Saturday, August 30, 2014

Pink Tits In My Hair

HAH!  GOT YOUR ATTENTION!!

I'll tell that story in a minute....

But first I need to admit that my inner fat child has been an untamed, roaring beast for the last 24 hours. I now have her in isolation.

Last night, my cousin visited and we went to one of my favorite restaurants, Gabriel's.  Now, y'all all know how much I lovvvvvvvvve Mexican food.  But one thing I've learned is that you can take me to a Mexican restaurant, give me salsa with a spoon and a bowl of beans and ketchup and I'll be just fine.
I'll eat it and feel satiated - like I had, literally, the "whole enchilada".

But there was something about Roci telling me that she was buying my dinner that made me have an attitude like "SCORE!", "Katie, bar the door, because I'm gonna eat everything!"

My inner fat child reared her head and essentially took over.  Like possession.  By a fat, immature spirit.

I ate chips and chips and chips and salsa and guacamole and pretend beer and a cheese enchilada and a bean burrito and more chips and a chicken taco and refried beans and a sopapilla  -  with honey AND butter.  I have NEVER eaten butter on a sopapilla but Roci said it was good and ...........  she's older than me?                                                       Does that work?

And like an alcoholic, I said I was just treating myself for one meal and that I'd "stop tomorrow".

Well, today (that was tomorrow then) came and Roci said she would buy my breakfast.  For the last three Saturday breakfast parties, I've ordered scrambled eggs and bacon.  No toast, no hashbrowns.  It's become MY THING.  But, again being a free food whore, Roci said she'd buy so I ordered huevos rancheros AND a side of bacon.  So that's cheese, tortilla, eggs, bacon, chili, hashbrowns, and ketchup.  But here's where my little fat Jenny stood up and yelled "MINE!!!!!!!!! ALLLLLLLL MINE!!!!!!!!!"
I also ate a piece of Judy's toast.  And jelly.  And to top it off, when Roci and Rose left to go to Taos, I shamelessly pulled Roci's only halfway finished plate of pancakes over to my side of the table, slathered them in syrup and crammed them in my mouth.

One more step into debauchery and I would have been going around to the other tables and cleaning up like a human vacuum cleaner.

Not pretty.

So.... after an afternoon at the pool, I decided that Little Jenny needed to be forced back inside by being sent to her room with only watermelon for dinner.   And so far, it's worked.   I love watermelon - so I feel satisfied, and I've been ensconced in my bedroom since 6:12.   Saturday night and waaaaayyyy before dark.  But I think this will get me back in control.

What I know about myself is that, though to others the concept of "treating oneself" may be a dietary tool, to me it is a slippery slope.  A common, but unsafe, occurrence.  It's like me saying "I'm going to treat myself to just one cigarette" or "I'm just going to drink wine for this one night".  In other words, for me, STUPID.   I would NEVER think that I could smoke one cigarette or drink wine for just one night.  But, for some reason, I can't get to that place of self-control with food.

But what I CAN do is recognize that when I get on that slippery slope by "treating" myself (which I'm going to do because I am me), I'm going to have to make a conscious effort to pull myself back to safety.  One way I can do that is by isolating myself in my bedroom with my computer to blog and a big ole hunk of watermelon to eat.  Safety.  Grounding.  Regrouping.

I can already feel it working.  My inner fat child is settling down.

And isn't the concept of "treating myself" better than its synonym (at least in my case) of "screwing up"?   It feels much less painful and unforgiving.....


OK.  If you've muddled through this, you definitely deserve to hear the story of the pink tits in my hair.

My hard-of-hearing friend, B, hears about half of what's said in a noisy room and makes up the rest. And what she makes up is usually pretty off the wall because................ well, she's B.

This morning at the breakfast party, I was telling everyone about this wonderful blog I found called Lipstick, Margaritas, and Hairspray (http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com/) and how I want to put pink tips in my hair like the blog writer.  B yelled out "you're gonna put pink tits in your hair?"  And from there, the conversation spiraled downward to a place of wondering if I have pink hair on my tits.  I assure you, I don't.

But it gave me a good blog post title, don't you think?

But really, check out this woman's hair and her blog.  I think she may be my twin - along with Bev Briggle, my twin who hasn't gone gray yet.  I really am going to get pink tits tips in my hair.  As soon as it grows out some from my last hair adventure.

Isn't her hair cool?  Subtle  But cool.
I love it.

And I love you guys.
Jenn

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Missing My Neener

I'm sitting in a Dallas airport waiting to travel home alone.  I came here this weekend with my beautiful 21-year-old daughter, Nina.  She's staying, I'm going.
It's not the first time Nina has moved away from home.   She's attended college for three years in Albuquerque, close to two hours from home.   And to be totally honest, the first time she left for college, I was ready.   She was 18.  We spent a lot of time at each other's throats.  It was time for a break.  Plus.... and this is hard to admit ..... that was when I was still drinking and her presence kind of rained on my "party parade".

