This morning I was 205. But I'm OK with it.
Instead of eating my anger and shame yesterday, I cut my hair. Probably lost some ounces rather than gained.
No, the reason I'm OK with my weight is because I AM on vacation. I AM with people that I celebrate by eating with. I AM in close proximity to restaurants I love and that I'm going to go to - diet or not. And I have been making good choices.
Yesterday, I ate at Babe's. Babe's is a popular family style restaurant where you choose your entree out of five choices - chicken fried steak, fried chicken, chicken fingers, hickory-smoked baked chicken, or fried catfish. They bring you a huge serving of your entree along with five sides that come in large bowls for everyone at the table to share (like family dining). The sides are mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, corn, biscuits (with either honey or sorghum syrup), and "salad". I put salad in quotation marks because it's really lettuce with a dressing of oil and vinegar and sugar. It's like sweet lettuce. Sound weird but it is delicious! The sides and biscuits are all you can eat - they keep filling those bowls.
I need to say that NOTHING at Babe's is actually healthy but it is oh-so-good. The green beans are cooked with bacon fat. The gravy...... well, I could just drink a vat of that gravy. The corn is sweet and cooked in such a way that it ends up somewhere between fresh corn and creamed corn.
Amazing. The biscuits and sorghum syrup makes me feel my grandma in my mouth.
Ooooo. My bad That doesn't sound right. You know what I mean - a mouth memory.
I ate too much - as I always do at Babe's - but I made better than normal choices. Instead of my favorite chicken fried steak, I chose hickory-smoked baked chicken and ate one piece out of the four they gave me. I ate two serving each of salad, mashed potatoes, and gravy, and corn. I didn't eat any biscuits.
Not eating the biscuits made me feel virtuous and feeling virtuous is good for me. For me, when it comes to eating, "virtuous" is the opposite of "oh-hell-let's-just-blow-this-off-and-pig-out" - whatever the word for that is. Hopeless? Gluttonous?
So.... I didn't do great but I didn't totally give in to my desires.
For dinner, Nina and I took the fixings for taco salad over to Shawnna's - meat, beans, lettuce, tomatoes, onion, avocado, chips, salsa, and sour cream. And a watermelon.
Again, I ate too much. I ate two helpings of taco salad. But afterwards, I had a choice of having Butter Pecan Ice Cream or watermelon for dessert. I wanted ice cream. I chose watermelon.
And again, I felt virtuous, not hopeless.
So, I think that may be the key (or A key - I'm finding that the door to weight loss has many, many keys that need to be used) - for me to make it through vacation. Make at least one choice per meal that makes me feel virtuous.
I'm not going to eat frozen Lean Cuisine dinners on vacation like I do at home.
I'm not going to go to a deli and ask for a lettuce sandwich like I do at home.
But I can make one decision at each meal that makes me feel good about myself so my internal Adult Jenn can say "See? We've got this" rather than Little Jenny stomping her foot and yelling "I TOLD YOU SO!!!".
Ummmm, you'd need to be in my head to understand that. Suffice it to say that today, right now, I feel in control. Even though I'm enjoying what I'm putting into my mouth.