I don't want to blog. I especially don't want to write any more about weight loss. I don't want to be the kind of person that needs to write about weight loss.
But...... I'm not LOSING weight. I'm GAINING weight. I lost my motivation at Thanksgiving and I still can't get it back.
I HATE it. And it makes me hate myself.
So, I have to blog. This is really the only thing I've ever done that has held me accountable. I have to start blogging again.
If I don't do something tangible to help me focus on a solution, I just go back into denial that there is a problem.
Usually, I want to be so transparent. I want to shout out to the world what I weigh, what I struggle with, what I hide under my mask. But right now - for some reason - my self esteem is so low that I feel like I can't show you who I am. That's very weird for me.
I don't feel funny.
I don't feel witty.
I feel....... ugh. UGH.
On Thanksgiving, I weighed 209. Yep, for you who are new to my world, I know it's big but it's really not big in Jennyland where I once weighed 250.
See? Ugh. I write that number and I can feel the weight of self-hate sitting on my chest.
There was something about having gall bladder surgery, B falling in my driveway, breaking her hip and not being able to play with me, two weeks worth of jury duty - and no telling what else - that just got me TOTALLY off the nice little conscious eating path that I was on. And that I was actually finding it EASY to be on!
This morning - after a week in Texas where I did my infamous Texas-style eating - I weighed 221.5.
But what is even more ugh-ish is that I pigged out today.
It was the first day of PARCC testing that was actually less stressful that any of the other days this week where I have been uber-focused on preparing for PARCC testing. So maybe it was the lack of stress that got me going. And actually, if I'm honest, it was a weird 'less stressful
day. It was day of less stressful periods of boredom manning the email to monitor how things were going in the classrooms that were testing - punctuated by periods of frantic anxiety that we had had a "testing irregularity". (A horrible thing to have in the public school standardized testing world.)
But I think this is the thing that really threw me over the edge - finding myself in this thinking process.
I ate a burrito for breakfast instead of my yogurt.
I ate a donut.
I ate some candy - lots of sour candies.
I ate some chocolate.
I ate a cheese quesadilla for lunch (I wasn't hungry AT ALL).
I ate some of the wonderful homemade things that Lauri made for me to give to the testing teachers.
I left work soooooooooooo tired (and sugar stoned), but I wanted to go to El Parasol and get a green chili cheeseburger with fries BECAUSE I HAD FUCKED UP ON MY EATING ALL DAY!
It's that thinking that I HATE!!!!!!!!!!! It's like "let me punish myself with food because I punished myself with food because I punished myself with food". Or like "I hate me because I overate so I'm going to overeat."
It's such a sick thinking process that I can't even get my head around it.
All I know is that I need to be accountable. To you. To me.
I need to blog.
If I know that I'm going to "have to report", I tend to make better choices.
So, please read this. You don't have to comment. Just watch me. Hold me accountable. I know for some of my friends, that brings out the chastising mother that I feel rebellious towards. I don't need you to be a chastising mother. I am chastising myself enough. More than enough. Just keep your eye on me. Make me accountable.
Little Jenny in the flesh.