Thursday, April 7, 2016

Ugh.

Hi.
I don't want to blog.  I especially don't want to write any more about weight loss.  I don't want to be the kind of person that needs to write about weight loss.

But......  I'm not LOSING weight.  I'm GAINING weight.  I lost my motivation at Thanksgiving and I still can't get it back.

I HATE it.  And it makes me hate myself.

So, I have to blog.  This is really the only thing I've ever done that has held me accountable.  I have to start blogging again.

If I don't do something tangible to help me focus on a solution, I just go back into denial that there is a problem.

Usually, I want to be so transparent.  I want to shout out to the world what I weigh, what I struggle with, what I hide under my mask.  But right now - for some reason - my self esteem is so low that I feel like I can't show you who I am.  That's very weird for me.

I don't feel funny.
I don't feel witty.

I feel....... ugh.     UGH.

On Thanksgiving, I weighed 209.  Yep, for you who are new to my world, I know it's big but it's really not big in Jennyland where I once weighed 250.

See?  Ugh.  I write that number and I can feel the weight of self-hate sitting on my chest.

There was something about having gall bladder surgery, B falling in my driveway, breaking her hip and not being able to play with me,  two weeks worth of jury duty - and no telling what else - that just got me TOTALLY off the nice little conscious eating path that I was on.  And that I was actually finding it EASY to be on!

This morning - after a week in Texas where I did my infamous Texas-style eating - I weighed 221.5.

Ugh.

But what is even more ugh-ish is that I pigged out today.
It was the first day of PARCC testing that was actually less stressful that any of the other days this week where I have been uber-focused on preparing for PARCC testing.  So maybe it was the lack of stress that got me going.  And actually, if I'm honest, it was a weird 'less stressful
 day.  It was day of less stressful periods of boredom manning the email to monitor how things were going in the classrooms that were testing - punctuated by periods of frantic anxiety that we had had a "testing irregularity".   (A horrible thing to have in the public school standardized testing world.)

But I think this is the thing that really threw me over the edge - finding myself in this thinking process.
I ate a burrito for breakfast instead of my yogurt.
I ate a donut.
I ate some candy - lots of sour candies.
I ate some chocolate.
I ate a cheese quesadilla for lunch (I wasn't hungry AT ALL).
I ate some of the wonderful homemade things that Lauri made for me to give to the testing teachers.
I left work soooooooooooo tired (and sugar stoned), but I wanted to go to El Parasol and get a green chili cheeseburger with fries BECAUSE I HAD FUCKED UP ON MY EATING ALL DAY!

It's that thinking that I HATE!!!!!!!!!!!  It's like "let me punish myself with food because I punished myself with food because I punished myself with food".  Or like "I hate me because I overate so I'm going to overeat."

It's such a sick thinking process that I can't even get my head around it.

All I know is that I need to be accountable.  To you.  To me.
I need to blog.
If I know that I'm going to "have to report",  I tend to make better choices.

So, please read this.  You don't have to comment.  Just watch me.  Hold me accountable.  I know for some of my friends, that brings out the chastising mother that I feel rebellious towards.  I don't need you to be a chastising mother.  I am chastising myself enough.  More than enough.  Just keep your eye on me.  Make me accountable.


Love,
Little Jenny in the flesh.

4 comments:

  1. We got you. You are loved, prayed for, and held up. You can turn this around AGAIN. But what you need to know and remember is even at your heaviest or lightest, your self-worth is not your scale number. People cling to you because of you not your size. It is true that you are healthier and happier when you are losing and eating right but that isn't what makes you valued by others. Your heart is your value. No burrito this morning. How about eggs and coffee?

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  2. Your value is definitely your heart. Get healthier so all those people that need and love you can have you around longer!

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  3. KICK KICK KICK KICK in the ass! I am sorry about your stress today but one bad meal does not make an entire day. do COMPLETELY understand why you feel that way though. I took me a long time to get to where I can say that and not feel like a total hypocrite.

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    1. Yeah for being on track!! Now keep it that way!! Says she that is laying in bed snuggled next to the cutest baby girl in the world.

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