For the three years Nina was in college in Albuquerque, we saw each other on most long weekends and any time I went to Albuquerque.

During the last three years, Nina has grown and matured so much.  And I've quit drinking and have become more like the person I want to be.  Nina and I now fit together like a pair of gloves and normally enjoy each other.  The angst that we both experienced during her adolescence is gone and a nice mother-daughter camaraderie has taken it's place.      Nina has been home since her spring semester ended during the second week of last May.  We've spent the summer together traveling and hanging out together.  She's a great companion and roommate and brings joy to my life every day.

But kids need to grow.  They need to fly the coop.  I know that.  But I still feel so sad leaving her in Dallas.

Nina has an amazing opportunity before her.  She is going to do a year of service work for Habitat for   Humanity.  She has a natural talent for building and creating and she is going to learn to support her talent with the actual skills needed to build a home!  They've even told her that she will learn to drive a forklift!

I have a gratitude list and it is full.
I'm grateful for Nina's and my healed relationship.  Things were bad after her dad left and, to be honest, I doubted that she and I would ever be able to find our way to each other.  We've always loved each other but I think we found each other very convenient to take our anger and frustration out on.
I'm grateful for this fun summer when neither of us had the need to escape from being with the other.
I'm grateful that Nina is JUST IN DALLAS.  She's in my home state!  She's in my town!  She's not in Africa or Europe or even New Jersey.  It's just Dallas.
I'm grateful that until she is ready for the next step, Nina is living with my oldest and dearest friend, Shawnna.  Shawnna and Melvin are "family".  They will value Nina and treat her with love and respect.
I'm grateful that my cousin Rosie is less than three hours away.  And cousins Kathryn and JTom, and Samantha - they're all close and will reach out to my baby girl if needed.
I'm grateful that Nina is literally surrounded by people - relatives and friends - some she doesn't even know - who love me. And therefore, love her.
I'm grateful that we both have iPhones and can FaceTime any time we want.

So why am I so sad?  Why am I sitting here in the airport with tears rolling down my face?

Because it hurts to let go. Even when you know that the future is going to be filled with treasures and joy.

My house is going to feel so empty.   I'm going to miss Nina's smile and hugs.  I'm going to miss the silly thing that she intentionally does to drive me crazy - kitty, kitty, kitty and er's on every word.  I'm going to miss ALL the things that Nina does for me - feeding the dogs, mowing the yard, being her amazingly helpful self (she truly is so helpful that some of my friends are jealous and say they wish they had a Nina).

But I'm going to spend this year continuing to work towards being the best me I can be.  That's also the "me" Nina wants me to be.  Sober, healthy, balanced.

That's what I can do for my daughter.

Love,
Nina's momma.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I Treated Myself Tonight.....

...... and now I need to get back on the proverbial horse.

I've lost five and a half pounds since the last time I blogged.

* I've tried to be conscious about what I eat.
* I've tried to pay at least minimal attention to portions (my downfall).
* I've not had any intentional artificial sweeteners - no diet cokes, no pink/yellow/blue things.
* I've learned to drink my iced tea unsweetened and my coffee with sweetened creamer only (not
  sweetened creamer AND artificial sweetener).
* I've mainly had water to drink with some iced tea and some coffee and a couple of pretend beers.
* I've not had any desserts.
* I've walked a tiny bit more - mainly because I've had to because of road construction.

So I haven't had a KATIE-BAR-THE-DOOR-I'M-STARTING-A-DIET-AND-I'M-GOING-TO-LOSE-A-TON-OF-WEIGHT-REAL-FAST-JUST-WATCH-ME type of weight loss.

Which is good ----------- because those are the kind of set-ups that I always fail at.

I found an iphone app that I like called Happy Scale.  It's made for people like me who have the compulsion to weigh every day.  It focuses on trends, rather than gains and losses.
In the picture below, the little dots show how my weight goes up and down nearly every day.  It's easy for me to focus on the gains, get depressed, blow it all off and eat.
The line shows the trend rather than the jerky ups and downs that daily weighing shows.  It's very helpful to look at it this way.

Tonight we went to the rodeo barbeque and had smoked prime rib, smoked salmon, baked potatoes, "cowboy beans" (red beans with hamburger meat - somewhat sweet), and peach cobbler.  I had a huge piece of prime rib and a huge piece of salmon, along with a unbuttered potato and the beans.

I would have been fine (emotionally) with that - even though it was a lot of calories.  However, I also ate the peach cobbler.  It was actually a small serving but I feel somewhat frustrated with myself for eating it.

It wasn't even that good.  And sweets are something that I don't HAVE to have.

So, I'm a tiny bit bummed.
But I need to focus on looking at tonight as a TREAT - not a mistake.  And I need to get back on track tomorrow.

Love,
Jenn