Monday, July 28, 2014

Gonna Try To Stop Putting So Many Chemicals In My Bod...

I've been reading about aspartame and other artificial sweeteners.  You can find research that says artificial sweeteners are HORRIBLE  and must be stopped.  But you can also find research that says, though they may bother some people, artificial sweeteners aren't bad in general.

Because I know not to set myself up for failure by saying 'I AM NEVER GOING TO DRINK DIET COKE AGAIN!' or 'I'M NEVER GOING TO USE ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS AGAIN!', I'm just going to try to cut down.

Or even better, I'm just going to try to be vigilant and conscious of the artificial sweeteners that I use.

Isn't vigilance and consciousness what I'm trying to develop in general?

This is what I know:
I've used artificial sweeteners for as far back as I can remember.  My grandma used those tiny little saccharin tablets.

Look familiar to anyone?

I have a confession to make.  I present that I grew up on sweet tea like any 'bless your heart' Southern girl should, but I really grew up with iced tea - each glass sweetened with three of these little pills.  I LOVED them!
They were just so cute and I loved to put them in my tea and stir and stir until you couldn't see them anymore.

And also because of my grandma (who was so cool because she had all this unusual diet stuff), the first cokes (sodas) I remember were Tab and Fresca.  And I just transferred my love for coke (I mean soda) from those to Diet Coke when I got older.  

And I wasn't even overweight back then!

Now, I'm aware that I go days and days only drinking stuff with artificial sweeteners.  Tea, coffee, Diet Coke, and Crystal Light (which is as close as I usually get to water) are my favorites.  I also use artificial sweeteners on cereal, frozen fruit, refrigerator oatmeal, NutriBullet smoothies, and many other things.

I'm not a sugar substitute snob.  I'll use any that are convenient but my preferences are....
PINK
BLUE
YELLOW

(Those of you who use artificial sweeteners will know what I'm talking about.)

I have no idea which is the best and which is the worse for you.

The funny thing is that I would NEVER think of ordering a regular coke or putting regular sugar in my tea.  But, most of the other foods that I stuff in my mouth are full of REAL sugar - including my well-loved, copious amounts of ketchup.

I'm a sugar/sugar substitute hypocrite.

So....... I'm going to try to be vigilant.  Conscious.  For the last two days, I've been drinking sun tea with blueberries or mangos in it.  It sweetens it somewhat.  I'm also trying to drink water.  I just got back from two weeks in Texas and I don't remember drinking any plain water the whole time I was gone - except maybe the stuff I swallowed in the Comal River.

I haven't had a diet coke in the last two days but I. am. not. going. to. give. them. up.

If I say I'm going to give up diet coke, I'll immediately be pulling out my hair until I get some.

But I'd like to see if I could make it a treat.

And you know the cool thing?  Tonight, I was eating a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner with mashed potatoes - and I noticed that they tasted sweet!  I had never noticed - I assume because my tastebuds are usually overloaded with the sweetness of pretend sugar.

And now for a survey.....
What's your favorite?  Pink    or     Blue     or     Yellow??

Love,
Jenn

Sunday, July 27, 2014

My Prayer For Today Is....

God, please help me find my...
motivation
self
focus
self discipline
common sense
balance
wherewithal
self control
drive
sense of physical satisfaction
consciousness
vigilence

.... whatever it is that is needed to stop this.

I haven't blogged in 3 months and 17 days.  Instead I've been on an eating heyday.  Three months of being out of control.

So, I've got to explain some things:
1.  I (obvious to those of you who know me well) think in terms of Transactional Analysis - or my version made up in Jennyland.  I think of my behavior and attitude as being influenced by three distinct parts of me.
* Little Jenny who has the self discipline of a two-year-old and wants what she wants when she wants it.  She is fat and she doesn't care.  She is in control A LOT of the time and is notorious for going overboard about basically everything - food, money, fun, fear, shopping, vegging, you name it.  If a balanced amount of something is @@@@@@, Little Jenny is going to do/eat/spend the amount of @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@.  
Little Jenny is a spoiled brat, a little princess, and the most fearful inner child you will ever meet.
* The adult me - Big Jenn - who is actually in real life - a counselor (I know, hard to fathom).  Big Jenn has a confused look on her face lots of the time and mumbles WTF?  Huh?  Where does she get off?  How did I get this inside of me??????????
* The harsh parent in me who is always yelling "Jennifer Jean!"  "That's not good enough!"  "You screwed up again??"  "Why can't you get it together?" "You are worthless."  "You're weak." "You matter less that one tiny goat turd."  "You S.U.C.K.!"
I refer to this obnoxious parental part of me as "Jennifer" even though that doesn't make much sense because she calls me Jennifer and blah, blah, blah - it's pretty incestuous here....

Anyway, all that mumbo jumbo to tell you why I changed the name of my blog.  I need to tame Little Jenny.  And not just with food.  I need to tame her desire to do everything BIG/LOUD/MOST/FIRST.

And it is taming that is needed.  I don't want to destroy her.  She is also where I carry my fun.  But she needs to tone it down.

So, just know that when I talk in third person, I'm not schizophrenic, I don't have multiple personalities, you don't need to call the authorities.  It's just how I make sense of me and my world.  Really.  Don't worry.

2.  I have to come clean and be transparent.
This morning, I weighed 245.5 pounds.  That's 14.5 pounds since the beginning of the summer.  It's 41.5 pounds since I lost weight two years ago.  It's 127.5 pounds more than when I got married in 1982!   A whole 'nother person.  (I know that pisses off you grammar Nazis.)  Suffice to say that I'm divorced now.  Both of me.

3.  Right now I don't need pity, advice, understanding, chastising, tough love, soft love, or any "well, bless your hearts".   I just need to pull up my big girl panties, start blogging, and do the things that I already know help me.

I love you.  More tomorrow.

Big Jenn