God, please help me find my...
sense of physical satisfaction
.... whatever it is that is needed to stop this.
I haven't blogged in 3 months and 17 days. Instead I've been on an eating heyday. Three months of being out of control.
So, I've got to explain some things:
1. I (obvious to those of you who know me well) think in terms of Transactional Analysis - or my version made up in Jennyland. I think of my behavior and attitude as being influenced by three distinct parts of me.
* Little Jenny who has the self discipline of a two-year-old and wants what she wants when she wants it. She is fat and she doesn't care. She is in control A LOT of the time and is notorious for going overboard about basically everything - food, money, fun, fear, shopping, vegging, you name it. If a balanced amount of something is @@@@@@, Little Jenny is going to do/eat/spend the amount of @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@.
Little Jenny is a spoiled brat, a little princess, and the most fearful inner child you will ever meet.
* The adult me - Big Jenn - who is actually in real life - a counselor (I know, hard to fathom). Big Jenn has a confused look on her face lots of the time and mumbles WTF? Huh? Where does she get off? How did I get this inside of me??????????
* The harsh parent in me who is always yelling "Jennifer Jean!" "That's not good enough!" "You screwed up again??" "Why can't you get it together?" "You are worthless." "You're weak." "You matter less that one tiny goat turd." "You S.U.C.K.!"
I refer to this obnoxious parental part of me as "Jennifer" even though that doesn't make much sense because she calls me Jennifer and blah, blah, blah - it's pretty incestuous here....
Anyway, all that mumbo jumbo to tell you why I changed the name of my blog. I need to tame Little Jenny. And not just with food. I need to tame her desire to do everything BIG/LOUD/MOST/FIRST.
And it is taming that is needed. I don't want to destroy her. She is also where I carry my fun. But she needs to tone it down.
So, just know that when I talk in third person, I'm not schizophrenic, I don't have multiple personalities, you don't need to call the authorities. It's just how I make sense of me and my world. Really. Don't worry.
2. I have to come clean and be transparent.
This morning, I weighed 245.5 pounds. That's 14.5 pounds since the beginning of the summer. It's 41.5 pounds since I lost weight two years ago. It's 127.5 pounds more than when I got married in 1982! A whole 'nother person. (I know that pisses off you grammar Nazis.) Suffice to say that I'm divorced now. Both of me.
3. Right now I don't need pity, advice, understanding, chastising, tough love, soft love, or any "well, bless your hearts". I just need to pull up my big girl panties, start blogging, and do the things that I already know help me.
I love you. More tomorrow.