast Party.  Of course, I cancelled in order to eat.  

I am very fearful of the idea of surgery.  I've had to have surgery three times.
* to get a big ole baby out of me
* to get a cancerous uterus out of me
* to remove 21 lymph glands to check for cancer spread

Those were HAVE TO'S.

I can't imagine choosing to have surgery.  It terrifies me.  A.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. terrifies me.  

But.... I don't know what is less dangerous.  Carrying this weight around or having major surgery.

So, I will talk to my oncologist when I see her in May and will make an appointment with my regular doctor, too.

But, as of this moment, I'm officially putting the possibility of surgery on the table.  That's more of a commitment to even the idea of it than I've been able to make in the past.

2.  Marcie suggested that I change my blog title from "From Jenny To Skinny" to "From Jenny To Healthy" to help change my focus.  Marcie, I'm having a problem with the fact that that doesn't rhyme or flow.  So everybody, let's brainstorm some new blog names!

3.  In the poverty that occurs the day before paychecks are direct-deposited in the bank, Barb and I splurged and ate at McDonald's tonight.   We each ate a little tiny hamburger from the dollar menu with a dollar menu Diet Coke.  And I was aware that that little baby hamburger was enough.

I don't always have to eat B.I.G.

4.  Marcie and I also talked about a three-day cleansing diet.  No gluten, no dairy, no sugar .... and in my case, I'd add no artificial sweetener.  I think I'm going to try that though I don't even know the premise behind the idea of a cleansing diet.

However, I KNOW not to try to do that kind of diet on a long-term basis.  I'm very familiar with my rebellious personality that even rebels against itself and says "You think I can't have any gluten?  Well, you've got another think coming!"

I excel at self-sabotage.

5.  And finally, I talked to Marcie about my hesitancy to blog about all this.  It seems OK to blog when I'm being successful - like when I lost the 40 pounds a year and a half ago.  But to blog when I'm floundering feels whiny and boring.  And as I type that, I realize that it all comes down to ego.  I want to be one of those successful bloggers who has lost a lot of weight and kept it off.  I want fat people to read my words and go "Aha!  I think I've found the answer in the wise woman's words!"  Instead, my blog feels "blah, blah, blah, feel sorry for me, I'm such a screw-up, blah, blah, blah, I can't even find anything witty to say about this, blah, once again I've effed up, blah, blah, I'm so sad/mad/disappointed/ blah/crazy/fat/stupid/dumb/blah".

That's not the blog I want to write.  But sometimes that's my reality.

So... only read if you want to.  I need to write.  You don't necessarily need to read.


Love me.

Monday, April 28, 2014

There Is No Title That Can Explain The Self Hate And Hopelessness I Feel Right Now About My Weight

I am lost.

It's like there are two "me's".

There is the "me" that is happy and joyful.  That goes to work and talks to people and hangs out with my friends and goes out to eat  and cleans my house and lives my life.

Then there is the "me" that feels just plain hopeless about my inability to lose weight.  Or at least keep it off when I DO lose it.

The first "me" ignores the second "me" most of the time.  But I can't keep ignoring it.
* The weight will kill me.
* I will be 60 this summer and I weigh 230 pounds.  How many elderly fat people do you know?
* My knee hurts alllllllllll. the. fucking. time.  I'm so tired of it.

I haven't lost weight since I regularly blogged and went from 244 to 201.

I'm not going to put this on Facebook because my friends respond in two ways to my hopelessness and self hate.  They either:
1.  Baby me by telling me that it's all ok, that I'm fine the way I am, that my weight doesn't matter.
                                  or they
2.  Give me advice - words that I already know, damn it!  Advice doesn't help.  AT ALL.  Any advice that anyone gives me I've already given myself a hundred times over.

I don't know what to do.
Should I explore the possibility of a gastric sleeve?
Should I make peace with the way I am now?

These are abstract questions... I'm not really looking for someone to answer them.  I am the only one who can answer them.

I know.
Eat less.
Exercise more.
Have self-discipline.
Do Weight Watchers.

I know the most sensible answers.  But obviously, I'm not a sensible person.

Just wanted to let you - someone - know that I'm out here.  I'm not looking for answers or sympathy.  But, if you read this, please let me know.  Let me know that you're there.
That will help.